sabotabby: two lisa frank style kittens with a zizek quote (trash can of ideology)
I’m having a hard time right now. We are all having a hard time. You all know what my preferred coping mechanism is for that? An easy dunk. And what is an easier dunk than a new Left Behind movie? If only there were a SECRET FUCKING LEFT BEHIND MOVIE THAT I HAD NEVER HEARD OF WTF???? I discovered this a few days ago and my friends, it’s as if you had told me that they just discovered a new fragment of the Epic of Gilgamesh, or the world’s tiniest frog. I am full of joy and the Lord.

Wait, how are there more Left Behind movies? I thought I had seen all the Left Behind movies! But apparently there was one made in 2017 that must have gone straight to YouTube, and you are never going to guess who produced it. No, really, I’m leaving this as a mystery because you are going to LOSE YOUR SHIT. (This joke is going to be extremely funny to you in about 5 minutes, depending on your reading speed.)


It’s loosely adapted from the spinoff series The Kids, which is Left Behind For the Teens, and is a blatant attempt to cash in, several years too late, on the whole YA post-apocalyptic craze. It even stars several people from Teen Wolf! (Disappointingly, not any of the characters I remember.)


Okay, the other disappointing news is that this is the best Left Behind adaptation to date, which is not saying very much. Because it’s not based on the main series, we don’t have to deal with the worst characters in fiction, and our young protagonists are free to be massively more likable people than Rayford Steele or Buck Williams. Which is to say they get to be protagonists instead of merely enabling the villain. The Jesus/Revelations stuff is definitely backgrounded, so most of the film has to do with running around in forests, which is harder, though not impossible as we’ll see, to fuck up. Which is not to say it’s a good movie (I promise that in fact it is a really terrible movie), just that it avoids so many of the pitfalls of both the books and earlier films that it’s almost shocking.


If you’re interested in some gossipy inside baseball, the reason why it’s better has something to do with the lawsuit between Cloud Ten and Tim LaHaye, who famously hated the Cloud Ten/Namesake movies. LaHaye was basically dying during this production, which was led by his grandson, Randy LaHaye. Randy wanted to make a film that Tim would be proud of, and he did it with a series of sketchy investment companies that only appear to exist to make films like this. They still did a better job than Cloud Ten, which is an incredibly low bar.


Let’s get to it!

apocalypse time! )
sabotabby: plain text icon that says first as shitpost, second as farce (shitpost)

My dear readers, the world is a fuck and things have all been very difficult lately, and you deserve what we all deserve.


An easy dunk.


Today I announce the triumphant return of Cheatsheet Of Freedom, in which I watch terrible (and, occasionally, surprisingly good) films so that you don’t have to. Basically, like Jesus Christ, I sacrifice myself on the cross of terrible screenwriting, piss-poor acting, and failures of camerawork, so that you, gentle reader, can be spared the worst cinematic horrors of our time.


And it is with joy that I approach this latest installment, because there is another Left Behind movie! That’s right! To no applause last year, a production company which I shall not yet name because the name itself is incredibly funny, helmed by one Kevin Sorbo (you know, the Hercules guy who now can’t get work, unless you count “being pwned by Xena Warrior Princess on Twitter” as work), produced a new Left Behind. Filmed in Calgary, Alberta, no less.


If you’re just tuning in and are a normal person who hasn’t spent the last two decades spelunking in the worst parts of the internet, you may be asking, “what exactly is Left Behind?”


The short version is, it’s a far-right Christian paranoid fever dream about all of the True Christians (along with every child and fetus under the age of 12) getting Raptured, condemning everyone else to seven years of hell on Earth before Jesus shows up and smites everyone with his laser beam eyes. Our quote-unquote protagonists realize what’s happening, say the magic words to convert to the exact right type of Christianity, and team up to form a Tribulation Force to fight the Antichrist, who is a Romanian politician named after a mountain range. There are seven main books in the series, too many spin-offs to count, and now five movies, three, based on the first three books, starring Kirk Cameron of Growing Pains fame, followed by an attempted reboot in 2014, and now this one.


Some context is needed here. You see, I was terribly confused by this, because it’s framed as a reboot of the series with a brand-new cast. However, it is not a reboot—it is a sequel to the 2014 Left Behind movie starring Nicholas Cage. That movie is a garbage piece of shit that repackaged the story as an action movie instead of a theological treatise, which is a problem not because I agree with the garbage theology but because that’s all it is, and if you take out the Jesus stuff, all you get is a lot of travel planning and people talking on cellphones. No one acts like a person. It spends the whole time on the plane with pilot Rayford Steele trying to land the plane while investigative reporter Buck Williams flaps about, and I really don’t remember it all that well. If I’d been in charge, I would have gone further in the plot and cast Nic Cage as Nicolae Carpathia instead of Rayford Steele and it would have been a better movie for it.


So this sequel, while titled after the third book, Nicolae: Rise of the Antichrist (spoilers, I guess), is actually an adaptation of the second half of the first book, Left Behind. Still following along? Great!


A little personal history. I first became obsessed with these books when I read Fred Clark/Slacktivist’s reviews of them. 14/10, no notes. I cannot recommend these reviews enough. You will learn more about storytelling, theology, and media criticism from them than you will learn from any number of university courses. I honestly think if there is a god, Fred Clark is doing their work here on Earth.


Of course I have seen all the movies and have strong opinions on them and the relative strengths of the adaptations. If you’re interested in my thoughts on most of the other ones, just go ahead and click the “left behind” tag. You may be surprised if you’re just joining me now that there are actually things I appreciate in the films. The books are a hot flaming dumpster fire but occasionally, you get these little bits where a filmmaker or an actor or a cinematographer will try to actually make a watchable movie out of them. An example is Brad Johnson (the first Rayford Steele) in the first one, who does his job as best he can even though the script is terrible. He gives an emotional performance where there is no emotion on the page. So I will at times weigh in on things in this movie that are less bad than they otherwise might have been. I appreciate the story on the level of unintentional humour—they are terrible, they are unaware that they are terrible, and I enjoy making fun of them to a truly Luciferian degree.

You are not ready )

Please join us next time for dizzying shifts of genre, the worst character in this whole series, and of course, lots of scenes where people Google things on cellphones.
sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (science vs religion)
Two very exciting films that I will need to watch so that you don't have to are on their way!

You have probably already seen the amazing publicity material for the Left Behind reboot starring, in a bout of Best Casting Ever, Nicolas Cage as Rayford Steele (srsly, if you've read the books or seen the original movies, you will understand exactly how flawless that casting is. I can't believe he agreed to do it). I may actually need to go see it in the theatre if it plays in Toronto, which it probably won't, alas.

But! Did you know that Ron Paul will be in the third and final (haha who are we kidding? as long as the director is independently wealthy, he will find a way to make more) Atlas Shrugged movie? Because that is also fantastic. Unfortunately, with the last two movies, it took forever for torrents to show up, so let's hope this one goes straight to DVD and spares me the agony of waiting for it.

In the meantime, I'm itching to do another recap. I haven't decided what yet, or whether it will be something that you shouldn't watch or should.

The only movies I seem to care about these days are terrible ones. TV's where it's at for me. I enjoy long-form narratives and wish more authors would write penny dreadfuls.

zzzz

Dec. 8th, 2011 06:55 am
sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (sleep of reason/goya/wouldprefernot2)
I must be reading too many Left Behind reviews.

Miss Tabby goes to Heaven )
sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (design)
New and exciting blog the Eschatologist has an interesting and charmingly non-judgmental article on the redesign of the Left Behind novels and what the new covers say about how pop culture imagines apocalypse(s).

left behind old and new covers

Aesthetically, I like the new typography—much more modern, fun, and refreshing. The old covers had an extremely formal design, with the horrible faux-stone 3D effect on the serif type. This made the apocalypse seem like a done deal, to be honest, which robbed the novels of any sort of suspense that their protagonists might, you know, actually lift a finger to attempt to struggle against evil rather than calmly waiting out the Tribulation. Also, the type on the old covers looked too much like a movie poster, which is presumptuous.

Image-wise, I am split. The photos for Left Behind, Soul Harvest, Appolyon, Assassins, The Indwelling, The Mark, and Glorious Appearing are clear improvements. Tribulation Force's new cover is terrible. It looks like a dull book on American policy in the Middle East. No one wants to see photos of faces on the covers of trade fiction books. It is simply Not Done.

The cover of the original edition of Nicolae is terrible—the new one is a much better photo, artistically speaking—but I agree with the Eschatologist that it kind of screws with the meaning. Carpathia is not supposed to look like an old Soviet bureaucrat. For fuck's sake. The original one is a terrible composition but at least it keeps the whole Antichrist-as-charming-visionary aesthetic.

I disagree with the Eschatologist on the cover of Assassins. I don't disagree that it's racist as fuck. It is definitely racist as fuck. It's prettier, though. The original looks like a Clancy cover.

I can't make up my mind on Desecration. Personally, I'm just not sure a book with dead fish on the cover will sell. Who is their target market, exactly? Does this target market like dead fish floating in blood and, more importantly, are they likely to either buy it to put on their bookshelves or give it as a gift? "Just what I wanted for Christmas, Aunt Maude! A book about dead fish floating in blood." Whereas on the old cover, it's clear that the Antichrist is rising and means business, and they manage to get this impression across without dead fish floating in blood. I'm just sayin'.

Both of the covers for The Remnant suck. Come on, book designer! This is a series about the end of the world—you really couldn't find a better photo to use?

The old cover for Armageddon is the clear winner. As a book designer, if I'm given the choice to show the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse or a helicopter flying over an explosion, I'm going to choose the former every time, if only because the movie Live Free Or Die Hard is pretty much the end of the story in terms of illustrating helicopters and explosions. Also, horses are cool.

left behind,books,cover design
What Would Sabotabby Do?

Both covers for Glorious Appearing are a bit shit, mostly because they missed the boat. That's the book where Jesus comes back and shoots laser beams out of his eyes and burns all of the sinners in a pit of lava (sorry, I guess that was a spoiler). That is the sole reason why anyone would pick up the book, to read about Jesus with laser beams shooting out of his eyes, and you're telling me that the designer couldn't be arsed to put that scene on the cover? What. A. Waste.

left behind,books,cover design
There, I fixed it.

I really like the new clock graphic, too. Subtle, Tyndale. Very subtle.

Still, this would be a very difficult book design project, both because a designer would have to actually read the books and also if you don't do a good job, Jesus will kill you with his laser eye-beams, so I doff my hat to the person tasked with this endeavour.
sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (march)
Between marking and freelance work—let's be honest, I was utterly procrastinating, long past the point of being productive—I finally caught up with the latest season of Sarah Jane Adventures. And found myself relating to children's TV far more than I should.

The thing is, activists on telly are usually portrayed as either one-note earnest martyrs for the cause (not that we don't know people like that, am I right?) or laughable strawpeople, and the latest SJA episode was most decidedly Not That. And despite it being not the best episode ever in terms of narrative, it hit home for me emotionally in a way that I feel the need to babble about.

spoilers )

The other thing I enjoyed yesterday was the latest installment of Slacktivist's Left Behind reviews. I mean, the posts are always good, but the comments are the big exception to Don't Read the Comments. People have started writing fanfiction. Or, anti-fanfiction, I guess. Basically, ficlets that are Left Behind if it were any good at all: fleshing out stereotypical side characters, calculating a functional resistance, what the disappearances would look like from a Muslim point of view (then, later, a Norse pagan point of view and a Cthulhu-cultist's point of view. The latter had me in stitches.). It's really enjoyable fiction that I want to see made into an actual novel.
sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (harper = evil)
By the way, our government suspended Parliament again. No one noticed because we are all stuffing ourselves with turkey or whatever. Well, not me. I was stuffing myself with tofurky. But you get the point.

Is it me, or do these people maybe just not want to govern? Perhaps Harper should return to playing kitten poker or whatever he does when he's not bungling climate change conferences or supporting Colombian anti-union death squads, and hand over the running of the country to someone who actually gives a shit.


Unrelated but I've already made two other posts today, so I'm tagging it onto this one: I'm catching up on Slacktivist's Left Behind reviews (he's in the middle of Tribulation Force, a.k.a. The One Where Nothing Happens Because the Bible Says Nothing Will Happen). In this post, he mentions that a pop culture hero, any pop culture hero (but, you know, especially Buffy and the Doctor), would have a better response to taking on the Antichrist than the Tribulation Force does.

Which leads to this comment, which is spot-on and gave me my giggle for the day.

P.S. Done my exams! No longer procrastinating. Go me.
sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (Default)
By the way, our government suspended Parliament again. No one noticed because we are all stuffing ourselves with turkey or whatever. Well, not me. I was stuffing myself with tofurky. But you get the point.

Is it me, or do these people maybe just not want to govern? Perhaps Harper should return to playing kitten poker or whatever he does when he's not bungling climate change conferences or supporting Colombian anti-union death squads, and hand over the running of the country to someone who actually gives a shit.


Unrelated but I've already made two other posts today, so I'm tagging it onto this one: I'm catching up on Slacktivist's Left Behind reviews (he's in the middle of Tribulation Force, a.k.a. The One Where Nothing Happens Because the Bible Says Nothing Will Happen). In this post, he mentions that a pop culture hero, any pop culture hero (but, you know, especially Buffy and the Doctor), would have a better response to taking on the Antichrist than the Tribulation Force does.

Which leads to this comment, which is spot-on and gave me my giggle for the day.

P.S. Done my exams! No longer procrastinating. Go me.
sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (abortion)
We now return to Left Behind. Part I is here, Part II is here.

When we left off, God had smote 2% of the population, scaring the shit out of porn star pilot Rayford Steele and causing him to emote and pray a lot. Meanwhile, porn star reporter Buck Williams was hot on the trail of a Jewtastic banking conspiracy. Sikhs, dogs, mice, Jews, and token black guys, we found out, don't end up in heaven. But will Chloe and Buck?

Let's find out! )

Of course, the way that Left Behind portrays heaven is so dull (long speeches, steaming heaps of produce, and no sex) that you wonder why anyone would want to go.
sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (Default)
We now return to Left Behind. Part I is here, Part II is here.

When we left off, God had smote 2% of the population, scaring the shit out of porn star pilot Rayford Steele and causing him to emote and pray a lot. Meanwhile, porn star reporter Buck Williams was hot on the trail of a Jewtastic banking conspiracy. Sikhs, dogs, mice, Jews, and token black guys, we found out, don't end up in heaven. But will Chloe and Buck?

Let's find out! )

Of course, the way that Left Behind portrays heaven is so dull (long speeches, steaming heaps of produce, and no sex) that you wonder why anyone would want to go.
sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (abortion)
Part I be here. But before I continue, let us contemplate the strange phenomenon that is Christian art.

Christians have done some truly shitty things, like the Crusades and the Inquisition and the Spanish Civil War, but let's not forget that they have also done some cool things too. Much of the great art, music, and literature, at least in the West, has been inspired by genuine love of Jesus. But that's not good enough for the fundies. When we talk about Christian art as a modern marketing category, we're not talking about "Going Home," or Handel's Messiah. We're talking about this sort of pablum. Thomas Kinkade, not Michelangelo's Pietà. Left Behind, not Dante's Inferno.

Which is something I truly don't understand. As far as I can tell, Christian art serves two purposes beyond the purely aesthetic: First, to confirm the faith felt by believers, and second, as propaganda to convert non-believers. Skill and art are key in both cases; if you contemplate a superlative being, said being must inspire greatness in its followers. The primary goal of Christian art would be, presumably, to allow both believers and non-believers to better understand questions of faith.

Left Behind fails miserably in this regard, and owing to its popularity, speaks to a certain degradation of theological discourse. The authors do not even expect their readers (Christian or non-Christian) to be able to grasp a clever allegory like the ones in the Chronicles of Narnia or A Prayer for Owen Meany. (And I'm not even sure that you'd find those books in a Christian bookstore.) Left Behind's audience must be taunted and threatened into believing, out of fear, that if they don't say the magic words right now, Jesus could come back and they'll be left holding the bag.

Anyway, when we'd left off, Buck and Steele were in an airplane with half of its passengers missing, and Chloe was wondering if she'd get a refund on her tuition.

Let's continue! )

Next time: Things explode, the Antichrist rises, and we find out more than we needed to know about twisted fundamentalist sexuality.
sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (Default)
Part I be here. But before I continue, let us contemplate the strange phenomenon that is Christian art.

Christians have done some truly shitty things, like the Crusades and the Inquisition and the Spanish Civil War, but let's not forget that they have also done some cool things too. Much of the great art, music, and literature, at least in the West, has been inspired by genuine love of Jesus. But that's not good enough for the fundies. When we talk about Christian art as a modern marketing category, we're not talking about "Going Home," or Handel's Messiah. We're talking about this sort of pablum. Thomas Kinkade, not Michelangelo's Pietà. Left Behind, not Dante's Inferno.

Which is something I truly don't understand. As far as I can tell, Christian art serves two purposes beyond the purely aesthetic: First, to confirm the faith felt by believers, and second, as propaganda to convert non-believers. Skill and art are key in both cases; if you contemplate a superlative being, said being must inspire greatness in its followers. The primary goal of Christian art would be, presumably, to allow both believers and non-believers to better understand questions of faith.

Left Behind fails miserably in this regard, and owing to its popularity, speaks to a certain degradation of theological discourse. The authors do not even expect their readers (Christian or non-Christian) to be able to grasp a clever allegory like the ones in the Chronicles of Narnia or A Prayer for Owen Meany. (And I'm not even sure that you'd find those books in a Christian bookstore.) Left Behind's audience must be taunted and threatened into believing, out of fear, that if they don't say the magic words right now, Jesus could come back and they'll be left holding the bag.

Anyway, when we'd left off, Buck and Steele were in an airplane with half of its passengers missing, and Chloe was wondering if she'd get a refund on her tuition.

Let's continue! )

Next time: Things explode, the Antichrist rises, and we find out more than we needed to know about twisted fundamentalist sexuality.
sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (abortion)
By popular request, I watched Left Behind so that you don’t have to. Again. That is how much I love you guys. But you know, this is why democracy isn't a cure-all for political problems, I mean, Huckabee just won Iowa. Sometimes the masses vote stupidly.

Anyway. The Left Behind franchise is awful on a number of levels. It's bad art, it's bad politics, and it's bad theology. The next three posts cannot begin to cover just how very, very awful it is. And don't think that it's "just a book" (or just a series of books, or just a series of movies and a video game where you have to kill infidels). It's quite influential (the books have sold over 65 million copies) and there are people who take it as a literal depiction of things to come. Which is why people like Huckabee get elected.

I assume that everyone is familiar with the story of Left Behind? Rod Steele and Buck Bareback* are two unlucky sinners stuck on Planet Earth after God decides to commit the world’s largest genocide by killing off 2% of the world’s population (in the movie; I think it's around 20% in the books), including all pre-pubescent children. God is supposed to be the good guy in this, by the way, so you can imagine how despicable all of the other characters are. Suck and Fuck pretty much spend the entire novel talking on cell phones while the Antichrist rises to power through seizing control of the UN, stripping all countries of nuclear weapons, and standardizing world currencies (no, it doesn’t make a lot of sense unless you’re as batshit insane as the authors).

The frightening thing is that the movie, craptastic as it is, is actually better than the book. For one thing, it stars Kirk Cameron as Balls Deep, which is pretty funny, and for another, whoever made this movie was clearly aware of how much the book sucked and corrected some of the more obvious pacing and setting problems. It’s a lot easier to depict a September 11th-style Wall of Missing People in a movie than it is for authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins to realistically write a scene portraying actual human grief. So keep in mind that however awful the dialogue and the acting are, what you're about to see is an improvement over the original steaming pile of turdblossom. If you're interested in learning how much the first book sucks, particularly on a theological level, read Fred Clark's series of legendary posts.

Shall we? )

Next up: Steele finds the firm, hard shaft of Jesus Christ, and becomes even more insufferable.

* Porn star names may not be 100% accurate.
sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (Default)
By popular request, I watched Left Behind so that you don’t have to. Again. That is how much I love you guys. But you know, this is why democracy isn't a cure-all for political problems, I mean, Huckabee just won Iowa. Sometimes the masses vote stupidly.

Anyway. The Left Behind franchise is awful on a number of levels. It's bad art, it's bad politics, and it's bad theology. The next three posts cannot begin to cover just how very, very awful it is. And don't think that it's "just a book" (or just a series of books, or just a series of movies and a video game where you have to kill infidels). It's quite influential (the books have sold over 65 million copies) and there are people who take it as a literal depiction of things to come. Which is why people like Huckabee get elected.

I assume that everyone is familiar with the story of Left Behind? Rod Steele and Buck Bareback* are two unlucky sinners stuck on Planet Earth after God decides to commit the world’s largest genocide by killing off 2% of the world’s population (in the movie; I think it's around 20% in the books), including all pre-pubescent children. God is supposed to be the good guy in this, by the way, so you can imagine how despicable all of the other characters are. Suck and Fuck pretty much spend the entire novel talking on cell phones while the Antichrist rises to power through seizing control of the UN, stripping all countries of nuclear weapons, and standardizing world currencies (no, it doesn’t make a lot of sense unless you’re as batshit insane as the authors).

The frightening thing is that the movie, craptastic as it is, is actually better than the book. For one thing, it stars Kirk Cameron as Balls Deep, which is pretty funny, and for another, whoever made this movie was clearly aware of how much the book sucked and corrected some of the more obvious pacing and setting problems. It’s a lot easier to depict a September 11th-style Wall of Missing People in a movie than it is for authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins to realistically write a scene portraying actual human grief. So keep in mind that however awful the dialogue and the acting are, what you're about to see is an improvement over the original steaming pile of turdblossom. If you're interested in learning how much the first book sucks, particularly on a theological level, read Fred Clark's series of legendary posts.

Shall we? )

Next up: Steele finds the firm, hard shaft of Jesus Christ, and becomes even more insufferable.

* Porn star names may not be 100% accurate.
sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (Default)
I was feeling really down, but luckily, Jesus sent me a miracle. Not a solution to my woes -- no, that kind of thing doesn't happen in real life -- but a showing of Left Behind II: Tribulation Force on the Christian Television Network. This was awesome, because mocking Leviticans is just what was needed to cheer your humble narrator up a bit.

Anyway, I haven't read or seen any of the Left Behind products before, but I've been reading Slacktivist's reviews of the first book, so I knew what I was getting into here. If you think you're going to be lost, you can check out the archives, but they did a nice job of summarizing the first book in about 30 seconds of the movie.

What follows is my summary of the movie so that you can know the Word of God without watching Kirk Cameron from Growing Pains making a damned fool out of himself.

Spoilers, ahoy! )
sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (Default)
I was feeling really down, but luckily, Jesus sent me a miracle. Not a solution to my woes -- no, that kind of thing doesn't happen in real life -- but a showing of Left Behind II: Tribulation Force on the Christian Television Network. This was awesome, because mocking Leviticans is just what was needed to cheer your humble narrator up a bit.

Anyway, I haven't read or seen any of the Left Behind products before, but I've been reading Slacktivist's reviews of the first book, so I knew what I was getting into here. If you think you're going to be lost, you can check out the archives, but they did a nice job of summarizing the first book in about 30 seconds of the movie.

What follows is my summary of the movie so that you can know the Word of God without watching Kirk Cameron from Growing Pains making a damned fool out of himself.

Spoilers, ahoy! )

Profile

sabotabby: raccoon anarchy symbol (Default)
sabotabby

April 2025

S M T W T F S
   1 23 45
678 910 1112
131415 16 17 18 19
20 21 2223242526
27282930   

Style Credit

Syndicate

RSS Atom
Page generated Apr. 23rd, 2025 11:24 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

Most Popular Tags