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Battle In Seattle, Part II
Last time on Battle in Seattle, it took like half the movie to introduce all of the characters and explain what the WTO was. And they did it with all the subtlety of Monsanto fucking up a Mexican farmworker. Oh, and a bunch of hippies blocked the WTO delegates from getting to the Paramount Theater.
Django: “DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT THAT SHIT IS WACKED IT WAS LIKE A THRILLER VIDEO!”
Lou: “Dude, why are you dressed like a turtle?”
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zingerella: “Next time we go to a protest, can I dress as a turtle?”
sabotabby: “I think a pretty butterfly is more dignified.”
zingerella: “Not if there’s a headwind.”
captainmushroom: “You could be a winged turtle.”
sabotabby: “Like in Super Mario Bros.!”
[sabotabby: *starts humming the Super Mario theme.*
zingerella: “Super Mario Bros has no place in a protest.”
sabotabby: “Oh I beg to differ.”
Jay and Django get the labour march on side through cunning use of dorky slogans.
Mayor: “Labour deviated from the designated march route?! How the hell did that happen?! Find out what’s going on!”
This movie is so boring.
Then he spontaneously shouts, “FUCK!” as he’s walking away, and I forgive him a little.
The coverage of the protests means that Merrick will not even get the media to not-listen to him. Poor Merrick.
There’s another bit of completely irrelevant character development is that Mrs. Woody been planning to travel with Officer Woody but then his father died and he got a promotion and she got pregnant with the Poor Doomed Fetus. And she’s not ready for motherhood. Well, on the plus side…ah, you’ll see.
I can’t wait until a brick goes through this window.
FINALLY!
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WOMAN IS PREGNANT!
Anarchist: DO YOU WANT YOUR BABY TO GROW UP TO WORK IN A BABY SWEATSHOP MAKING BABY CLOTHES? NO? WELL DON’T FUCKING SHOP HERE THEN. *runs away*
Mrs. Woody, who apparently doesn’t read the news: What’s going on here?
Poor Doomed Fetus: My unlife sucks.
Jay: YOU PROMISED NOT TO BREAK THE CITY.
Anarchist: I PROMISED NO SUCH THING.
Jay: TAKE YOUR MASK OFF.
Anarchist: DID YOU FORGET WHAT MOVIE YOU’RE IN?
Jay: THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.
Jay: This is a non-violent protest!
Anarchist: Smashing windows is non-violent.
Lou: *attacks him, then beats up Jay when he tries to restrain her* NOOOOOOON-VIOOOOLENCE!
Anarchist: I do not think those words mean what you think they mean.
Now Lou is all pissed off at Jay for no apparent reason beyond that she is an Angry Latina Stereotype. Jay emotes, manfully, referencing his deep pain at losing his brother. But Lou doesn’t know about the poor dead brother, so she just calls him a coward and runs off.
Having just witnessed Jay beating up an anarchist for smashing in windows while decrying the use of violence, Jean asks him: “Why do you believe that violence is the best way to get your message across?”
Jay: “Fuck you, you fucking corporate media fucks.”
Cameraman: “I wonder if we can use that soundbite.”
Every character in this movie is terminally stupid.
This cop is all angsty about the fact that teargassing civilians kind of looks bad. So they make him dress up like an anarchist so he can be an agent provocateur. He’s like, “aww, why do you guys never let me wear the body armour?”
Anarchists run through the streets to the tune of ironic Christmas carols, as the store owners board up their windows ‘cause damned if they’re getting those fixed twice.
The anarchists promptly smash the remaining windows and spraypaint anarchy symbols on the boards. Which is what anarchy is all about, ya dig?
In case you had any doubts about who the bad protesters were, they even spraypaint the camera for good measure.
Stuart Townsend: "Nooooo, not the camera."
Bad Anarchist: "Muhahahahaha! I have no motive other than mindless property destruction."
Let’s have a musical interlude:
The long-suffering middle class that is always left out of the mass media narrative, as portrayed by Mrs. Woody and her clueless friend, are brought into the events when tear gas starts to stink up their store. Oddly enough they are unable to figure out what that awful smell is. Officer Woody calls his wife to tell her to get the fuck out of there.
With tremendous gravitas, the mayor authorizes the use of the National Guard and declares a state of emergency and a curfew. Then he cops to knowing that the protesters planned to shut down the WTO but his true belief in freedom of speech and the right to protest trumped those concerns. He succeeds in uniting the shattered city of Seattle because everyone, regardless of their political position, now wants to punch him in the face.
Except the pacifists. Maybe.
The protesters and the cops both beat their war drums and shout through megaphones at each other.
Whatever argument Django is trying to make here would probably be more effective were he not dressed up like a giant turtle.
Look, internets. I know what you’re thinking. But this was 1999, and, well, most of us didn’t know about the furry thing back then. I swear this isn’t what it looks like.
Or maybe it is. I’m not unconvinced that Django isn’t sexually attracted to turtles. He really seems to like them.
I don’t think that’s going to work.
Cops: “Get the gas ready.”
sabotabby: “For once I agree with the cops.”
Mrs. Woody is apparently the only person stupid enough to try to make it home in the middle of the protest. She walks right into a crowd of tear gas like an utter idiot who is about to have a miscarriage.
Meanwhile, the agent provocateur is bombarded with homoeroticism and loud chants of “Power to the People” until he actually starts to enjoy himself.
…and promptly gets pwned by some cops who think he’s blending in a little too well. Hahahaha. His life sucks so hard.
Nothing comes of this potentially life-altering experience, by the way. Character development is anathema to this movie.
Did you see this coming? I don’t think I saw this coming.
Alas, Poor Doomed Fetus. We hardly knew ya.
Jean rushes to the aid of Mrs. Woody and screams for help while Mrs. Woody narms it up, crying: “...baby…baby…” and “aaaauuuuuuuuuugh!” She doesn’t get any more articulate for the rest of the movie.
Her cute-but-dumb cameraman is too busy getting gassed to help.
No one thinks to use a cell phone.
They’ve already used this transition technique, but why waste a good opportunity for perfectly good cheesiness?
Then we get more stock footage of riot porn and people getting beaten up, accompanied by music that tells us to be sad.
The real injustice, according to Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz, is that they had to close their stores at the busiest time of the year. I can’t fault the movie for making Schultz into an over-the-top greedy capitalist stereotype, though, as this is real footage and well, that’s what he is.
Our heroes, in true heroic fashion, watch the events unfold. On TV.
(Okay, that’s a cheap shot—I ended up doing the same after several rounds of running and dodging gas at the IMF. But these guys are supposed to be better people than the anarchists.)
Django: “BATTLE IN SEATTLE? THAT SHIT IS WACK! IT SOUND LIKE A MONSTER TRUCK SHOW.”
Samantha: “They turned us into icons of violence.”
sabotabby: *walks away from the screen, counts to ten*
Samantha: *walks away from activism, counts to ten*
Right there with you, sweetie.
Samantha and Jay have some sort of an emotionally charged discussion about her cutting-and-running issues. Unfortunately, since we never get the backstory of who they are to each other, or how Jay’s brother died, or why Samantha has issues, it makes no sense whatsoever.
Jay brings her around using the power of his soulful manpain and convinces her to be a medic. Does she even have medic training?
Samantha tearfully asks the question: “How do you stop those who stop at nothing?”
Jay: “You don’t stop.”
SO DEEP YOU GUYS. SO DEEP.
Officer Woody: “What happened to my wife?”
Jean: “She was attacked by an armed gang. Come to think of it, they were kinda dressed like you.”
Emo Jean is horrified as she realizes that sometimes, bad things happen.
Officer Woody: “What happened?
Mrs. Woody: *string of incomprehensible syllables* “Bay-bee. Bee-bee. Squeak.”
This is supposed to be very emotional, I guess, but she doesn’t really speak or show any sort of agency for the rest of the film. Did the cop do something to her voicebox too?
It's time to ring the bells of irony!
Next up: Jay makes the greatest of sacrifices.
Django: “DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT THAT SHIT IS WACKED IT WAS LIKE A THRILLER VIDEO!”
Lou: “Dude, why are you dressed like a turtle?”
zingerella: “Next time we go to a protest, can I dress as a turtle?”sabotabby: “I think a pretty butterfly is more dignified.”zingerella: “Not if there’s a headwind.”captainmushroom: “You could be a winged turtle.”sabotabby: “Like in Super Mario Bros.!”[
sabotabby: *starts humming the Super Mario theme.*zingerella: “Super Mario Bros has no place in a protest.”sabotabby: “Oh I beg to differ.”
Jay and Django get the labour march on side through cunning use of dorky slogans.
Mayor: “Labour deviated from the designated march route?! How the hell did that happen?! Find out what’s going on!”
This movie is so boring.
Then he spontaneously shouts, “FUCK!” as he’s walking away, and I forgive him a little.
The coverage of the protests means that Merrick will not even get the media to not-listen to him. Poor Merrick.
There’s another bit of completely irrelevant character development is that Mrs. Woody been planning to travel with Officer Woody but then his father died and he got a promotion and she got pregnant with the Poor Doomed Fetus. And she’s not ready for motherhood. Well, on the plus side…ah, you’ll see.
I can’t wait until a brick goes through this window.
FINALLY!
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WOMAN IS PREGNANT!
Anarchist: DO YOU WANT YOUR BABY TO GROW UP TO WORK IN A BABY SWEATSHOP MAKING BABY CLOTHES? NO? WELL DON’T FUCKING SHOP HERE THEN. *runs away*
Mrs. Woody, who apparently doesn’t read the news: What’s going on here?
Poor Doomed Fetus: My unlife sucks.
Jay: YOU PROMISED NOT TO BREAK THE CITY.
Anarchist: I PROMISED NO SUCH THING.
Jay: TAKE YOUR MASK OFF.
Anarchist: DID YOU FORGET WHAT MOVIE YOU’RE IN?
Jay: THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.
Jay: This is a non-violent protest!
Anarchist: Smashing windows is non-violent.
Lou: *attacks him, then beats up Jay when he tries to restrain her* NOOOOOOON-VIOOOOLENCE!
Anarchist: I do not think those words mean what you think they mean.
Now Lou is all pissed off at Jay for no apparent reason beyond that she is an Angry Latina Stereotype. Jay emotes, manfully, referencing his deep pain at losing his brother. But Lou doesn’t know about the poor dead brother, so she just calls him a coward and runs off.
Having just witnessed Jay beating up an anarchist for smashing in windows while decrying the use of violence, Jean asks him: “Why do you believe that violence is the best way to get your message across?”
Jay: “Fuck you, you fucking corporate media fucks.”
Cameraman: “I wonder if we can use that soundbite.”
Every character in this movie is terminally stupid.
This cop is all angsty about the fact that teargassing civilians kind of looks bad. So they make him dress up like an anarchist so he can be an agent provocateur. He’s like, “aww, why do you guys never let me wear the body armour?”
Anarchists run through the streets to the tune of ironic Christmas carols, as the store owners board up their windows ‘cause damned if they’re getting those fixed twice.
The anarchists promptly smash the remaining windows and spraypaint anarchy symbols on the boards. Which is what anarchy is all about, ya dig?
In case you had any doubts about who the bad protesters were, they even spraypaint the camera for good measure.
Stuart Townsend: "Nooooo, not the camera."
Bad Anarchist: "Muhahahahaha! I have no motive other than mindless property destruction."
Let’s have a musical interlude:
The long-suffering middle class that is always left out of the mass media narrative, as portrayed by Mrs. Woody and her clueless friend, are brought into the events when tear gas starts to stink up their store. Oddly enough they are unable to figure out what that awful smell is. Officer Woody calls his wife to tell her to get the fuck out of there.
With tremendous gravitas, the mayor authorizes the use of the National Guard and declares a state of emergency and a curfew. Then he cops to knowing that the protesters planned to shut down the WTO but his true belief in freedom of speech and the right to protest trumped those concerns. He succeeds in uniting the shattered city of Seattle because everyone, regardless of their political position, now wants to punch him in the face.
Except the pacifists. Maybe.
The protesters and the cops both beat their war drums and shout through megaphones at each other.
Whatever argument Django is trying to make here would probably be more effective were he not dressed up like a giant turtle.
Look, internets. I know what you’re thinking. But this was 1999, and, well, most of us didn’t know about the furry thing back then. I swear this isn’t what it looks like.
Or maybe it is. I’m not unconvinced that Django isn’t sexually attracted to turtles. He really seems to like them.
I don’t think that’s going to work.
Cops: “Get the gas ready.”
sabotabby: “For once I agree with the cops.”
Mrs. Woody is apparently the only person stupid enough to try to make it home in the middle of the protest. She walks right into a crowd of tear gas like an utter idiot who is about to have a miscarriage.
Meanwhile, the agent provocateur is bombarded with homoeroticism and loud chants of “Power to the People” until he actually starts to enjoy himself.
…and promptly gets pwned by some cops who think he’s blending in a little too well. Hahahaha. His life sucks so hard.
Nothing comes of this potentially life-altering experience, by the way. Character development is anathema to this movie.
Did you see this coming? I don’t think I saw this coming.
Alas, Poor Doomed Fetus. We hardly knew ya.
Jean rushes to the aid of Mrs. Woody and screams for help while Mrs. Woody narms it up, crying: “...baby…baby…” and “aaaauuuuuuuuuugh!” She doesn’t get any more articulate for the rest of the movie.
Her cute-but-dumb cameraman is too busy getting gassed to help.
No one thinks to use a cell phone.
They’ve already used this transition technique, but why waste a good opportunity for perfectly good cheesiness?
Then we get more stock footage of riot porn and people getting beaten up, accompanied by music that tells us to be sad.
The real injustice, according to Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz, is that they had to close their stores at the busiest time of the year. I can’t fault the movie for making Schultz into an over-the-top greedy capitalist stereotype, though, as this is real footage and well, that’s what he is.
Our heroes, in true heroic fashion, watch the events unfold. On TV.
(Okay, that’s a cheap shot—I ended up doing the same after several rounds of running and dodging gas at the IMF. But these guys are supposed to be better people than the anarchists.)
Django: “BATTLE IN SEATTLE? THAT SHIT IS WACK! IT SOUND LIKE A MONSTER TRUCK SHOW.”
Samantha: “They turned us into icons of violence.”
sabotabby: *walks away from the screen, counts to ten*
Samantha: *walks away from activism, counts to ten*
Right there with you, sweetie.
Samantha and Jay have some sort of an emotionally charged discussion about her cutting-and-running issues. Unfortunately, since we never get the backstory of who they are to each other, or how Jay’s brother died, or why Samantha has issues, it makes no sense whatsoever.
Jay brings her around using the power of his soulful manpain and convinces her to be a medic. Does she even have medic training?
Samantha tearfully asks the question: “How do you stop those who stop at nothing?”
Jay: “You don’t stop.”
SO DEEP YOU GUYS. SO DEEP.
Officer Woody: “What happened to my wife?”
Jean: “She was attacked by an armed gang. Come to think of it, they were kinda dressed like you.”
Emo Jean is horrified as she realizes that sometimes, bad things happen.
Officer Woody: “What happened?
Mrs. Woody: *string of incomprehensible syllables* “Bay-bee. Bee-bee. Squeak.”
This is supposed to be very emotional, I guess, but she doesn’t really speak or show any sort of agency for the rest of the film. Did the cop do something to her voicebox too?
It's time to ring the bells of irony!
Next up: Jay makes the greatest of sacrifices.