sabotabby | Gravydämmerung: Sick motherfucker!

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Gravydämmerung: Sick motherfucker!

Fuck me, but the SUN is fun to read lately. Everything is fun to read. This is honestly more than I could have ever dreamed would happen when the Honourable Wife-Beater was elected mayor three years ago.

Today's revelations: The Sweary Video, in which a drunken, probably high Ford threatens to kill some dude. Anthony Smith? Any number of Star reporters? Who the fuck knows?

What we do know is it's not The Second Video (the first, obviously, being the Infamous Crack Video). The Second Video is by all accounts a sex tape. Sorry about that mental image.

The other revelation (beyond that the entire Ford family is nuts) is that he had a guy severely beaten in jail for pissing him off. Because that's how our Honourable Wife-Beater rolls.

Holy. Fuck.

Things I want to know:

1. Did Ford have Anthony Smith murdered? I think yes.
2. Who else is in the sex tape? The answer is probably those two girls from St. Patrick's Day. Probably.
3. Is this all going to end in a bloody shootout? I think so.
4. If not, what the fuck will it take to get this guy booted from office?
5. Don't you think he looks tired?

Meanwhile, I believe we all should be emphasizing that the crack video and its fallout is the political equivalent of busting Al Capone for tax evasion. Keep talking about his policies, guys, particularly those around harm reduction. Drug-addled insanity is not a bug of austerity measures and conservative policy; it's a feature. The Federal Tories know it and they're pissing their pants. These people are the global elite—they live above the law, raking in the profits from the War on Drugs while snorting up with hookers in hotel bathrooms. Ford's sole mistake was crossing lines of race and class to do the wrong kind of coke.

thug life photo thuglifefords_zpsacb903c0.jpg

ETA:

symbioid's comment reminded me of another detail I'd neglected to mention, WHICH IS THE NUMBER OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS SHOWING UP AT CITY HALL LATELY. Because what? First Iron Sheik appeared and challenged Ford to a fight (previously he had arm-wrestled Hulk Hogan in a desperate attempt to save his political career), then Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake came to try to stage an intervention. And was asked to leave.

Just. What.

Federally, let's not forget that the Liberals are just as bad. Justin Trudeau, our Canuckistani equivalent of feudal royalty, made a loltastic misstep with his $250-a-head ladies-only networking event. Ladies! What's your favourite virtue? And isn't Justin's hair dreamy? Just read the link; I'm chiming in late and the internet's already all over this one.

photo thebestsystemthereis_zpsbdea1584.jpg

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Rob Ford is a walking clusterfuck and I want to exile his entire family to Mars.

I believe he is actually the type of situation for which the term "clusterfuck" was coined.

wow, it's a gift that just keeps on giving. How the *fuck* is he still in office?
Mind, coke and hookers hasn't done our 'beloved' Chancellor, George Osborne any harm. Allegedly.*

*By a strange coincidence the woman running 'Black Beauties' - George's preferred escort agency, had her house ~~systematically turned over~~ searched by police 'looking for drugs.' Nothing to do with the book she's written being published shortly. Honest.

Because there isn't a legal mechanism in place for forceably removing him.

I see the problem. Christ, that's hard on Toronto. I'm assuming he won't resign? Even if Harper and his enforcers are (undoubtedly) putting a lot of pressure on him to do so.

I wouldn't be surprised if the Federal Tories are quietly encouraging him to hang in - it keeps the headlines off their Senate scandals.

Oooh, excellent.

Anyway, it's coke and hookers; all politicians do that. We wouldn't have a functioning democracy were it not for coke and hookers.

Kids with money going down to the 'hood for drugs so they can brag to their friends about how tough they are is pretty common. Most of them learn to be better at covering their tracks once they're in the public eye.

You'd think the entire Ford family would be a bit more competent at hiding their dirty laundry.

But they are not.

I've grown very used to seeing people do and say very seriously fucked up and problematic things and having others just make excuses for them. It is a pattern I recognize.

Yes. Hence, no sympathy.

This just in, Justin Trudeau on the cover of Tiger Beat!!!

Holy shitballs woman, look what you made me do!

photo tigerbeat_zpsac85750a.jpg

P.S. Sry for the shitty Photoshop but I literally did this in five minutes.

Er, are your public photo-bucket images fair game for #Sabotabby too? (There's something about the hed about "Sebastian" that, juxtaposed with the image of He Who Must Not Be Named, cracked me right up.

Everything not locked down is fair game.

I considered changing the captions but I'm too lazy on a Saturday morning, and I somehow think it's funnier this way. I don't know who "Sebastian" is but I'm sure he's dreamy.

I'm no great fan of Twitter but the #askjustin tag is EPIC.

@christindal #askjustin would you rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck also the ducks and horses are all ladies

Sheila Gunn Reid @SheilaGunnReid 5h
What is the best wine to pair with being a world class f*ck up?

Miles Hughes @YYCDadOfFive 17h
Does it really matter whether it's Bieber or Trudeau who answers an #askjustin question.

Anne T. Donahue @annetdonahue 19h
AM I UNDER ARREST #AskJustin

Laurie McGregor @lauriemcgregor 19h
Do these shoes make me look fat? Tell me HONESTLY. #askjustin

Mack the Knife @rachelmack 20h
#AskJustin what brand of mousse do you use and do you recognise the LPCs role in decimating the middle class y/n/meet me under the bleachers

Scaachi Koul @Scaachi 20h
#askjustin Do you want to watch The O.C. tomorrow after your thing? I'm rewatching the whole thing.

J. @velocipietonne 20h
#askjustin justin if you were a gentleman you'd pay the $250 entry fee for me

Courtney Walker @_CJWalker 20h
#askjustin Are you a Charlotte or a Miranda?

danielle dalzell @danielledalzell 3h
Justin, how I deal with cellulite AND an economic downturn AT THE SAME TIME? #askjustinladyquestions #askjustin

Beisan Zubi @beisan 9h
Dear #askjustin, why are boys so silly, and also, climate change.

Amanda Daniluk @amandamarie403 18h
On a scale of 1 to Spring Break '99 dolphin tattoo, how much are you going to regret this tomorrow? #askjustin

This almost justifies the existence of Twitter.

I feel like someone named Mack the Knife who asks a question like that is someone I should know because we are obviously the same person but she is funnier.

#askjustin justin if you were a gentleman you'd pay the $250 entry fee for me

On a scale of 1 to Spring Break '99 dolphin tattoo, how much are you going to regret this tomorrow? #askjustin

DYING OVER HERE.

Have you seen the thing of him trying to pass a football and falling over backwards? I don't know why it's hilarious to me. I'm hardly athletic. But I couldn't stop laughing at it.

Oddly, that's the least hilarious to me. Because fat guy falling down; I see that a lot.

Your Ford Watch counter is permanently reset to zero.

It is the greatest train wreck. I just hope there aren't too many ~~innocent~~ bystanders caught by flying debris.

Yeah, I gave up on it. It's kind of by the minute at this point.

Lots of bystanders, innocent and otherwise, have been affected. And hey, I'm one of them; my life would have been a lot less stressful if he hadn't killed Transit City. But maybe we'll all have learned a Very Important Lesson about electing conservatives.

#Sabotabby makes Young Geoffrey's Twitter feed worth following! (You can feel free to use it as a slogan, should you desire.)

I may have to put that on my profile page. :D

... you could go sober-sides with a variant: "#Sabotabby makes my Twitter feed worth following!" Much more respectable than some jack-ass in denial about his age who refers to himself in the first person. :)

That's nowhere near as much fun.

Besides, as long as you're young, I am a mere child.

Edited 2013-11-09 17:26 (UTC)

Like Coke and Pepsi, Young Geoffrey aims to give you the freedom to choose! Sober or fun, Young Geoffrey has a testimonial to suit every blog!

"Mood: wishing malcolm tucker was a real person"

AHAHHAHAHA Can you imagine Malcolm Tucker having to deal with something like a crack video? It'd be glorious. I love Malcolm.

Your local politics are so much more interesting than mine. Mine suck too, but unfortunately nothing like this in terms of loltastic potential (I was going to say "cracktastic potential" but... yeah).

He wouldn't have to deal with it because a) he'd have taken down Ford over the bird-flipping incident or the Nazi photo and b) he'd obviously have known about the crack habit already, having had someone go through the Honourable Wife-Beater's bins. Also we'd have an NDP government at every level but it would be a shite NDP government that did nothing useful. I think that's going to happen anyway, the way things are headed.

Cracktastic potential is absolutely the right term on a number of levels.

Holy fuck it gets better and better.

"COME AT ME BROTHER" (So is this one of his brothers or just the "bro" type speak?)

I don't believe he's just drunk there, clearly has to be on crack or some other uppers. I was ready for him to have a heart attack.

Love that photo! THUG LIFE LULZ

GET IN THE RING!

OH FUCK

I was so rushed yesterday that I didn't even mention the best part. Well, one of the best parts.

WHICH IS THE NUMBER OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS SHOWING UP AT CITY HALL LATELY. Because what? First Iron Sheik showed up and challenged Ford to a fight (previously he had arm-wrestled Hulk Hogan in a desperate attempt to save his political career), then Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake came to try to stage an intervention.

I am not even kidding.

Would it be wrong to suggest that Rob Ford and NJ Gov. Chris Christie should sumo wrestle?

Edited 2013-11-12 06:19 (UTC)

As long as I don't need to watch it?

Kinda shocking to think that this wouldn't be as big of a deal if it was 'only regular coke' he was caught with... Are there really people whose main concern is that it was too 'uncouth' a drug, for one so connected?

Yes. Everyone but those who believe in abolishing the drug war altogether.

Smitherman, his main rival last election (also a conservative, but a much more palatable one) is a coke fiend. It is known. It was known before the election, as was Ford's substance abuse (though not the extent or nature of it). No one gives a shit as long as it's weed or coke and you don't appear visibly stoned in public. What got him was that it was crack and the involvement of black drug dealers.

Edited 2013-11-09 15:25 (UTC)

Sad, backwards, racist society. If coke and weed are privately that socially acceptable, then they should be legal, by now. It befuddles me that coke slides by because it's largely perceived as being a go-getting, 'white' drug (in more ways than one).

Abolish the war, altogether.

Apparently Lastman liked to stick things up his nose as well.

I doubt there are many politicians at any level who don't.

I have to admit I probably would if it were around all the time and I had the cash they do. I used to like my nose candy back in the day.

Edited 2013-11-09 16:45 (UTC)

I'd be tempted. Though, it's as bad as buying Nestlé or Starbucks, politically speaking.

In case you are not entertained enough, this excellent source of unsubstantiated gossip says that the Second Video is a film of a Prominent Hockey Analyst doing drugs. Of course you may prefer to stick with the Don-Bosco-Gangbang speculation.

http://urbantoronto.ca/forum/showthread.php/14268-Mayor-Rob-Ford-s-Toronto/page1976

Oh God. I hope it's the former.

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