sabotabby: (doctor who)
[personal profile] sabotabby
 After this piece of dreck.

MEDIUM SHOTS OF SIX INDIVIDUALS ON A WHITE BACKDROP, SPEAKING DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA.

BONEHEAD

I would describe my political views as the new right.

FEMINIST

I'd say that I'm left.

Title: TWO STRANGERS DIVIDED BY THEIR BELIEFS.

NARRATOR (V/O)

She believed that she was a full person entitled to human rights. He believed that she should be making him a sandwich. Is it possible that the truth lay somewhere in the middle?

A buzzer, much like one you might hear in a prison, buzzes.

INT. WAREHOUSE

Title: MEET FOR THE FIRST TIME

Each pair faces each other over a pile of flat pack IKEA boxes.

BONEHEAD

Feminism today is man hating.

FEMINIST

I would describe myself as a feminist 100%

Title: EACH KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT THE OTHER OR WHAT THIS EXPERIMENT INVOLVES

DOUCHE

I don't believe that climate change exists.

SMUG ENVIRONMENTALIST

I drive a Prius with Bernie Sanders stickers on it!

TRANS WOMAN

I'm, like, a person and stuff.

TRANSPHOBE

I'm more obsessed with strangers' genitals than a normal person should be.

Title: IS THERE MORE THAT UNITES THAN DIVIDES?

WHITE CISMALE HETEROSEXIST SUPREMACY

*Intensifies*

The pairs are presented with the flat pack boxes.

DOUCHE

I got this. I am a man and therefore an expert in IKEA.

Montage of each pair struggling over the instructions.

BONEHEAD

I think this is in some kind of furrin' language or some such.

TRANS WOMAN

What *is* a KUGGALLÂ, anyway?

FEMINIST

I think this is missing a piece. Maybe all the pieces.

Close-up of shelf, assembled with all of the pieces facing the wrong way and some random bit dangling.

SMUG ENVIRONMENTALIST

Aaaah, just hold the—this thing—for an—OWWW.

TRANSPHOBE

This has to go in that hole, there's no other hole that it can go in.

DOUCHE, screaming his head off, tosses a board into the wall.

SMUG ENVIRONMENTALIST sinks sadly into a pile of cardboard boxes, his face in his hands.

TRANS WOMAN stabs TRANSPHOBE in the eye with an Allen key.

TRANSPHOBE
Sooooo much for the tolerant left...

FEMINIST (CRYING)

I...can't. I just...can't do it.

Long shot. Everyone is crying and/or bleeding. Clawing herself across the floor, FEMINIST finds a case of Heineken and cracks one open. DOUCHE reaches for her.

FEMINIST

You! Stay away! I will fucking glass you.

Montage of everyone sobbing into a beer amongst the wreckage of half-assembled furniture and battered cardboard boxes.

Title: HEINEKEN: IT CAN'T SOLVE RACISM, SEXISM, TRANSPHOBIA, OR CLIMATE CHANGE DENIALISM, BUT IT WILL EASE THE PAIN OF YOUR COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE.

BLACK.

Date: 2017-05-01 11:10 pm (UTC)
numb3r_5ev3n: Mettaton NEO from Undertale (Default)
From: [personal profile] numb3r_5ev3n
And this is why I drink Revolver. (Other than the fact that it tastes better.)

Date: 2017-05-02 12:08 am (UTC)
numb3r_5ev3n: Mettaton NEO from Undertale (Default)
From: [personal profile] numb3r_5ev3n
I'm afraid it might be a local Dallas thing. I wish it were legal to mail beer to Canada.

Date: 2017-05-02 02:23 am (UTC)
numb3r_5ev3n: Mettaton NEO from Undertale (Default)
From: [personal profile] numb3r_5ev3n
If you are ever in Dallas, I will personally take you to where the porter is.

Date: 2017-05-02 07:53 pm (UTC)
numb3r_5ev3n: Mettaton NEO from Undertale (Default)
From: [personal profile] numb3r_5ev3n
Mailing a T shirt to Canada in 2014 was way more of a 9 act opera than I expected.

Date: 2017-05-01 11:19 pm (UTC)
celluloid_jam: (Default)
From: [personal profile] celluloid_jam
I LOVE THIS.

Date: 2017-05-02 12:50 am (UTC)
smhwpf: (Default)
From: [personal profile] smhwpf
I'm glad to say I've not seen the original Heineken ad, but this would cleArly have been so much better!

Date: 2017-05-02 01:53 am (UTC)
kore: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kore
Have not seen the ad but it sounds like:

PEPSI: We have utterly failed in an offensive and horrible way!

HEINEKEN: Hold my beer. Literally.

Date: 2017-05-02 04:07 am (UTC)
ironed_orchid: pin up girl reading kant (Default)
From: [personal profile] ironed_orchid
Hahahahahhaha.

Oh man, you win the internet today.

Date: 2017-05-02 02:44 am (UTC)
fidget: (Gimmie some sugar baby!)
From: [personal profile] fidget
Plot twist: They're all hopelessly lost in IKEA. "Lost in the Supermarket" by The Clash begins to play, and Douche tries to electrocute himself with a pretentious floor lamp.

Date: 2017-05-02 04:07 am (UTC)
ironed_orchid: pin up girl reading kant (Default)
From: [personal profile] ironed_orchid
I like this version so much better. Something about the realism.

Date: 2017-05-02 02:07 pm (UTC)
ironed_orchid: pin up girl reading kant (Default)
From: [personal profile] ironed_orchid
See above re: realism

Date: 2017-05-02 07:24 pm (UTC)
the_axel: (Default)
From: [personal profile] the_axel
Bravo! I would buy a beer that used this commercial[1].


[1] Assuming it wasn't Heineken, Budweiser, or some other rats piss in a beer bottle - my taste buds have standards.

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