My head a-splode

[sabotabby]

You can, if you are a total masochist, read the first five chapters of Empire on the internets for free. No, not Negri's Empire (but if you want to read that, click here); Orson Scott Card's Empire. It reads like a mash-up of Tom Clancy and WingnutDaily, and it's irrefutable evidence that OSC (who wrote some fabulous books before the alien mind control beams got to him), has utterly and totally lost it.

Sadly, No! has been doing a good job parodying it this week, but they missed out on my favourite passage so far. The evil leftist professor is mocking our hero, Reuban Malich, because Malich is in the army. At least, we're supposed to think the guy is an evil leftist, because everyone in the class is an evil leftist, but Professor Torrent (he's a communist who downloads movies off the internet?) is apparently just taking Malich's views to their logical conclusion—and secretly wants to prevent the gayIslamofascistcommie takeover of the U.S. Witness OSC's exclusive look into the modern American university classroom:

"That's why there is no comparison between America and Rome," said Torrent. "Our empire can't fall because we aren't an empire. We have never passed from our republican stage to our imperial one. Right now we buy and sell and, occasionally, bully our way into other countries, but when they thumb their noses at us, we treat them as if they had a right, as if there were some equivalence between our nation and their puny weakness. Can you imagine what Rome would have done if an 'ally' treated them the way France and Germany have been treating the United States?"

The class laughed.

Reuben Malich did not laugh. "The fact that we don't act like Rome is one of the best things about America," he said.

"So isn't it ironic," said Torrent, "that we are vilified as if we were like Rome, precisely because we aren't? While if we did act like Rome, then they'd treat us with the respect we deserve?"

"My head a-splode," said one of the wittier students, and everyone laughed again.

I cannot wait to see where he takes this.

EDIT: The summary doesn't make sense, either:

The war of words between Right and Left has collapsed into a shooting war, though most people just want to be left alone.

...

And which side will you be on?