Oh my God, it's Freeper fanfic!
Feb. 6th, 2007 08:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabotabbyYou know, I was having a productive night. I did all my Wobbly work for the evening and I was going to settle in, review Perdido Street Station, and maybe write a bit on my own novel, and then ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rohmie, bad influence that he is, linked me to this and insisted I read it. Because he is evil.
As my eyes skimmed over it initially, I noticed two things that the author, Chairman_December_19th_Society (a very Maoist sounding name if you ask me), seems to be unaware of:
1. Star Trek is socialist propaganda (except Enterprise, which shouldn't count as Star Trek anyway.)
2. Basic spelling and grammar.
Without further ado, I present one of the worst fanfics ever written,
Good morning!!
We, here, will never forget those who died on Septembet 11, 2001, as we seek to protect the Republic from all who will do her harm!!
Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with Star Trek, and, for that matter, with anything else in the story. Just keep in mind that the mating call of the Freepers is "Never forget September 11!" The phrase serves other purposes, the most common of which is to distract the reader when the Freeper is about to make a particularly cracked-out statement. Like this fic!
Captain's Log--Stardate Three Zero Four Seven Point Two
I never got how stardates were supposed to work. Does anyone actually know?
The Enterprise is on a routine mission back through time to see how the 21st century is handling affairs threatening civilization itself and how mankind managed to survive the turmoil.
No, no, no. As often as they wound up on 20th century Earth, the Enterprise did not make routine trips through time. Besides, they could just look in a book to see what happened.
Science officer Spock and I have beemed
WHAT
down to the planet, in a location called New York in a attempt to learn more...
New York still exists in the 23rd century. And New Orleans still exists in the 24th century. So there.
Spock, where are we?
On Free Republic.
Captain, by the looks of things, we are just outside of something called the United Nations building. For the life of me, I don't understand why you humans persist in naming organizations for things other than they are; it's most illogical.
Why would you say that?
To suggest that the nations of the world were in any way united in this time period is to point out a serious lapse in reason and sanity.
Because the United Federation of Planets is—never mind.
Precisely why we are here, Mr. Spock.
Captain--take a look at this paper. It's mentioning about Mr. Gore and his quest for the solution to global warming.
I thought Freepers didn't believe in global warming.
It's a good thing no one took him seriously, he would have destroyed the planet.
WHAT
Absolutely, Captain. People in the 21st century simply didn't have the technical knowledge about climatology we have today. They couldn't even get the next day's forcast right all the time. I believe the error rate was one in seventeen.
As you know, Bob, the author is not intellectually capable of challenging scientific consensus on global warming. When Star Trek authors can't explain a scientific concept, they tend to resort to technobabble. Example:
"Absolutely, Captain. Gore couldn't have known, based on primitive 21st century technology, that in order to reverse catastrophic climate change, all they needed to do was reverse the inertial dampers and use a positronic beam to replicate a layer of verteron particles in the planet's stratosphere. This will reset global weather patterns to where they were before the advent of the Industrial Revolution."
See, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Well, we have a job to do, let's get on with it.
Kirk wouldn't say that. He'd be scouting for babes or checking out Spock's ass, depending on what sort of fic it was.
Captain, over here.
What is it, Spock?
This paper, it has two headlines. Most interesting.
This is interesting, because it suggests that a) Freepers never pick up a physical newspaper because they get their news from the internet or from talk radio, and b) Freepers never see newspapers, because they literally never leave their parents' basements.
Why is that?
See above.
Well, the first headline shows Mr. Gore being nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize--that was, Captain, supposedly the instrument to encourage the people of the world to pursue peaceful aims rather than arming countries and destroying humanity--with the award for his work in pointing out the dangers of global warming.
This is where I point out that a certain Mr. Bush was also nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
What about the other headline?
Ah, the one where this lady named Hillery...
It took me awhile to figure out who "Hillery" was.
Didn't she become the first woman President of the United States?
Freeper Rule #46: Hillary Clinton is going to be President, even if no one votes for her.
Yes, you're quite right Captain. She was also the person with the shortest Administration ever.
If I understand my history right, Spock, she was impeached and convicted within three weeks of assuming office.
A record currently held by William "I died in thirty days!" Henry Harrison. See, I bet you thought I'd never make a Simpsons reference on my LJ.
You're probably wondering what "Hillery" did to get herself impeached (and so quickly; apparently, the wheels of justice have sped up some.) Spock will enlighten us:
Yes, Captain, quite correct. It seems that her first official act was withdrawing American forces from a country called Iraq. Upon the announcement, January 21, 2009, if I recall your planet's history correctly, armed elements of a group calling itself Al Qa'eda attacked this place destroying the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, and something called Yankee Stadium. They also assaulted places in the capital of this country. All that took place on January 25, 2009. Seems the American Congress didn't buy her explanation that it was all just a misunderstanding.
Heh.
Spock, how is it that a race as intelligent as this one seems to be--after all, they put men into space and have gone to the deepest parts of the ocean, and are well on their way to harnessing the power of the computer--elect such a woman as that? Surely they could see the disaster coming.
Sir, I would like to suggest that the population of the time seemed to be more focused on saving their villages rather than their country. They were hooked into voting for someone who history has shown was cupable in the murder of Vince Foster, and cannot even keep track of the billing records of her own law firm.
I thought they had a job to do! And here they are talking about how "cupable" Hillary is.
Well, then, Mr. Spock, what do you suppose our chances of finding intelligent life are on this planet at this time.
I really have not had the chance to validate all the permutations, Captain, but I would estimate the odds at being approximately four hundred thirteen million, two hundred sixty-four thousand, three hundred and six to one.
I wonder how he's calculating those odds. Freepers + Lizardoids + Dittoheads : Total global population of 7 billion? Or is he just pulling numbers out of his ass? I leave it to you, dear reader, to decide.
Four hundred thirteen million to one?
Four hundred thirteen million, two hundred sixty-four thousand, three hundred and six to one.
Four hundred thir.... I see. [Kirk flips open communicator] Kirk to Enterprise. Scotty?
Aye, Captain.
Scotty, two to beem up. There is no intelligent life on the planet in this time period. Prepare to warp out of orbit and go back to our time period.
Oh, don't despair. They may vote Democrat, but they know how to spell "beam." By the way, it's been awhile since I watched Star Trek, but wouldn't "warping out of orbit" destroy the planet?
For AMERICA - The Right Way, I remain yours in the Cause, the Chairman.
*salutes*
I guess I should be grateful, given the type of fiction that conservatives tend to write, that at least this story didn't end with someone schtupping a box turtle.
That was awful. Have some robots.
rohmie, bad influence that he is, linked me to this and insisted I read it. Because he is evil.As my eyes skimmed over it initially, I noticed two things that the author, Chairman_December_19th_Society (a very Maoist sounding name if you ask me), seems to be unaware of:
1. Star Trek is socialist propaganda (except Enterprise, which shouldn't count as Star Trek anyway.)
2. Basic spelling and grammar.
Without further ado, I present one of the worst fanfics ever written,
Good morning!!
We, here, will never forget those who died on Septembet 11, 2001, as we seek to protect the Republic from all who will do her harm!!
Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with Star Trek, and, for that matter, with anything else in the story. Just keep in mind that the mating call of the Freepers is "Never forget September 11!" The phrase serves other purposes, the most common of which is to distract the reader when the Freeper is about to make a particularly cracked-out statement. Like this fic!
Captain's Log--Stardate Three Zero Four Seven Point Two
I never got how stardates were supposed to work. Does anyone actually know?
The Enterprise is on a routine mission back through time to see how the 21st century is handling affairs threatening civilization itself and how mankind managed to survive the turmoil.
No, no, no. As often as they wound up on 20th century Earth, the Enterprise did not make routine trips through time. Besides, they could just look in a book to see what happened.
Science officer Spock and I have beemed
WHAT
down to the planet, in a location called New York in a attempt to learn more...
New York still exists in the 23rd century. And New Orleans still exists in the 24th century. So there.
Spock, where are we?
On Free Republic.
Captain, by the looks of things, we are just outside of something called the United Nations building. For the life of me, I don't understand why you humans persist in naming organizations for things other than they are; it's most illogical.
Why would you say that?
To suggest that the nations of the world were in any way united in this time period is to point out a serious lapse in reason and sanity.
Because the United Federation of Planets is—never mind.
Precisely why we are here, Mr. Spock.
Captain--take a look at this paper. It's mentioning about Mr. Gore and his quest for the solution to global warming.
I thought Freepers didn't believe in global warming.
It's a good thing no one took him seriously, he would have destroyed the planet.
WHAT
Absolutely, Captain. People in the 21st century simply didn't have the technical knowledge about climatology we have today. They couldn't even get the next day's forcast right all the time. I believe the error rate was one in seventeen.
As you know, Bob, the author is not intellectually capable of challenging scientific consensus on global warming. When Star Trek authors can't explain a scientific concept, they tend to resort to technobabble. Example:
"Absolutely, Captain. Gore couldn't have known, based on primitive 21st century technology, that in order to reverse catastrophic climate change, all they needed to do was reverse the inertial dampers and use a positronic beam to replicate a layer of verteron particles in the planet's stratosphere. This will reset global weather patterns to where they were before the advent of the Industrial Revolution."
See, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Well, we have a job to do, let's get on with it.
Kirk wouldn't say that. He'd be scouting for babes or checking out Spock's ass, depending on what sort of fic it was.
Captain, over here.
What is it, Spock?
This paper, it has two headlines. Most interesting.
This is interesting, because it suggests that a) Freepers never pick up a physical newspaper because they get their news from the internet or from talk radio, and b) Freepers never see newspapers, because they literally never leave their parents' basements.
Why is that?
See above.
Well, the first headline shows Mr. Gore being nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize--that was, Captain, supposedly the instrument to encourage the people of the world to pursue peaceful aims rather than arming countries and destroying humanity--with the award for his work in pointing out the dangers of global warming.
This is where I point out that a certain Mr. Bush was also nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
What about the other headline?
Ah, the one where this lady named Hillery...
It took me awhile to figure out who "Hillery" was.
Didn't she become the first woman President of the United States?
Freeper Rule #46: Hillary Clinton is going to be President, even if no one votes for her.
Yes, you're quite right Captain. She was also the person with the shortest Administration ever.
If I understand my history right, Spock, she was impeached and convicted within three weeks of assuming office.
A record currently held by William "I died in thirty days!" Henry Harrison. See, I bet you thought I'd never make a Simpsons reference on my LJ.
You're probably wondering what "Hillery" did to get herself impeached (and so quickly; apparently, the wheels of justice have sped up some.) Spock will enlighten us:
Yes, Captain, quite correct. It seems that her first official act was withdrawing American forces from a country called Iraq. Upon the announcement, January 21, 2009, if I recall your planet's history correctly, armed elements of a group calling itself Al Qa'eda attacked this place destroying the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, and something called Yankee Stadium. They also assaulted places in the capital of this country. All that took place on January 25, 2009. Seems the American Congress didn't buy her explanation that it was all just a misunderstanding.
Heh.
Spock, how is it that a race as intelligent as this one seems to be--after all, they put men into space and have gone to the deepest parts of the ocean, and are well on their way to harnessing the power of the computer--elect such a woman as that? Surely they could see the disaster coming.
Sir, I would like to suggest that the population of the time seemed to be more focused on saving their villages rather than their country. They were hooked into voting for someone who history has shown was cupable in the murder of Vince Foster, and cannot even keep track of the billing records of her own law firm.
I thought they had a job to do! And here they are talking about how "cupable" Hillary is.
Well, then, Mr. Spock, what do you suppose our chances of finding intelligent life are on this planet at this time.
I really have not had the chance to validate all the permutations, Captain, but I would estimate the odds at being approximately four hundred thirteen million, two hundred sixty-four thousand, three hundred and six to one.
I wonder how he's calculating those odds. Freepers + Lizardoids + Dittoheads : Total global population of 7 billion? Or is he just pulling numbers out of his ass? I leave it to you, dear reader, to decide.
Four hundred thirteen million to one?
Four hundred thirteen million, two hundred sixty-four thousand, three hundred and six to one.
Four hundred thir.... I see. [Kirk flips open communicator] Kirk to Enterprise. Scotty?
Aye, Captain.
Scotty, two to beem up. There is no intelligent life on the planet in this time period. Prepare to warp out of orbit and go back to our time period.
Oh, don't despair. They may vote Democrat, but they know how to spell "beam." By the way, it's been awhile since I watched Star Trek, but wouldn't "warping out of orbit" destroy the planet?
For AMERICA - The Right Way, I remain yours in the Cause, the Chairman.
*salutes*
I guess I should be grateful, given the type of fiction that conservatives tend to write, that at least this story didn't end with someone schtupping a box turtle.
That was awful. Have some robots.
