Left Behind: The Vanished, Part 3
Mar. 16th, 2025 09:59 amSoooo…which one of you is the vampire and which one is the werewolf?
( Running around in the woods while being menaced by a cult leader should be hard to fuck up, right? )
Soooo…which one of you is the vampire and which one is the werewolf?
( Running around in the woods while being menaced by a cult leader should be hard to fuck up, right? )
Speaking of Vanished, what happened to Josh’s arms?
Wait, how are there more Left Behind movies? I thought I had seen all the Left Behind movies! But apparently there was one made in 2017 that must have gone straight to YouTube, and you are never going to guess who produced it. No, really, I’m leaving this as a mystery because you are going to LOSE YOUR SHIT. (This joke is going to be extremely funny to you in about 5 minutes, depending on your reading speed.)
It’s loosely adapted from the spinoff series The Kids, which is Left Behind For the Teens, and is a blatant attempt to cash in, several years too late, on the whole YA post-apocalyptic craze. It even stars several people from Teen Wolf! (Disappointingly, not any of the characters I remember.)
Okay, the other disappointing news is that this is the best Left Behind adaptation to date, which is not saying very much. Because it’s not based on the main series, we don’t have to deal with the worst characters in fiction, and our young protagonists are free to be massively more likable people than Rayford Steele or Buck Williams. Which is to say they get to be protagonists instead of merely enabling the villain. The Jesus/Revelations stuff is definitely backgrounded, so most of the film has to do with running around in forests, which is harder, though not impossible as we’ll see, to fuck up. Which is not to say it’s a good movie (I promise that in fact it is a really terrible movie), just that it avoids so many of the pitfalls of both the books and earlier films that it’s almost shocking.
If you’re interested in some gossipy inside baseball, the reason why it’s better has something to do with the lawsuit between Cloud Ten and Tim LaHaye, who famously hated the Cloud Ten/Namesake movies. LaHaye was basically dying during this production, which was led by his grandson, Randy LaHaye. Randy wanted to make a film that Tim would be proud of, and he did it with a series of sketchy investment companies that only appear to exist to make films like this. They still did a better job than Cloud Ten, which is an incredibly low bar.
Let’s get to it!
My dear readers, the world is a fuck and things have all been very difficult lately, and you deserve what we all deserve.
An easy dunk.
Today I announce the triumphant return of Cheatsheet Of Freedom, in which I watch terrible (and, occasionally, surprisingly good) films so that you don’t have to. Basically, like Jesus Christ, I sacrifice myself on the cross of terrible screenwriting, piss-poor acting, and failures of camerawork, so that you, gentle reader, can be spared the worst cinematic horrors of our time.
And it is with joy that I approach this latest installment, because there is another Left Behind movie! That’s right! To no applause last year, a production company which I shall not yet name because the name itself is incredibly funny, helmed by one Kevin Sorbo (you know, the Hercules guy who now can’t get work, unless you count “being pwned by Xena Warrior Princess on Twitter” as work), produced a new Left Behind. Filmed in Calgary, Alberta, no less.
If you’re just tuning in and are a normal person who hasn’t spent the last two decades spelunking in the worst parts of the internet, you may be asking, “what exactly is Left Behind?”
The short version is, it’s a far-right Christian paranoid fever dream about all of the True Christians (along with every child and fetus under the age of 12) getting Raptured, condemning everyone else to seven years of hell on Earth before Jesus shows up and smites everyone with his laser beam eyes. Our quote-unquote protagonists realize what’s happening, say the magic words to convert to the exact right type of Christianity, and team up to form a Tribulation Force to fight the Antichrist, who is a Romanian politician named after a mountain range. There are seven main books in the series, too many spin-offs to count, and now five movies, three, based on the first three books, starring Kirk Cameron of Growing Pains fame, followed by an attempted reboot in 2014, and now this one.
Some context is needed here. You see, I was terribly confused by this, because it’s framed as a reboot of the series with a brand-new cast. However, it is not a reboot—it is a sequel to the 2014 Left Behind movie starring Nicholas Cage. That movie is a garbage piece of shit that repackaged the story as an action movie instead of a theological treatise, which is a problem not because I agree with the garbage theology but because that’s all it is, and if you take out the Jesus stuff, all you get is a lot of travel planning and people talking on cellphones. No one acts like a person. It spends the whole time on the plane with pilot Rayford Steele trying to land the plane while investigative reporter Buck Williams flaps about, and I really don’t remember it all that well. If I’d been in charge, I would have gone further in the plot and cast Nic Cage as Nicolae Carpathia instead of Rayford Steele and it would have been a better movie for it.
So this sequel, while titled after the third book, Nicolae: Rise of the Antichrist (spoilers, I guess), is actually an adaptation of the second half of the first book, Left Behind. Still following along? Great!
A little personal history. I first became obsessed with these books when I read Fred Clark/Slacktivist’s reviews of them. 14/10, no notes. I cannot recommend these reviews enough. You will learn more about storytelling, theology, and media criticism from them than you will learn from any number of university courses. I honestly think if there is a god, Fred Clark is doing their work here on Earth.
Of course I have seen all the movies and have strong opinions on them and the relative strengths of the adaptations. If you’re interested in my thoughts on most of the other ones, just go ahead and click the “left behind” tag. You may be surprised if you’re just joining me now that there are actually things I appreciate in the films. The books are a hot flaming dumpster fire but occasionally, you get these little bits where a filmmaker or an actor or a cinematographer will try to actually make a watchable movie out of them. An example is Brad Johnson (the first Rayford Steele) in the first one, who does his job as best he can even though the script is terrible. He gives an emotional performance where there is no emotion on the page. So I will at times weigh in on things in this movie that are less bad than they otherwise might have been. I appreciate the story on the level of unintentional humour—they are terrible, they are unaware that they are terrible, and I enjoy making fun of them to a truly Luciferian degree.