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Or, how not to be any sort of creepy man on the bus; young men are just as capable of being creepy, though they tend to be creepy to women younger than I am.
1. When you step onto the bus, you frequently have no idea if the person you take a seat beside is in the mood for conversation, and this uncertainty can be very distressing. As a general rule, people taking buses in the outer reaches of Scarberia do so out of necessity, not choice, and you can typically assume that the reason is related to work. You should, therefore, err on the side of acceptance that the person you are sitting beside is tired, harried, and does not want to engage in idle small talk with you.
2. Sometimes, people display physical clues to their level of readiness to engage in idle small talk with complete strangers. A woman who is issuing painful sneezes and whose face is flushed with fever, for example, is probably ill or suffering from severe allergies. She probably felt like staying home from work today but finances or a sense of duty forced her to go anyway. She is probably exhausted and cranky. A smile of sympathy is acceptable under these circumstances.
Other signs are less obvious, but still present. For example, it's hard to tell at a glance whether the woman you take a seat beside spent part of the morning throwing up, and is really hoping that this experience does not repeat itself if she so much as opens her mouth. Or that she has been on the verge of an emotional meltdown for about a week now. Look for a downcast expression, bags under the eyes, or uncombed hair.
3. If a person is reading or has headphones on, he or she probably does not want to make idle conversations with strangers. Unless you are completely awesome, chances are whatever he or she is listening to is more interesting than you are. This goes double if the person beside whom you're sitting is both reading and wearing headphones.
4. If she's reading something by Warren Ellis, you are almost certainly not more awesome and interesting.
5. Remember, women are socially conditioned to smile at strangers. This is not an indication that they want to talk to you.
6. Most people are generally polite and will remove their bags from the seat beside them if it looks like the bus will be crowded. Again, this is common courtesy, rather than an indication that they either want you to sit beside them or engage in idle small talk.
7. If you attempt to speak to your neighbour and she answers you with single words or very short sentences, assume that she is not interested in your conversation. This goes double if, after she has taken out a headphone to hear your question and answer it, she puts the headphone back in and resumes reading.
8. If you persist in conversation and ask her if she is a student, she will likely assume that you are estimating her age at lower than it actually is. If you are visibly much older than her actual age and even older than her perceived age, chances are she is not interested in you as a potential conversation partner, let alone a sexual partner. It's unfortunate that such age discrimination exists, but that's the world we live in, and she doesn't typically make the habit of picking up 20-somethings either.*
9. If she tells you that she's a teacher, your response should probably be along the lines of: "That's nice." "What grade?" or "What subject?" "Maybe you could teach me...everything!" is not an acceptable response.
10. Do not ask a complete stranger where she lives or what stop she is getting off at. This is invasive and stalkerish.
11. If the bus empties and you find yourself sitting across from several empty seats, it is generally considered polite to move to those seats, especially if you see that the woman you are squishing against the window has a bunch of bags piled up on her lap.
12. Don't just sit there and keep staring over her shoulder at what she's reading.
13. If the woman in question keeps a regular work schedule and you have a similar work schedule, chances are you may encounter her several days in a row. There just aren't that many buses in outer Scarberia. If this happens, it can be a potentially awkward situation, especially if she has blown you off the day before. You have several options here:
a) Give her a friendly greeting and take a seat other than the one beside her.
b) Give her a friendly greeting and take a seat beside her, but, understanding that she blew you off the previous day, sit quietly and don't try to engage her in idle small talk.
c) Pretend you have never seen this woman in your life, take a fucking seat, and let her read her goddamned comic in peace.
All of these are acceptable. Sitting down beside her and immediately trying to strike up a conversation, since it is such an exciting coincidence that you have taken the same bus with her two days in a row, is not acceptable.
If you follow these rules, you are almost guaranteed to not creep out people on the bus. Their day, and your sense of yourself as a decent human being, will be improved as a result. Thanks for reading!
* I see you smirking over there and remind you that you hit on me first. ;)
1. When you step onto the bus, you frequently have no idea if the person you take a seat beside is in the mood for conversation, and this uncertainty can be very distressing. As a general rule, people taking buses in the outer reaches of Scarberia do so out of necessity, not choice, and you can typically assume that the reason is related to work. You should, therefore, err on the side of acceptance that the person you are sitting beside is tired, harried, and does not want to engage in idle small talk with you.
2. Sometimes, people display physical clues to their level of readiness to engage in idle small talk with complete strangers. A woman who is issuing painful sneezes and whose face is flushed with fever, for example, is probably ill or suffering from severe allergies. She probably felt like staying home from work today but finances or a sense of duty forced her to go anyway. She is probably exhausted and cranky. A smile of sympathy is acceptable under these circumstances.
Other signs are less obvious, but still present. For example, it's hard to tell at a glance whether the woman you take a seat beside spent part of the morning throwing up, and is really hoping that this experience does not repeat itself if she so much as opens her mouth. Or that she has been on the verge of an emotional meltdown for about a week now. Look for a downcast expression, bags under the eyes, or uncombed hair.
3. If a person is reading or has headphones on, he or she probably does not want to make idle conversations with strangers. Unless you are completely awesome, chances are whatever he or she is listening to is more interesting than you are. This goes double if the person beside whom you're sitting is both reading and wearing headphones.
4. If she's reading something by Warren Ellis, you are almost certainly not more awesome and interesting.
5. Remember, women are socially conditioned to smile at strangers. This is not an indication that they want to talk to you.
6. Most people are generally polite and will remove their bags from the seat beside them if it looks like the bus will be crowded. Again, this is common courtesy, rather than an indication that they either want you to sit beside them or engage in idle small talk.
7. If you attempt to speak to your neighbour and she answers you with single words or very short sentences, assume that she is not interested in your conversation. This goes double if, after she has taken out a headphone to hear your question and answer it, she puts the headphone back in and resumes reading.
8. If you persist in conversation and ask her if she is a student, she will likely assume that you are estimating her age at lower than it actually is. If you are visibly much older than her actual age and even older than her perceived age, chances are she is not interested in you as a potential conversation partner, let alone a sexual partner. It's unfortunate that such age discrimination exists, but that's the world we live in, and she doesn't typically make the habit of picking up 20-somethings either.*
9. If she tells you that she's a teacher, your response should probably be along the lines of: "That's nice." "What grade?" or "What subject?" "Maybe you could teach me...everything!" is not an acceptable response.
10. Do not ask a complete stranger where she lives or what stop she is getting off at. This is invasive and stalkerish.
11. If the bus empties and you find yourself sitting across from several empty seats, it is generally considered polite to move to those seats, especially if you see that the woman you are squishing against the window has a bunch of bags piled up on her lap.
12. Don't just sit there and keep staring over her shoulder at what she's reading.
13. If the woman in question keeps a regular work schedule and you have a similar work schedule, chances are you may encounter her several days in a row. There just aren't that many buses in outer Scarberia. If this happens, it can be a potentially awkward situation, especially if she has blown you off the day before. You have several options here:
a) Give her a friendly greeting and take a seat other than the one beside her.
b) Give her a friendly greeting and take a seat beside her, but, understanding that she blew you off the previous day, sit quietly and don't try to engage her in idle small talk.
c) Pretend you have never seen this woman in your life, take a fucking seat, and let her read her goddamned comic in peace.
All of these are acceptable. Sitting down beside her and immediately trying to strike up a conversation, since it is such an exciting coincidence that you have taken the same bus with her two days in a row, is not acceptable.
If you follow these rules, you are almost guaranteed to not creep out people on the bus. Their day, and your sense of yourself as a decent human being, will be improved as a result. Thanks for reading!
* I see you smirking over there and remind you that you hit on me first. ;)
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