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Left Behind II
I was feeling really down, but luckily, Jesus sent me a miracle. Not a solution to my woes -- no, that kind of thing doesn't happen in real life -- but a showing of Left Behind II: Tribulation Force on the Christian Television Network. This was awesome, because mocking Leviticans is just what was needed to cheer your humble narrator up a bit.
Anyway, I haven't read or seen any of the Left Behind products before, but I've been reading Slacktivist's reviews of the first book, so I knew what I was getting into here. If you think you're going to be lost, you can check out the archives, but they did a nice job of summarizing the first book in about 30 seconds of the movie.
What follows is my summary of the movie so that you can know the Word of God without watching Kirk Cameron from Growing Pains making a damned fool out of himself.
We open up a week after the Rapture. Hundreds of millions of people are missing and there are still burning cars and wreckage everywhere. I guess God didn't wait until commuters were off the highways to whisk off a bunch of drivers, thus causing massive carnage. God rules! Buck Williams, a news anchor, gives us this summary with absolutely no expression in his voice, but Nikolae Carpathia (a.k.a. the Antichrist), who is watching Buck on TV, proclaims him young and energetic and decides he wants him on the good ol' Team Antichrist. There are a couple of other people with him, who turn out to be Hattie Durham, girlfriend of the Antichrist, and Steve Plank. I have no idea who he's supposed to be other than that he's some shadowy figure who controls the media. The entire media.
Ray Steele, a pilot, and his daughter Chloe, are also watching. The rest of the family -- Ray's wife and son -- are not present on the couch because they're DEAD, having been killed in the Rapture a week ago. So now they're in Heaven. Chloe is totally checking out Buck on TV and snarks about how at least he's not afraid to say what's on his mind, an obvious dig at Ray, who's one of those strong, silent types.
Outside, there's lots of looting and shooting. Buck scolds some cops for shooting the looters, but doesn't actually try to help anyone. Then we cut to a few people debating the merits of closing the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. The entire movie's like this, by the way -- little short scenes that would make absolutely no sense, were it not so obvious where this thing is going.
Back at GNN (Greatest National News? Guerrilla News Network? God's Not Nattering?), Buck finds out that Nicky wants to talk to him about something. Despite apparently being obsessed with the guy in the last book, Buck really isn't too eager to talk to him. For some reason, he can also watch UN proceedings on his computer. The UN and the World Monetary Fund (I guess that's supposed to be the IMF) is begging Nicky to consolidate all currencies in order to make tinfoiled conspiracy nuts happy. Nicky at first doesn't seem too keen on the idea, but they twist his arm some more so he says okay, and while he's at it, he graciously accepts the honour of ruling the entire world. Hey, the IMF is evil! Who knew? Then he gives a speech about world peace and asks all nations to disarm and put aside differences of race and religion, mentioning that there's no heaven or hell. I like this guy. I'd totally be rooting for him, shitty Russian accent and all.
Ray is praying when his dead wife shows up. I thought Christians didn't believe in ghosts. She blathers on about the Lord and then gives him a locket. He wakes up, of course, but he's still got the locket. OMG miracle! Then he fights with Chloe about having pictures of the dead wife and son up in the living room. I guess it's in bad taste or something.
Buck, Ray, Chloe, and some token Black guy named Bruce are chillin' at church. Bruce, who is some kind of preacher, it seems, is going on about how they are all going to die because they're Christians and they actually can't change anything because this has all been pre-scripted in the Bible. Oh, well, that's nice. Apparently all they can do is form something called the Tribulation Force, which, as I understand it, is like the Justice League but with Bibles instead of spandex and superpowers.
Bruce is also really into delegating -- he decides that Ray should be the Antichrist's new pilot (since the Antichrist needs pilots for whatever reason), and Buck should go off to Jerusalem to check out these two guys who are hanging out at the Wailing Wall and setting people on fire. Ray doesn't think this is a good idea, but Buck is excited about being a double agent. Chloe has a massive crush on Buck, so she's all worried, but the selfless guy promises that he's not going to let anything happen to him.
Then we cut to a hospital, which is part of the church or something. Someone wheels in a firefighter who will be known from now on as the Littlest Burn Victim. Chloe gets grossed out by the guy's burns and runs away. Then Buck is back at GNN and there's a power struggle. His assistant Ivy shows up, which is as far as I can tell, the only purpose of this scene. Buck takes Ivy home, sleazes on her a bit, and then reminds her (and the audience) that she actually has a fiancé. Then Steve Plank calls and Buck gets freaked out that "They" managed to use their intrepid detective skills and track him down at his own house. Weird! They must have super Antichrist powers!
Then it's time to go to church. Bruce infodumps about the Tribulation and Israel in front of a map that prominently features the Gaza Strip. Then we get a slide with horses, which raises my expectations a bit. If we got to see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, it would have been a significantly better movie, but unfortunately these are the only things in the Bible that are actually metaphors. Bruce explainifies that the Antichrist is going to triumph not by kicking everyone's ass but through diplomacy and peace. See, I told you he was cool.
A few people in the church apparently get pissed off and leave, among them, Ray's friend Chris. Ray and Buck take off after Chris to preach at him a bit, telling this guy (who has just lost his wife) that he's a lying, thieving adulterer wannabe. He's having none of it, which leads inexplicably to cheesy music and people moping at shrines that they've set up to dead loved ones. Ray turns down a hot chick, who approaches him with the immortal pick-up line, "Have you lost someone too?" so that he can answer his cell phone. It's Chris, so Ray takes off while the girl looks at him longingly, even though he's old enough to be her father.
Chris is playing spin-the-bottle with his gun, so Ray tries to talk some sense into him. Chris quotes Nietzsche; Ray talks about God and Intelligent Design, and then says: "You need to trade that gun for God." At which point I start laughing my heathen ass off. But it works, and Chris accepts God and gives his gun to Ray. I think Ray got the better deal here. Anyway, this whole scene would have been a lot more interesting if Ray's choice was between saving his friend's life or converting him. I honestly think he would have chosen the latter.
Buck is infodumping that the Antichrist's evil plan has to do with forming a world religion (which seems a little at odds with his atheism) when Ray bursts in, gushing at how amazing it was to convert his suicidal friend to Christianity. He's realized his destiny -- he's going to be the Antichrist's pilot after all! Chloe points out the obvious problem with both Buck and Ray working for Evil, Inc., and wins the Best Line of the Movie by saying to Buck, "I think you're a really great guy but I'm having a hard time with this hanging out with the Devil thing." Hah! She's easily the most sensible character of the bunch.
Ray goes to beg Hattie, who is pissed that he once led her on, for a job. Apparently, she's now head of Antichrist Airways. He sweet-talks her a bit, and she goes on about how great Nicky is and how he's always going on about world peace -- she even thinks he's a Christian!
Meanwhile, Chloe goes to get relationship advice from Bruce, who advises her to "talk to him." No idea whether the "him" in question is Buck or God (or maybe they're both the same guy), but Chloe thinks it's the former. So she puts on the frumpiest dress she can find and goes to Buck's place. Naturally, she runs into Ivy and her big ol' Engagement Ring of Wacky Romantic Misunderstandings (ERWRM). When she gets home, Buck calls, Chloe hangs up, then Buck calls again and this time gets Ray, who has decided to pimp out his daughter. So Ray invites Buck over and then goes off to bed so that his only surviving child can be ravaged by the jetsetting reporter.
Buck, though, is having some problems with the elevator and gets hauled off to the roof to see Nicky. He fudges his way through it and finds out that the UN has assumed control of the world's media. (Even Indymedia? Oh teh noooes!) Buck doth protest too much about the virtues of a free media and then happily agrees to be Nicky's puppet in order to have total UN security clearance. You'd have to hear it, but the way Nicky says "Buck" is fucking hilarious.
As Buck leaves GNN headquarters, he runs into his idiot friend Steve, who says that it's no big deal that Nicky just so happens to own the station. Finally, Buck gets to mount his crotch rocket and zoom off to the Steele residence. Chloe is all pouty because of the ERWRM. She tries to get Ray to get rid of Buck, but Buck breaks one of the Ten Commandments by lying and saying that he's in the shower. So further romantic hijinks ensue, and then the misunderstanding gets sorted out and there is much hugging and giggling. Hey, is it a sin to lie if it's done in the name of getting your daughter some action?
Then there's more strategizing, and Nicky is foaming at the mouth about the pyro preachers at the Wailing Wall. He orders Steve to increase the number of guards there, leaving me utterly confused as to what Steve actually does for a living. Then Nicky babbles some more about having one world religion, further baffling me, as it seems like that's exactly the kind of setup that the fundies want. For some reason, he thinks that the world is now ready for unity and peace, even though so many people seem to be getting their post-Rapture jollies by looting and killing. But I guess Nicky doesn't get out much. Anyway, he also asserts that the Buck Williams Report is key to said world peace, so I guess he's a little crazy on top of being evil.
Buck and Chloe cute-couple at some place that I think at first is the mall but actually turns out to be the airport. Because she'd totally be all giggly a week after her mother and brother died. Anyway, he kisses her (on the cheek, you perverts!) and goes off to be the Mouthpiece of the Antichrist. Then Chloe bids farewell to her dad, who's off to be the Pilot of the Antichrist.
Ray, as it turns out, is not very interested in flying the plane, so he leaves his co-pilot in charge and goes off to play Hardy Boys with Buck. Nicky is in the boardroom channeling Mr. Burns ("Excellent!"), along with Team Antichrist. Ray figures out that they're writing a speech for some dude named Ben Judah, so he swipes the speech off Nicky's laptop. Wow -- that's stealing! Now he's broken two Commandments. And why does he even need that? Apparently Ben Judah is giving the speech the next day, anyway. Ray almost gets caught by Nicky, who shakes his hand and turns into a demon. Ray does a very bad job of pretending not to notice, but he gets away with the disk with hisadvance copy of the new Harry Potter novel advance copy of the exciting Ben Judah speech.
Now we're in Jerusalem. Hey, look -- the Dome of the Rock is still there! Ray shows up in Buck's hotel room with the speech they're going to hear the next day anyway. It's about how Nicky got impaled by a tractor when he was a kid and is therefore the Messiah. Apparently this speech has been changed from Ben Judah's earlier draft, which was about Flying Spagetti Monsters. They hatch a really clever plan to get Ben Judah to the fire-breathing duo at the Wall.
Of course, they didn't think about this plan very hard, because it's no beans when Buck tries to schmooze Steve into letting him go to the Wall. Steve gives him a consolation prize, though, which is a laser print-out of Nicky's crappy new logo for his world religion. Man, these people need to hire a better designer.
Back in Chicago, Chloe has decided to hang out with the Littlest Burn Victim. Ivy shows up, giving Chloe someone cooler (and less gory) to hang with, so she ditches the LBV. Ivy apologizes for the two of them getting off to a bad start, so they do some girl-bonding about the Bible. Ivy calls it a "magic formula," and Chloe holier-than-thous about how "you either wanna believe it or you don't." Ivy, having taken Chloe's place as the only sane character in this movie, hightails it out of there.
Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem, there are a lot of Orthodox Jews. The least Orthodox-looking is Ben Judah, who is very cleanshaven for an Orthodox rabbi. Buck finds him by virtue of him being the only guy in Jerusalem with no facial hair. Some Muslims go by -- you can tell they're Muslims because they're wearing burqas. Anyway, Ben goes on about world religion, so Buck challenges Ben to go to the Wall and discredit these two fire-breathers who are winning so many people to the cause of the Church of Carnival Freaks. Ben, unlike Steve, is not very bright, so he agrees. But Steve and Nicky are plotting and they decide to issue orders to shoot anyone who tries to go near the Wall.
Phew! Buck and Ray prepare to storm the Wall, bonding over Chloe in a kind of creepy way. Then they pray together in a very manly way that is in no way homoerotic.
Buck is on the Jerusalem set-piece, standing in front of a Palestinian in a keffiyah, and he calls up Chloe on his cell phone and gives away the entire plan. He's never heard of phone-tapping, apparently. Ben shows up, and they take off. I notice that the sign on the Wall is in English and Hebrew but not Arabic. Weird. They're met by soldiers. Ray's in the background praying. Oddly enough, the hot chick he turned down earlier miraculously appears, grabs his hand, and starts singing Amazing Grace. While she distracts the soldiers, our heroes sneak past the guards.
Best. Plan. Ever. Good thing the hot chick showed up!
It turns out that the fire-breathing guys are two crusty punks with long beards and very poor hygiene. They get into a religious debate with Ben with bad Hebrew and English simultaneous voiceovers while Buck films it. It's live, so Nicky cuts it. The crusties go on about Jesus and how he came not to condemn the world but to save it. I note this line because it's actually contrary to the message of the rest of the movie. Ben is acting like he's never heard this crap before. The soldiers start shooting, but -- I bet you saw this coming -- the crusties start breathing fire and immolate the poor sods.
Ivy shows up in the burn ward to see Chloe and the Littlest Burn Victim. LBV has decided he's ready for God, so he apologizes to the Big Guy and thanks Jesus and puts his life in Jesus's hands. Jesus, though, seems to want him dead, so farewell, LBV. There's more hugging and crying and girl-bonding.
Back in Jerusalem, Nicky introduces Ben to a huge crowd as basically the Best Jew Ever. The Best Jew Ever will show up in an hour to make the Best Ever Jew Speech. I'm not sure what the crowd is supposed to do in the meantime, though, because Nicky has to go back to New York. Before he leaves, Nicky finds Buck and says, "thanks for trying to discredit the crusty punks, nice job l'il fella kthnxbye." Even the Antichrist is bone stupid in this movie.
Ben announces that he's discovered the identity of the Messiah. Everyone applauds. Ben gives a big, boring lead up, and everyone acts all interested despite the number of people who go on about this crap on a regular basis. Why it matters what the Best Jew Ever thinks, I have no idea. But halfway through the speech, Nicky gets all pissy that Ben said that the Messiah was born in Bethlehem (Nicky having been born in the same place as Ensign Chekhov from Star Trek, judging by the accent). He's all about to cut the feed, but Ray has sneakly removed a little chip that has some correlation to Nicky's cell phone. Pwned!
Finally, Chloe and Bruce, who are watching it on TV with a sobbing Ivy, force the girl to convert. Apparently she's touched by all of the unique camera angles in this bit.
Buck and Ben split before all hell breaks loose. Ray finally does his job and flies the plane -- well, actually, he thanks God, fiddles with his locket, and puts up pictures of his dead family. But at least he's in the pilot's seat. Hattie, in the boardroom, drools all over Nicky, who kicks her out and then throws a big spaz. It's a tremendous freakout, given that he knows he's destined to rule the world for seven years and then get thrown into a lake of fire.
The movie ends in church, with people singing, including Chris and Ivy. I bet they're going to hook up at some point. Buck shows up all smug, and I realized he's broken Commandments by lying to Nicky and committing adultery in his head. The end!
Anyway, I haven't read or seen any of the Left Behind products before, but I've been reading Slacktivist's reviews of the first book, so I knew what I was getting into here. If you think you're going to be lost, you can check out the archives, but they did a nice job of summarizing the first book in about 30 seconds of the movie.
What follows is my summary of the movie so that you can know the Word of God without watching Kirk Cameron from Growing Pains making a damned fool out of himself.
We open up a week after the Rapture. Hundreds of millions of people are missing and there are still burning cars and wreckage everywhere. I guess God didn't wait until commuters were off the highways to whisk off a bunch of drivers, thus causing massive carnage. God rules! Buck Williams, a news anchor, gives us this summary with absolutely no expression in his voice, but Nikolae Carpathia (a.k.a. the Antichrist), who is watching Buck on TV, proclaims him young and energetic and decides he wants him on the good ol' Team Antichrist. There are a couple of other people with him, who turn out to be Hattie Durham, girlfriend of the Antichrist, and Steve Plank. I have no idea who he's supposed to be other than that he's some shadowy figure who controls the media. The entire media.
Ray Steele, a pilot, and his daughter Chloe, are also watching. The rest of the family -- Ray's wife and son -- are not present on the couch because they're DEAD, having been killed in the Rapture a week ago. So now they're in Heaven. Chloe is totally checking out Buck on TV and snarks about how at least he's not afraid to say what's on his mind, an obvious dig at Ray, who's one of those strong, silent types.
Outside, there's lots of looting and shooting. Buck scolds some cops for shooting the looters, but doesn't actually try to help anyone. Then we cut to a few people debating the merits of closing the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. The entire movie's like this, by the way -- little short scenes that would make absolutely no sense, were it not so obvious where this thing is going.
Back at GNN (Greatest National News? Guerrilla News Network? God's Not Nattering?), Buck finds out that Nicky wants to talk to him about something. Despite apparently being obsessed with the guy in the last book, Buck really isn't too eager to talk to him. For some reason, he can also watch UN proceedings on his computer. The UN and the World Monetary Fund (I guess that's supposed to be the IMF) is begging Nicky to consolidate all currencies in order to make tinfoiled conspiracy nuts happy. Nicky at first doesn't seem too keen on the idea, but they twist his arm some more so he says okay, and while he's at it, he graciously accepts the honour of ruling the entire world. Hey, the IMF is evil! Who knew? Then he gives a speech about world peace and asks all nations to disarm and put aside differences of race and religion, mentioning that there's no heaven or hell. I like this guy. I'd totally be rooting for him, shitty Russian accent and all.
Ray is praying when his dead wife shows up. I thought Christians didn't believe in ghosts. She blathers on about the Lord and then gives him a locket. He wakes up, of course, but he's still got the locket. OMG miracle! Then he fights with Chloe about having pictures of the dead wife and son up in the living room. I guess it's in bad taste or something.
Buck, Ray, Chloe, and some token Black guy named Bruce are chillin' at church. Bruce, who is some kind of preacher, it seems, is going on about how they are all going to die because they're Christians and they actually can't change anything because this has all been pre-scripted in the Bible. Oh, well, that's nice. Apparently all they can do is form something called the Tribulation Force, which, as I understand it, is like the Justice League but with Bibles instead of spandex and superpowers.
Bruce is also really into delegating -- he decides that Ray should be the Antichrist's new pilot (since the Antichrist needs pilots for whatever reason), and Buck should go off to Jerusalem to check out these two guys who are hanging out at the Wailing Wall and setting people on fire. Ray doesn't think this is a good idea, but Buck is excited about being a double agent. Chloe has a massive crush on Buck, so she's all worried, but the selfless guy promises that he's not going to let anything happen to him.
Then we cut to a hospital, which is part of the church or something. Someone wheels in a firefighter who will be known from now on as the Littlest Burn Victim. Chloe gets grossed out by the guy's burns and runs away. Then Buck is back at GNN and there's a power struggle. His assistant Ivy shows up, which is as far as I can tell, the only purpose of this scene. Buck takes Ivy home, sleazes on her a bit, and then reminds her (and the audience) that she actually has a fiancé. Then Steve Plank calls and Buck gets freaked out that "They" managed to use their intrepid detective skills and track him down at his own house. Weird! They must have super Antichrist powers!
Then it's time to go to church. Bruce infodumps about the Tribulation and Israel in front of a map that prominently features the Gaza Strip. Then we get a slide with horses, which raises my expectations a bit. If we got to see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, it would have been a significantly better movie, but unfortunately these are the only things in the Bible that are actually metaphors. Bruce explainifies that the Antichrist is going to triumph not by kicking everyone's ass but through diplomacy and peace. See, I told you he was cool.
A few people in the church apparently get pissed off and leave, among them, Ray's friend Chris. Ray and Buck take off after Chris to preach at him a bit, telling this guy (who has just lost his wife) that he's a lying, thieving adulterer wannabe. He's having none of it, which leads inexplicably to cheesy music and people moping at shrines that they've set up to dead loved ones. Ray turns down a hot chick, who approaches him with the immortal pick-up line, "Have you lost someone too?" so that he can answer his cell phone. It's Chris, so Ray takes off while the girl looks at him longingly, even though he's old enough to be her father.
Chris is playing spin-the-bottle with his gun, so Ray tries to talk some sense into him. Chris quotes Nietzsche; Ray talks about God and Intelligent Design, and then says: "You need to trade that gun for God." At which point I start laughing my heathen ass off. But it works, and Chris accepts God and gives his gun to Ray. I think Ray got the better deal here. Anyway, this whole scene would have been a lot more interesting if Ray's choice was between saving his friend's life or converting him. I honestly think he would have chosen the latter.
Buck is infodumping that the Antichrist's evil plan has to do with forming a world religion (which seems a little at odds with his atheism) when Ray bursts in, gushing at how amazing it was to convert his suicidal friend to Christianity. He's realized his destiny -- he's going to be the Antichrist's pilot after all! Chloe points out the obvious problem with both Buck and Ray working for Evil, Inc., and wins the Best Line of the Movie by saying to Buck, "I think you're a really great guy but I'm having a hard time with this hanging out with the Devil thing." Hah! She's easily the most sensible character of the bunch.
Ray goes to beg Hattie, who is pissed that he once led her on, for a job. Apparently, she's now head of Antichrist Airways. He sweet-talks her a bit, and she goes on about how great Nicky is and how he's always going on about world peace -- she even thinks he's a Christian!
Meanwhile, Chloe goes to get relationship advice from Bruce, who advises her to "talk to him." No idea whether the "him" in question is Buck or God (or maybe they're both the same guy), but Chloe thinks it's the former. So she puts on the frumpiest dress she can find and goes to Buck's place. Naturally, she runs into Ivy and her big ol' Engagement Ring of Wacky Romantic Misunderstandings (ERWRM). When she gets home, Buck calls, Chloe hangs up, then Buck calls again and this time gets Ray, who has decided to pimp out his daughter. So Ray invites Buck over and then goes off to bed so that his only surviving child can be ravaged by the jetsetting reporter.
Buck, though, is having some problems with the elevator and gets hauled off to the roof to see Nicky. He fudges his way through it and finds out that the UN has assumed control of the world's media. (Even Indymedia? Oh teh noooes!) Buck doth protest too much about the virtues of a free media and then happily agrees to be Nicky's puppet in order to have total UN security clearance. You'd have to hear it, but the way Nicky says "Buck" is fucking hilarious.
As Buck leaves GNN headquarters, he runs into his idiot friend Steve, who says that it's no big deal that Nicky just so happens to own the station. Finally, Buck gets to mount his crotch rocket and zoom off to the Steele residence. Chloe is all pouty because of the ERWRM. She tries to get Ray to get rid of Buck, but Buck breaks one of the Ten Commandments by lying and saying that he's in the shower. So further romantic hijinks ensue, and then the misunderstanding gets sorted out and there is much hugging and giggling. Hey, is it a sin to lie if it's done in the name of getting your daughter some action?
Then there's more strategizing, and Nicky is foaming at the mouth about the pyro preachers at the Wailing Wall. He orders Steve to increase the number of guards there, leaving me utterly confused as to what Steve actually does for a living. Then Nicky babbles some more about having one world religion, further baffling me, as it seems like that's exactly the kind of setup that the fundies want. For some reason, he thinks that the world is now ready for unity and peace, even though so many people seem to be getting their post-Rapture jollies by looting and killing. But I guess Nicky doesn't get out much. Anyway, he also asserts that the Buck Williams Report is key to said world peace, so I guess he's a little crazy on top of being evil.
Buck and Chloe cute-couple at some place that I think at first is the mall but actually turns out to be the airport. Because she'd totally be all giggly a week after her mother and brother died. Anyway, he kisses her (on the cheek, you perverts!) and goes off to be the Mouthpiece of the Antichrist. Then Chloe bids farewell to her dad, who's off to be the Pilot of the Antichrist.
Ray, as it turns out, is not very interested in flying the plane, so he leaves his co-pilot in charge and goes off to play Hardy Boys with Buck. Nicky is in the boardroom channeling Mr. Burns ("Excellent!"), along with Team Antichrist. Ray figures out that they're writing a speech for some dude named Ben Judah, so he swipes the speech off Nicky's laptop. Wow -- that's stealing! Now he's broken two Commandments. And why does he even need that? Apparently Ben Judah is giving the speech the next day, anyway. Ray almost gets caught by Nicky, who shakes his hand and turns into a demon. Ray does a very bad job of pretending not to notice, but he gets away with the disk with his
Now we're in Jerusalem. Hey, look -- the Dome of the Rock is still there! Ray shows up in Buck's hotel room with the speech they're going to hear the next day anyway. It's about how Nicky got impaled by a tractor when he was a kid and is therefore the Messiah. Apparently this speech has been changed from Ben Judah's earlier draft, which was about Flying Spagetti Monsters. They hatch a really clever plan to get Ben Judah to the fire-breathing duo at the Wall.
Of course, they didn't think about this plan very hard, because it's no beans when Buck tries to schmooze Steve into letting him go to the Wall. Steve gives him a consolation prize, though, which is a laser print-out of Nicky's crappy new logo for his world religion. Man, these people need to hire a better designer.
Back in Chicago, Chloe has decided to hang out with the Littlest Burn Victim. Ivy shows up, giving Chloe someone cooler (and less gory) to hang with, so she ditches the LBV. Ivy apologizes for the two of them getting off to a bad start, so they do some girl-bonding about the Bible. Ivy calls it a "magic formula," and Chloe holier-than-thous about how "you either wanna believe it or you don't." Ivy, having taken Chloe's place as the only sane character in this movie, hightails it out of there.
Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem, there are a lot of Orthodox Jews. The least Orthodox-looking is Ben Judah, who is very cleanshaven for an Orthodox rabbi. Buck finds him by virtue of him being the only guy in Jerusalem with no facial hair. Some Muslims go by -- you can tell they're Muslims because they're wearing burqas. Anyway, Ben goes on about world religion, so Buck challenges Ben to go to the Wall and discredit these two fire-breathers who are winning so many people to the cause of the Church of Carnival Freaks. Ben, unlike Steve, is not very bright, so he agrees. But Steve and Nicky are plotting and they decide to issue orders to shoot anyone who tries to go near the Wall.
Phew! Buck and Ray prepare to storm the Wall, bonding over Chloe in a kind of creepy way. Then they pray together in a very manly way that is in no way homoerotic.
Buck is on the Jerusalem set-piece, standing in front of a Palestinian in a keffiyah, and he calls up Chloe on his cell phone and gives away the entire plan. He's never heard of phone-tapping, apparently. Ben shows up, and they take off. I notice that the sign on the Wall is in English and Hebrew but not Arabic. Weird. They're met by soldiers. Ray's in the background praying. Oddly enough, the hot chick he turned down earlier miraculously appears, grabs his hand, and starts singing Amazing Grace. While she distracts the soldiers, our heroes sneak past the guards.
Best. Plan. Ever. Good thing the hot chick showed up!
It turns out that the fire-breathing guys are two crusty punks with long beards and very poor hygiene. They get into a religious debate with Ben with bad Hebrew and English simultaneous voiceovers while Buck films it. It's live, so Nicky cuts it. The crusties go on about Jesus and how he came not to condemn the world but to save it. I note this line because it's actually contrary to the message of the rest of the movie. Ben is acting like he's never heard this crap before. The soldiers start shooting, but -- I bet you saw this coming -- the crusties start breathing fire and immolate the poor sods.
Ivy shows up in the burn ward to see Chloe and the Littlest Burn Victim. LBV has decided he's ready for God, so he apologizes to the Big Guy and thanks Jesus and puts his life in Jesus's hands. Jesus, though, seems to want him dead, so farewell, LBV. There's more hugging and crying and girl-bonding.
Back in Jerusalem, Nicky introduces Ben to a huge crowd as basically the Best Jew Ever. The Best Jew Ever will show up in an hour to make the Best Ever Jew Speech. I'm not sure what the crowd is supposed to do in the meantime, though, because Nicky has to go back to New York. Before he leaves, Nicky finds Buck and says, "thanks for trying to discredit the crusty punks, nice job l'il fella kthnxbye." Even the Antichrist is bone stupid in this movie.
Ben announces that he's discovered the identity of the Messiah. Everyone applauds. Ben gives a big, boring lead up, and everyone acts all interested despite the number of people who go on about this crap on a regular basis. Why it matters what the Best Jew Ever thinks, I have no idea. But halfway through the speech, Nicky gets all pissy that Ben said that the Messiah was born in Bethlehem (Nicky having been born in the same place as Ensign Chekhov from Star Trek, judging by the accent). He's all about to cut the feed, but Ray has sneakly removed a little chip that has some correlation to Nicky's cell phone. Pwned!
Finally, Chloe and Bruce, who are watching it on TV with a sobbing Ivy, force the girl to convert. Apparently she's touched by all of the unique camera angles in this bit.
Buck and Ben split before all hell breaks loose. Ray finally does his job and flies the plane -- well, actually, he thanks God, fiddles with his locket, and puts up pictures of his dead family. But at least he's in the pilot's seat. Hattie, in the boardroom, drools all over Nicky, who kicks her out and then throws a big spaz. It's a tremendous freakout, given that he knows he's destined to rule the world for seven years and then get thrown into a lake of fire.
The movie ends in church, with people singing, including Chris and Ivy. I bet they're going to hook up at some point. Buck shows up all smug, and I realized he's broken Commandments by lying to Nicky and committing adultery in his head. The end!
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you can make kirk cameron dance at the way of the master site. if you have the jesus channel you should check to see if it's on because it's really impressive. they disproved evolution by taking a monkey into a restaurant and showing that it didn't know how to use utensils. they also say that if you lie, you are a liar, and therefore you're going to hell.
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You can totally train a monkey to use utensils. They are lying about that, and therefore are going to hell by their own standards.
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Ghosts definitely dodgy from a literalist pov. Parable of the Rich Man and Lazarus. Lazarus wasn't allowed to take a day trip from Heaven to warn the family of the Rich Man to turn away from their wicked ways. Hah! The film-makers have got their doctrine wrong so they are all going to Fundie Hell!
(There was the appearance of Samuel though when Saul got the Witch of Endor to summon him. Though what Saul was doing with the Ewoks I have no idea.)
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Throughout the movie, people keep insisting that their loved ones are not coming back because they're in Heaven. It seems odd that Irene Steele gets to be the exception, especially when it would make no real difference to the plot if she didn't show up.
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But no, they want it to be an action movie.
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My significant other can not figure out my joy and bliss at watching this kind of schlock. I have not seen much of the LB movies - but I do watch with glee when I can.
Last week they had a movie on about a woman sentenced to death and finding christ in jail - it made me wet with the crappyness.
I spent 3 years working at barnes and noble in the dawning millennium and selling LB books to stupid people was a big part of the job. Eventually comic (graphic novel) versions were put out so that the word could make it even to those christians who could not handle the complex original pictureless text.
I own a few of the comics just for fun - when I heard KK was going to be playing the lead it made me dance a jig.
He is such an asshole! Have you seen his other Christian Channel spot where he walks up to people on the street - asks them questions and then calls them sinners?
It's fabulous.
Oh - and he talks about his old sinning life as Mike Severson - HA!
Also he has disowned his old co-worker kid brother because he is the gay.
God loves!
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I think working at a bookstore where one sells primarily LB books to idiots would be great comic-book material, actually.
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Once a month my uterus wakes me up and I spend all night watching 2am style christian network.
It is horrifyingly beutiful.
Where else would you see this...
or this...
or this...
OH - IN GOOGLING....
I found this...
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/24/story_2447_1.html
Don't know if you watch Six feet under - but Billy Chenowith is going to play Jesus.
That is the best thing ever.
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http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0263728/
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I remember watching low(er) budget Rapture Porn back in my church goin' days. And why do all the Christian TV stations show so much Info-tainment? I guess
you can't pay for your FCC license with prayer...
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