Overton Window: Chapter 42-44

Chapter 42

Noah has been pill popping like he’s Rush Limbaugh, and now he’s jonesing. Man, has be been stoned for the last ten chapters? I lost count. I mean, this is all happening over the course like three days, but I don’t think Beck has really considered the narrative implications of having his viewpoint character stoned so much. I know I criticized Beck earlier for writing about things he’s clearly not experienced or researched, but I actually think this bit might be accurate, as this entire book seems to have been written while on drugs.

He reads her directions, which are the e-mails that Danny sent. And yet another exciting chapter comes to a thrilling conclusion!


Chapter 43

Danny calls 911 and tells them that he and his new boyfriend are in a truck with a stolen nuke that belongs to a terrorist cell. He seems to assume that they can triangulate his location by “verifying his voiceprint,” which is a load of techno-fail if I ever heard one. You’d think the guy could just give directions and save them some time.

Anyway, he and Kearns check out the dead guy they’ve stolen. It’s Kearns’ FBI contact, who is also, conveniently, the only guy who knows that he’s undercover as Fake!Kearns. The nuke that they’ve picked up is a real nuke and not the iNuke, and it’s rigged to be detonated from the front seat. And the teabaggers have another nuke, I guess? I’m not sure. Anyway, the evil conspiracy is some sort of Xanatos Gambit to set up Fake!Kearns and Danny as patsies when the bomb goes off at Senator Not Appearing In This Story’s office, though really, this relies on them being able to figure out that they were being set up, shooting all the militia dudes, and stealing the truck, which—okay, I give up, this doesn’t make any sense at all. The only solution is to reset the GPS for somewhere uninhabited and blow themselves up.

I don’t know. I could think of a few other solutions, like maybe trying to take shelter somewhere and not leaving poor Mr. Bigglesworth an orphan.


I hear refrigerators work well for that.

But, whatever, their love is true, and so they hold hands and ASPLODE. If you think I’m making that last part up, you can go read this abomination for yourself.

Let’s have a moment of silence for the only vaguely interesting characters in the book. It’s all Teabagger Barbie and Ken from now on.


Chapter 44

Molly is now angry at Noah because he’s so vain that he probably thinks this terrorist plot is about him. He tempts her with domestic complacency in the Kinkaid painting of her dreams, but she is having none of it. She is Plucky and has Seen the Truth and is determined to get turned into a radioactive little pile of ash or be worked to death in a FEMA gulag, I’m not quite sure which.

He, conversely, is not so keen on the idea, so he gets out of the car, just as a bunch of dudes with guns show up. But before they can drag him off to the FEMA gulag, the plot makes its presence known with a GIGANTIC MUSHROOM CLOUD.


Surprise!

Molly fries, Noah fries, the guys with guns fry, the Founders Keepers who were memorizing the quotes assemble into a gigantic Mecha Founding Father that tramples New York, Hollis adopts Mr. Bigglesworth, and everyone lives happily ever after, the end.

(Okay, that last paragraph doesn’t happen, but you can’t blame me for wanting it to.)

Overton Window: Chapter 45-The Bitter End

You guys you guys guess what you guys! I have FINISHED THE AWFUL BOOK. You should respond with champagne and ice cream or some such.

Chapter 45

Noah is so badass that he doesn’t even get a tan from the GIGANTIC NUCLEAR BLAST. Instead, he gets waterboarded. It’s pointless to torture Noah—it’s not like he hides information. He’s pretty much answered honestly whenever anyone, regardless of whose side they’re on, has asked him a question. If they really wanted to torture him, why not just give him this book? Also, the description of the limo they took after Teabagger Night at the redneck bar was more detailed than the torture scene. I’m not saying that I want gore, but I expect a bit more creativity than “they worked him over.” Degloving comes to mind.

Then they (we are never told who “they” are) put some surveillance domes on the ceiling—I guess they stick them up with that tack putty you use to put up posters in your college dorm—and in saunters Arthur.


Chapter 46

Arthur is all: “YOU HAVE FAILED ME SON!” Noah is kind of “mrfle?” on account of being waterboarded and almost blown up by a nuclear bomb. Mostly, Arthur seems to be upset that there was premature ejaculation detonation and no one got pictures. Really? I know it was the Nevada desert and everything, but mushroom clouds being pretty large and visible, I’m surprised that some tourist didn't pick up a cell, snap a quick bit of video, and upload it to YouTube.

But hey, at least the teabaggers have still been framed! I mean, at least four out of the five militia guys were actually teabaggers, so it’s not really a frame, strictly speaking, but I’ve given up on any sort of narrative consistency here. Arthur is all, “Yay! Suspension of elections!” except that he doesn’t really care because all government is the same. He gives a Hannibal Lecture in which he attributes “the ends justify the means” to Saul Alinsky, and blathers on about ruling the sheeple.

Then he does the whole “Join me and together we will rule the galaxy as father and son!” But first, he needs to make sure that Noah hasn’t caught any sort of teabagger STD. This involves electrodes. Maybe I’ll get my torture porn fix after all.


Chapter 47

ZZZZZAP!

“Noah, you suck.”

ZZZZAAAAP!

Most boring description of ECT ever. It turns out that Noah doesn’t have much of a brain to wash, so Arthur tells his guys to kill him and make him look heroic.

But then Noah recites that stupid Kipling poem, and Arthur’s all, “YAY YOU REMEMBERED!” So Noah gets to live and rebuild the world, or something, although he’s planning to betray his father so maybe not so much.

I think Arthur needs some help here, seeing that his strategies for destroying the world and rebuilding it from the ashes rely too heavily on rednecks, outdated nuclear technology, and a son who keeps changing sides every 30 seconds. I can offer a plan that includes giant frickin’ lasers mounted on the heads of sharks, a zeppelin fleet, and a comprehensive healthcare package. What do you think, Arthur?


Pictured: A better plan than yours.


OH GOD THIS BOOK IS FINALLY OVER

The FEMA gulag might have once been a prison, but now it has the cheery atmosphere of a college dorm. Noah’s sentence is to write about the teabaggers and their terrorist plot for the news. He’s retconned into being an unwilling hostage. His writing comes off as Tom Clancy fanfic, though, so they punish him by giving him an editor. This says a lot about Beck’s writing process.

There’s a new bureau in charge of overseeing a new round of bailouts (why do they need a new bureau for that), so Noah is supposed to come up with a name. He calls it Federal Resource Allocation & Underwriting Division. No one is bright enough to notice until the letterhead gets printed, and Beck doesn’t think his readers are bright enough to get it either, so he explains the “joke.”

Then Noah goes to sleep and dreams about living in the Kinkaid cottage with Molly. Awww. Too bad she’s a little pile of radioactive ash. It’s probably a good thing, though. I mean, can you imagine the pillow talk with those two? “Oooh, baby! It’s time for some trickle-down economics!" "Tell me about your four-point tax code!” “Is that a concealed firearm in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

But wait! He is woken by the guy with the food tray. Who is secretly a teabagger and wants Noah to quit dicking around and make himself useful by engaging in some little spy games.

Anyway, on the menu is meatloaf:



And for dessert, Molly’s bracelet. Noah takes this to mean that she’s alive. I take this to mean that someone took it off her charred and blackened arm just to fuck what's left of Noah's ECT- and drug-addled brain, but no one ever accused me of a surplus of optimism.

They vow to take up the fight against the Evil Jew Muslim Lizard Commie Banker Overlords—tomorrow. Crap, this means that there’s going to be a sequel. People, if even after having read these posts, you’re still hankering to read the book, please help humanity by not taking it out from the library or, God forbid, by buying it. I will give you the PDF if you want, but I like you guys and do not want you to suffer.


ANOTHER ROUND OF AUTHOR’S NOTES

There are now multiple authors, which we’d speculated about but is now confirmed by talk of “our book.” Either that, or Beck has started using the royal “we.” The book is a flight simulator to train you for your war against the Evil Jew Muslim Lizard Commie Banker Overlords! The story is loaded with truth! And also fiction! It’s faction! Facts can be easily manipulated, so don’t trust them!

If a passage or a statement in the book intrigued you but isn’t specifically mentioned here, take a minute and type some key words into your favorite search engine.

Beck’s favourite search engine is Webcrawler.

The book ends with several pages of author’s notes detailing various conspiracies. His references include Tom Clancy and Paladin Press.

So! I hope you’ve enjoyed the ride in inverse proportion to how torturous this was for me! Remember, for added protection against mind-probing beams, use extra layers of tinfoil, and while SPF-50 won’t protect you from a nuclear bomb in real life, it will reduce your risk of skin cancer when applied properly.

Thanks for reading, everyone.

* But I do totally want gore.