![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
How Not To Be a Creepy Old Man On the Bus: A Guide
Or, how not to be any sort of creepy man on the bus; young men are just as capable of being creepy, though they tend to be creepy to women younger than I am.
1. When you step onto the bus, you frequently have no idea if the person you take a seat beside is in the mood for conversation, and this uncertainty can be very distressing. As a general rule, people taking buses in the outer reaches of Scarberia do so out of necessity, not choice, and you can typically assume that the reason is related to work. You should, therefore, err on the side of acceptance that the person you are sitting beside is tired, harried, and does not want to engage in idle small talk with you.
2. Sometimes, people display physical clues to their level of readiness to engage in idle small talk with complete strangers. A woman who is issuing painful sneezes and whose face is flushed with fever, for example, is probably ill or suffering from severe allergies. She probably felt like staying home from work today but finances or a sense of duty forced her to go anyway. She is probably exhausted and cranky. A smile of sympathy is acceptable under these circumstances.
Other signs are less obvious, but still present. For example, it's hard to tell at a glance whether the woman you take a seat beside spent part of the morning throwing up, and is really hoping that this experience does not repeat itself if she so much as opens her mouth. Or that she has been on the verge of an emotional meltdown for about a week now. Look for a downcast expression, bags under the eyes, or uncombed hair.
3. If a person is reading or has headphones on, he or she probably does not want to make idle conversations with strangers. Unless you are completely awesome, chances are whatever he or she is listening to is more interesting than you are. This goes double if the person beside whom you're sitting is both reading and wearing headphones.
4. If she's reading something by Warren Ellis, you are almost certainly not more awesome and interesting.
5. Remember, women are socially conditioned to smile at strangers. This is not an indication that they want to talk to you.
6. Most people are generally polite and will remove their bags from the seat beside them if it looks like the bus will be crowded. Again, this is common courtesy, rather than an indication that they either want you to sit beside them or engage in idle small talk.
7. If you attempt to speak to your neighbour and she answers you with single words or very short sentences, assume that she is not interested in your conversation. This goes double if, after she has taken out a headphone to hear your question and answer it, she puts the headphone back in and resumes reading.
8. If you persist in conversation and ask her if she is a student, she will likely assume that you are estimating her age at lower than it actually is. If you are visibly much older than her actual age and even older than her perceived age, chances are she is not interested in you as a potential conversation partner, let alone a sexual partner. It's unfortunate that such age discrimination exists, but that's the world we live in, and she doesn't typically make the habit of picking up 20-somethings either.*
9. If she tells you that she's a teacher, your response should probably be along the lines of: "That's nice." "What grade?" or "What subject?" "Maybe you could teach me...everything!" is not an acceptable response.
10. Do not ask a complete stranger where she lives or what stop she is getting off at. This is invasive and stalkerish.
11. If the bus empties and you find yourself sitting across from several empty seats, it is generally considered polite to move to those seats, especially if you see that the woman you are squishing against the window has a bunch of bags piled up on her lap.
12. Don't just sit there and keep staring over her shoulder at what she's reading.
13. If the woman in question keeps a regular work schedule and you have a similar work schedule, chances are you may encounter her several days in a row. There just aren't that many buses in outer Scarberia. If this happens, it can be a potentially awkward situation, especially if she has blown you off the day before. You have several options here:
a) Give her a friendly greeting and take a seat other than the one beside her.
b) Give her a friendly greeting and take a seat beside her, but, understanding that she blew you off the previous day, sit quietly and don't try to engage her in idle small talk.
c) Pretend you have never seen this woman in your life, take a fucking seat, and let her read her goddamned comic in peace.
All of these are acceptable. Sitting down beside her and immediately trying to strike up a conversation, since it is such an exciting coincidence that you have taken the same bus with her two days in a row, is not acceptable.
If you follow these rules, you are almost guaranteed to not creep out people on the bus. Their day, and your sense of yourself as a decent human being, will be improved as a result. Thanks for reading!
* I see you smirking over there and remind you that you hit on me first. ;)
1. When you step onto the bus, you frequently have no idea if the person you take a seat beside is in the mood for conversation, and this uncertainty can be very distressing. As a general rule, people taking buses in the outer reaches of Scarberia do so out of necessity, not choice, and you can typically assume that the reason is related to work. You should, therefore, err on the side of acceptance that the person you are sitting beside is tired, harried, and does not want to engage in idle small talk with you.
2. Sometimes, people display physical clues to their level of readiness to engage in idle small talk with complete strangers. A woman who is issuing painful sneezes and whose face is flushed with fever, for example, is probably ill or suffering from severe allergies. She probably felt like staying home from work today but finances or a sense of duty forced her to go anyway. She is probably exhausted and cranky. A smile of sympathy is acceptable under these circumstances.
Other signs are less obvious, but still present. For example, it's hard to tell at a glance whether the woman you take a seat beside spent part of the morning throwing up, and is really hoping that this experience does not repeat itself if she so much as opens her mouth. Or that she has been on the verge of an emotional meltdown for about a week now. Look for a downcast expression, bags under the eyes, or uncombed hair.
3. If a person is reading or has headphones on, he or she probably does not want to make idle conversations with strangers. Unless you are completely awesome, chances are whatever he or she is listening to is more interesting than you are. This goes double if the person beside whom you're sitting is both reading and wearing headphones.
4. If she's reading something by Warren Ellis, you are almost certainly not more awesome and interesting.
5. Remember, women are socially conditioned to smile at strangers. This is not an indication that they want to talk to you.
6. Most people are generally polite and will remove their bags from the seat beside them if it looks like the bus will be crowded. Again, this is common courtesy, rather than an indication that they either want you to sit beside them or engage in idle small talk.
7. If you attempt to speak to your neighbour and she answers you with single words or very short sentences, assume that she is not interested in your conversation. This goes double if, after she has taken out a headphone to hear your question and answer it, she puts the headphone back in and resumes reading.
8. If you persist in conversation and ask her if she is a student, she will likely assume that you are estimating her age at lower than it actually is. If you are visibly much older than her actual age and even older than her perceived age, chances are she is not interested in you as a potential conversation partner, let alone a sexual partner. It's unfortunate that such age discrimination exists, but that's the world we live in, and she doesn't typically make the habit of picking up 20-somethings either.*
9. If she tells you that she's a teacher, your response should probably be along the lines of: "That's nice." "What grade?" or "What subject?" "Maybe you could teach me...everything!" is not an acceptable response.
10. Do not ask a complete stranger where she lives or what stop she is getting off at. This is invasive and stalkerish.
11. If the bus empties and you find yourself sitting across from several empty seats, it is generally considered polite to move to those seats, especially if you see that the woman you are squishing against the window has a bunch of bags piled up on her lap.
12. Don't just sit there and keep staring over her shoulder at what she's reading.
13. If the woman in question keeps a regular work schedule and you have a similar work schedule, chances are you may encounter her several days in a row. There just aren't that many buses in outer Scarberia. If this happens, it can be a potentially awkward situation, especially if she has blown you off the day before. You have several options here:
a) Give her a friendly greeting and take a seat other than the one beside her.
b) Give her a friendly greeting and take a seat beside her, but, understanding that she blew you off the previous day, sit quietly and don't try to engage her in idle small talk.
c) Pretend you have never seen this woman in your life, take a fucking seat, and let her read her goddamned comic in peace.
All of these are acceptable. Sitting down beside her and immediately trying to strike up a conversation, since it is such an exciting coincidence that you have taken the same bus with her two days in a row, is not acceptable.
If you follow these rules, you are almost guaranteed to not creep out people on the bus. Their day, and your sense of yourself as a decent human being, will be improved as a result. Thanks for reading!
* I see you smirking over there and remind you that you hit on me first. ;)
no subject
(in real life, anyway.)
I never understood that, people who could sit next to a complete stranger and just start bullshitting.
no subject
no subject
no subject
[Sabs is listening to her headphones.]
Creepy stranger: Hi.
Sabs [taking out a headphone]: Hi. [Puts headphone back in.]
Creepy stranger: Are you coming from school?
Sabs [taking out a headphone]: Yes. [Puts headphone back in.]
Creepy stranger: Are you a student?
Sabs [taking out a headphone]: No. [Puts headphone back in.]
Creepy stranger: Work? A teacher?
Sabs [taking out a headphone]: Yes. [Puts headphone back in.]
And so on and so forth.
no subject
Its never anyone i want to talk to either. Its never like, a normal, decent looking woman, its always some mutant.
I know im a mutant so i leave people alone. You dont see me chatting up some girl half my age.
no subject
no subject
no subject
In Stockholm the rules are at least very simple:
1) No-one talks to people they don't know on public transport. Period.
Any violation of this is considered at least mildly strange, and if from an older man to a younger woman, more or less creepy by definition.
Of course that still leaves the question of choice of seats, but there's a fairly universal rule 2:
2)If it is possible to sit in a seat that is not next to someone you don't know without serious inconvenience, you do so.
Again, an older man sitting next to a younger woman when there is an available seat not next to anyone pretty much qualifies automatically as creepy.
Finally,
3) If you have to sit next to a stranger, you must feel slightly awkward for the duration of your joint journey and try to pretend the other person is not there.
It may not be the most sociable of social codes, but at least it makes for fairly clear boundaries.
no subject
no subject
But I can see that one might well gladly forego the friendly, open and sharing (even when in the mood for it) if one thereby avoids its shadow of creepy, open and imposing.
no subject
no subject
I get the same bus most mornings. There are usually the same people at the bus stop. It is acceptable to smile and nod in recognition. If the cute toddler is there and he comes into your personal space, it is acceptable to say something polite to him and his mother. Very occasionally someone will mention the weather, and everyone else will agree.
If
When on the bus, most people only interact if the one in the window seat needs to get out first.
I'm quite happy about this set up.
What I would like is some way of asking the woman with the perfume that makes me sneeze not to sit next to me. But I have found that sitting a little further back in the bus usually helps.
no subject
no subject
no subject
I feel like we would all be much happier if it were socially acceptable to say, "I don't mean to offend, but I just don't want to talk to you." or something similar.
When I was in my early 20s, older men used to try and pick me up by asking me if I was thirteen or fourteen. What in the name of Sweet Godzilla Junior?
no subject
I used to have old guys pick me up when I was 13 or 14, too. I'm not talking 20-somethings who thought I looked older—I'm talking my mom's friends.
no subject
no subject
no subject
I guess I've been pretty lucky though becase 9 times out of ten when someone sits next to me because the bus is full, it's generally acknowledged as a bit of an awkward thing and no conversations are ever started up. I find it's more of a problem if you're traveling long-distance, it always seems to be old men nattering on so I feel like I have to be polite and humour them, but generally on short journey's into town everyone seems to keep to themselves thankfully
no subject
The worst time for books was when I was reading American Gods on the streetcar at a time in my life where I had very long, very red hair. I was basically a geekboy's wet dream.
no subject
You...you wouldn't have hit on me?
no subject