Cojones

[sabotabby]

As a second-year undergrad, I spent a considerable amount of time apartment-hunting. One of the many places I investigated was a shitty hovel at Spadina and Dupont. It was a basement, and too small for me and my then-prospective roommate, but there was a painting on the wall that gave me pause. It was a white canvas covered with black writing. In even, block letters, it read: "I want to be William S. Burroughs. I want to be Tom Waits. I want to be Hunter S. Thompson. I want to be Ernest Hemingway. I want to be Jack Kerouac." And so on. I was far more interested in the painting, and the sentiment, than in the apartment itself. It seemed to sum up the totality of my 20-year-old existence.

Only later did it occur to me that all of the people to which I, and the unknown artist, aspired to be were male, and nearly all white, and, furthermore, suggested a certain type of masculinity. Kind of odd, as I've always identified as female, and more towards the femme end of the spectrum if I have to pick an end. But much of what I admire—of course, very much influenced by a patriarchal culture—is considered traditionally masculine. I like to wear dresses, but preferably paired with Docs. I'm a teacher, but I teach tech, dammit. I clean up well, but I can't be arsed to wax and pluck and worry about makeup. Tools are rad. I like sci-fi. I don't watch what I eat when I'm on a date. I only read women's magazines to rail about the sexist stereotypes in them. I like action movies and not romantic comedies. I'm a beer woman on a champagne budget.*

This isn't self-hate, or anti-feminism. Well, I mean, part of it is that I consider myself a Serious Person, and the things that our culture marks as Serious are male things. (Action movies are just as silly as romantic comedies, but one is marginally more respectable. It is fine to be obsessed with sports, but not with shopping.) Part of it is that I went through a phase of liking certain literature from an era where women were not free to have adventures, a phase I was only cured of upon reading the autobiography of Kerouac's neglected daughter. But I think quite a bit of it is that the skills and interests coded as masculine tend to be practical and public, while those coded as feminism (cooking and crafting aside, and cooking can be coded as masculine) tend to be private and time-consuming without a lot of pay-off.

That brings me to dimethirwen's awesome post about Esquire articles about things men should know, and how there ought to be a list of things people should know. I grew up watching a lot of Bond movies (don't ask) and was left with the lingering sense that it's important to be a great shot, bluff in poker, and know your drinks. And wire your own lights, which I can do and Bond never did to my knowledge.

I think I'm rambling a bit, but what I take from the articles dimethirwen linked to, and the painting that caught my eye a decade ago, is that my relationship with independent and rebellious masculinity is, well, slightly complicated. I mean, I identify with and write these hyper-masculine characters (male and female; everyone's a badass), but cojones are not the only marker of strength. I suppose my ideal of both masculinity and femininity ends in the same place—to paraphrase a macho revolutionary, to "endure without ever losing tenderness."

Which is to say that we should all probably know how to wield a hammer and also to hem pants, but Esquire is still bloody ridiculous. Skinning an animal? I doubt your average Esquire reader is capable enough to get off his couch and buy a burger from a supermarket.

Anyway. What traits or skills of traditional masculinity or traditional femininity would your enlightened, progressive self like to see preserved?

* Richard Brautigan being yet another icon of rebellious masculinity.

Comments

[radiumhead.livejournal.com]

I dont know. Im in a big city. Ny.

A lot of the things on that list, male or female, most people I know either dont have a need to do it, or theyd just pay someone else to.

[lienne.livejournal.com]

Everyone should know how to BAKE A PIE.

Because it is so easy and so delicious.

Actually, in general, everyone should know how to cook. And clean (all the things). And do laundry. Self-sufficiency: it's what's for breakfast.

[rohmie.livejournal.com]

Self-sufficiency: it's what's for breakfast.

This.

[radiumhead.livejournal.com]

I cant do most of the things on that list, but if any guy fucks with me, i can kick the shit out of him. Thats really the only essential skill for a guy.

[ironed_orchid]

Everyone should know how to cook for themselves, how to sew on a button, and how to assemble Ikea furniture using only the allen key provided with the flat pack.


Everything else is pretty optional.

[corwin77.livejournal.com]

I know how to do all those things. Though my buttons usually fall of pretty quick so I can't say I know how to do them well.

[akisawana.livejournal.com]

Knitting! And not just knitting and purling, but doing all the math. Knitting has a lot of math. Anyone who says girls can't do math clearly never tried to knit a sweater.

[ironed_orchid]

I like this comment.

And doing the math when you can't get gauge, but are determined to use that yarn for that project anyhow.

[tormenta.livejournal.com]

Also like. I am an engineer girl and I am intimidated by yarn gauge math, and in awe of my friends what do it.

[corwin77.livejournal.com]

Where you were raised on Bond I was raised on Sam Beckett on Quantum Leap. So I think every man should be honourable, smart, polite, and be able to do an awesome spin kick.

[corwin77.livejournal.com]

Also having read the list I cannot do half those things. I guess I am not a Real Man. My fater has been right all these years. Also as for identifying male I'd say I identify with many so called female aspects. I like art and music and poetry, I hate sports, I love shopping especially for clothes and shoes, I can't hunt, or clean fish, or find my way out of the woods with both hands and a gps, in fact I hate camping. My idea of relaxing centers more around a hot bath and a good book than a beer and some football. I guess I fail at man.

[marnanel.livejournal.com]

Gender. It's a load of bollocks really.

[corwin77.livejournal.com]

I do identify 'male' in a lot of ways too. I like horror and action movies, I eat almost exclusively meat, I can fight, I like women and their boobies. Still my father would prefer I could talk football with him.

[marnanel.livejournal.com]

I could make a list, but most people who make such lists usually mostly put things in them that they can do. And there's not that many generally-useful things I actually know how to do. (I don't know how to bake a pie, or knit, or kick the shit out of someone, or sew on a button, or assemble Ikea furniture.) I know how to do many specialised things, but as Heinlein said, specialisation is for insects. (That said, one of my more useless specialisations is actually on his canonical list.)

[ironed_orchid]

Also, I pretty much agree with you about identifying with rebellious masculine figures, but I get the impression that Tom Waits is at least a little bit aware of the conflicting issues with being attracted to that sort of masculine image. At least, more so than the others you list.

[springheel-jack.livejournal.com]

use a slide rule

[kadath.livejournal.com]

I got myself a slide rule on eBay and took it to my cousin's wedding, where my father the 60-something electrical engineer, my uncle the 60-something electrical engineering professor, and a bunch of his friends were in attendance. Despite all having learned, none of them could remember how to use it.

[springheel-jack.livejournal.com]

I don't know either, though I do have one. They used to make you take a class on it if you went to engineering school.

[kadath.livejournal.com]

I want a copy of Asimov's slide rule book, but not enough to actually remember the fact until just now.

[chickenfeet2003.livejournal.com]

I have a slide rule and can use it.

[bike4fish.livejournal.com]

Hear! Hear!

Someone skilled with a slide rule can give you a (usually accurate enough) answer to any problem involving addition, multiplication, division, and exponentiation (assuming one has a decent slide rule) in a fraction of the time someone with a calculator can.

[kadath.livejournal.com]

Empathy. The rest is details.

[lokilokust.livejournal.com]

like.

[ginny-t.livejournal.com]

OH. Well done.

[rohmie.livejournal.com]

Compassion and logic. By allocating one trait to each gender, society creates a populace that is often neither because most won't study or hone what they assume they do naturally and such people are not apt to do what they have been told is someone else's job.

[springheel-jack.livejournal.com]

Didn't esquire say that by the age of 30 one should have had sex four thousand times? To be a real (straight) man?

I always thought this whole identity-lists thing was some kind of fetish.

[unemployia.livejournal.com]

witchcraft, how to do all those things (on the male list) but in a way that doesn't oppress others and is healthy and balanced, like actually raise a happy child and steal stuff and hitchhike and explore the world and kick everyones ass and be william burroughs and explore evetything and be a collective and do everything and your daughter grow up and be beautiful and no man oppress you.

to me the most exciting things are female. they are complicated and communicative.

(I can't make sense anymore because I been home alone all day and too much on the computer and writing) but thats my list.

[springheel-jack.livejournal.com]

Hah, there was a soccer joke on there. Damn! I'm still not a man! They told me I had to have a sport, and I picked the gay one!

[springheel-jack.livejournal.com]

make an omelet

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

I grew up on Bond as well and Star Trek and Star Wars...

What does it say about me that I always wanted to be James Bond, but look like a Bond Girl?

*shame*

[troubleinchina.livejournal.com]

Hmm.

Chop wood, build a fire, cook stuff, bake stuff, quote Star Wars at appropriate times.

[bike4fish.livejournal.com]

And here I thought all the tree cutting was a reference to the Lumberjack Song.

[bike4fish.livejournal.com]

Much of what you need to do is situational.

1. Figure out a bus/train/metro map/schedule (for city dwellers)
2. Know how to hail a taxi (I'll admit, I'm not good at this. Fortunately, whenever I've needed a taxi, I've been with a woman who was.)
3. Know how to keep a level head in an emergency.
3.5 Know how to calm others in an emergency.
4. Stop bleeding. Heck, CPR is good, too.
5. Know the croaky chorus from the "Frogs", by Aristophanes, as well as what this requirement refers to.
6. Be able to read a map.
7. Be able to intervene in a situation to keep someone out of danger.

Otherwise, I have to go with Heinlein.

[chickenfeet2003.livejournal.com]

Heh! I know a Mauser rifle from a javelin and can use either.

[chickenfeet2003.livejournal.com]

1. Throw and catch a ball without looking like a wuss

2. Bottle feed a kitten

3. Tie a bow tie

[ironed_orchid]

I was a girl playing Yoda. Luckily for me and my peers, there was a boy in my street who was always Leia, so the question of whether I should be Leia never really came up.

I love your take on Leia and Vader.

[rohmie.livejournal.com]

When I was a kid, I used to play Star Wars with kids in my neighborhood

That was the problem: You should have played Aliens.

[treehavn.livejournal.com]

I don't watch what I eat when I'm on a date.

I've never got that - beyond perhaps not ordering the most expensive thing on the menu if you are going Dutch. It's like women allegedly being uncomfortable ordering pints of beer or enjoying real ales - although apparently this trend is changing.

Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer.

Since they felt that merited a point, I'm guessing all Esquire readers are tossers? I gave up on the list at that point, but I'm betting that 'Learn how to talk to a woman without gazing at her chest' is somewhere further down?

[sadie-sabot.livejournal.com]

-know how to make a decent soup without going shopping
-change a diaper and soothe a baby
-operate a firearm

[revolution-grrl.livejournal.com]

This is really interesting. There's too much suggestion right now for me to think of whom I would list, without influence from what you've written here, but I'll have to try to quiet myself later and think about it. I wonder what I'll come up with.

[florence-craye.livejournal.com]

feminine things:
not just sew on a button (without it falling off), but sew on a patch and know some basic stitches so you can fix basic things like hem pants or put things back together

take care of people (or animals or plants) when they're sick

take care of your house by yourself and make it a beautiful place

be supportive of others, be supportive of yourself (just nurture other creatures in the world, I guess)

for masculine things, I suppose I think it's things like: be able to fix some basic plumbing and car stuff, household repairs, and where to hit people when you're in a fight.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Indiana Jones, minus the kissing. I always pretended to be Indiana Jones.

[shelestel.livejournal.com]

I think the reason action movies and football are viewed less critically* than shopping and rom. comedies is very simple: women are generally more accepting of other people's, well, otherness.**

______
* Whether this is at all an interesting social phenomenon to consider remains unclear. I don't think a proper materialist would care: the markets are roughly equivalent in the amount of capital in them.
** And you're no exception.

[rohmie.livejournal.com]

Well, I mean, part of it is that I consider myself a Serious Person, and the things that our culture marks as Serious are male things.

Yup. I'm always annoyed when someone says feminism is not about making women more like men. In many ways, it is. "Different voice feminism" is often an oxymoron and a lot of pop-pych nonsense, such as "Men are afraid of commitment." All sane, independent people are cautious about commitment. It's called being serious and responsible with everyone's feelings. And being a rebel is healthy for everybody.