Against positive thinking

[sabotabby]

Being sick or incapacitated is an affront to contemporary Western civilization, dependent as it is on the myth of individualism, personal responsibility, and human progress. If you're sick, able-bodied, healthy people resent you. They may not say so out loud, but there's a dividing line, and any complaint or serious discussion of your illness will be perceived as an assault on their moral order.

Here's the thing. I'm facing health problems. That's a euphemistic way of putting it. The reality is that I am in severe pain at almost every moment of my existence. I do not sleep. I can barely eat. My pain scale, as I've said before, has become so radically readjusted that what would normally have me calling in sick to work doesn't even blip on my radar. The definition of a "good day" for me has changed so that it's no longer defined as a day where not I'm crying or screaming in agony (that's every day), but a day when the paramedics are called but I do not, in the end, need to be brought to a hospital.

My prognosis is not very good. A full recovery remains a possibility, but it is one of several possibilities, and not necessarily the most likely one. Many of the possibilities are not what I would consider compatible with my continued existence. At any rate, it's very possible that I will be sick and in pain for the rest of my life. It still remains a possibility that I may die.

I have confronted these possibilities. My kitchen floor is messed up and my front porch is strewn with possessions that I consider extraneous and offensive because I just confronted these possibilities in an incredibly visceral rage-filled sort of way. I have plans. I have plans for three weeks to live. I have plans for six months to live. I have plans for a long period of convalescence. I have plans for a life where I am condemned to continue to suffer (they are the same plans as if I have three weeks to live). As the person with a 2-3 cm tumour tunnelling into her spinal column, surrounded by the barest whisper of bone that could give way with the wrong twist or shove on a subway, I am forced, every since second of both my waking and sleeping life, to make these plans, to consider these possibilities. And yes, I have EVERY RIGHT IN THE WORLD to complain about how this is unfair and I hurt and I'm angry about it. (Angry doesn't begin to cover it. There aren't any words that quite cover the feeling of intensely wanting to punch the entire cosmos into submission until it stops moving.) But anyway. I'm acknowledging that these are Things That Can Happen. Maybe not in a healthy way, but I'm hearing them and incorporating them into my consciousness.

People in my life—present company excluded; I like LiveJournal because it's the last place on the internet where one is permitted to whine and complain—will not fucking accept this. My Facebook is full of positive comments. "So glad to hear it's probably not cancer. <3 <3 <3! :) :) :)" "You'll be back on your feet in no time." "Like!" Work is even worse. You can't say anything negative in a school. Pretty soon they'll be sending people to re-education camps for being downers. You must always smile and walk in lock-step with the goddamned Happiness Patrol. Any sign of negativity is being a "quitter," "giving up," "letting the disease win."

Maybe looking on the bright side is nice for some people. Maybe it's even comforting. If I did that, though, I'd have been even more crushed by today's news (or lack thereof) than I was going in expecting to hear bad things. While what I heard was worse than what I'd estimated, it was better than what I imagined was possible. That ability to imagine bad outcomes, and what one will do should that bad thing come to pass, is unpleasant but necessary, and I believe superior to walking around believing that the universe is somehow benevolent and will reward you for smiling brightly at it.

But positivity is mandated. I'm the one suffering, but I am obligated—commanded even—not to act like it, lest I endanger the worldview of the "everything happens for a reason" contingent. God forbid anyone be made to feel like things aren't happy all the time. Like sometimes cells mutate, and it's not because I've put magic mutating cell-vibes out to the universe or because I have bad karma but because it's a random thing that could happen to anyone. Even you.

When I was in high school, I read The Golden Bough and had a brief interest in reading anthropology books about the religious and spiritual beliefs of so-called primitive people. The idea that you could draw a bison being speared on a cave wall and it would magically happen in real life is an understandable logical leap if you don't understand anything about science. And it's not such an outdated belief, really. It's the kind of thinking that underlies The Secret, New Age cafeteria dogmas, and free market capitalism. The individual's responsibility is not to work in real-world terms for change with other, similarly-minded individuals. The individual's responsibility is to change himself first, by the power of magical positive thinking, and thus will be sending good vibes out into the universe and get good things trickling back down. It's the perfect type of thinking if you're cowering from a bear in a cave and are completely helpless in a world you don't understand, and it's the perfect type of ideology to enforce if you're trying to keep the unwashed masses under control.

Random illness, though, flies in the face of this ideology. You can search for some meaning in it, I guess, but in the end it comes down to some things just happening for no reason, and most things just not getting better, no matter how many stars you wish upon.

I'll end off this little rant with an animation that I've linked to before but continue to love. If you're one of the three people on the intertubes who hasn't watched it, check it out now. You should also totally read the book if you haven't already—among other things, Ehrenreich talks about how there's zero correlation between cancer survival rates and having an optimistic outlook. (In fact, the people who complain more frequently do better than those who don't. If I'd sucked up the pain, smiled, and hadn't complained, I wouldn't have gotten far enough to be considering treatment options at this point.)

Comments

[jenlight.livejournal.com]

This horrible anthropology class on "witchcraft and sorcery" is being taught by one of those new agey women from the 70s and her bestest friend is this guy who went to Niger and became a shaman.
So we had to read all this bullshit about people healing their cancer through visualization and I almost burnt down the entire city block out of rage.

I am one of those 3 people who haven't watched that RSA video. I'mma take a look see.

[sabotabby]

Watch the RSA video! You'll relate.

If anyone tells me to visualize my tumour I will kick the shit out of them, even if I snap my spine in doing so. It'll be worth it. I've actually seen what it looks like now so I can visualize it just fine.

This woman at work is always talking to me about natural healing and naturopaths and my God I get so homicidal.

[seaya.livejournal.com]

Anyone who believes in "The Secret" is an asshole by definition.

And speaking of naturopaths & so forth. I am so glad you never went to a chiro. One of those fuckers might have snapped your spine.

My workplace seems to be more understanding about chronic pain than yours. The librarian had a back surgery & the guy nicked a nerve that made her leg paralyzed. She complains about it sometimes & no one tells her not to. But maybe this is a cultural difference or something. When coworkers have a long illness we make meals for them & their family, we don't tell them not to complain.

[sabotabby]

I get a lot of, "Don't say that, you have to get better." As if I don't know a shitload of people with chronic pain who will never get better. Nothing has to happen.

I'm so glad I didn't listen to everyone who told me to go to a chiro. It's still possible that the fracture might have been caused by physio rather than by Maggie herself—not that it wouldn't have happened anyway, given her size and location, but a chiro might have made things astronomically worse.

[culpster.livejournal.com]

You are so not obliged to be happy in this situation.

I do hope the unhappiness empowers you to treat yourself as well as you can, because the world is treating you rather poorly right now. Just don't internalize the messages the world is sending you. You deserve better...and that includes the right to tell the 'up with people' contingent and the 'but you're supposed to be taking care of ME' contingent and the 'arbeit macht frei' contingent to fuck off when necessary. To their faces if you feel like it. Even when that face has taken up residence in your head.

You are well loved by us Sabotabby.

[sabotabby]

I feel like treating myself well often entails being harsh to other people. Outwardly directed rage is better than internalized anger and sadness, IMO. Not the most socially acceptable, but I figure my friends, at least, will understand.

[dobrovolets.livejournal.com]

One of the most offensive books I ever read was entitled "Man's Search for Meaning".

The author was a Holocaust survivor.

Put those two together....

Even more offensive, in retrospect, was that before I read it, it had been recommended to me by fellow lefties. The dialectic of history can be misunderstood as "everything happens for a reason." I prefer Walter Benjamin's angel of history, skidding backward in horror at the accumulating debris of catastrophe.

I will say, though, that there is a difference between engaging in magical thinking for oneself and urging it upon others who are the primary sufferers. I've been indulging in it since I first learned of your situation, not because I want you to put on an inane smile for me, but because I know there's a new job, several hundred miles, an international border and a passport that I stupidly allowed to expire standing between me and being able to have a meaningful interaction with you in person, or even to be present at a funeral. And for selfish reasons, I want things to go well enough for you that I can get all that straightened out and be of some practical use to you. But if the price of that is several months more of meaningless, pointless suffering, then no I don't want that. I want you to have a reasonable prognosis of something resembling recovery. And I am going to keep that foremost in my mind, not because I have any illusions that wishing for it will make it be, but because I am not ready to start grieving for you. Not yet.

[sabotabby]

I prefer Benjamin's vision as well. But then, I prefer Benjamin to most things.

See, I wasn't interpreting your comments as anything near like what I was complaining about. It's a world away. Hoping for a good outcome is not the same as insisting that there will be a good outcome and to suggest otherwise is akin to treason. Of course people want a good outcome—so do I!—it's when they insist that acknowledging less-than-good outcomes is a thought-crime that I get my rage on.

[funnel101.livejournal.com]

My dad used to make me listen to a song called "Positive" at least once each weekend I saw him. His theory was that if I only "thought positively", my JRA would magically go away. And when it didn't, I ended up feeling guilty or worthless.

In other, I completely agree with this post.

(On a different but related note, there's a movie called 50/50 you may find meaningful. "Enjoy" isn't the right word for this movie, but it's one of the best I've seen in a while and touches on themes you've mentioned in this post.)

[sabotabby]

I thought that might be triggering when I first saw ads for it, but now I think I might want to see it.

And when it didn't, I ended up feeling guilty or worthless.

Yes. This. It's what they're setting one up for. Illness cannot be wished away.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

I've noticed the inappropriate cheefullness on FB, too. I've tried to not offer it.

I hope for the best outcome, though. A world without you would be a smaller, sadder, and far less outraged place.

And, yes, you have every right in the world to complain about this. This suck big nasty icky rocks.

[sabotabby]

Yeah. Some of those people I deeply love, but I can't handle it now. I want people to be as realistic as I am. Hope is great, but detachment from reality, not so much.

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

But positivity is mandated. I'm the one suffering, but I am obligated—commanded even—not to act like it, lest I endanger the worldview of the "everything happens for a reason" contingent.

Until, of course, you go to the doctor and s/he decides you're not suffering enough and withholds care until you put on a suitable performance.

(Um, I fail completely at making sympathetic or empathetic noises that don't make people want to punch me in the face, and I'm too far away to offer any practical help, but you've been in my and suburbannoir's thoughts a lot. THIS IS AWKWARD, LET'S MOVE ON.)

[sabotabby]

Until, of course, you go to the doctor and s/he decides you're not suffering enough and withholds care until you put on a suitable performance.

Oh, I had that too. Were it not for Dr. Commie, who was not my usual doctor, they'd probably have kept ignoring me. Generally speaking they tell me it's stress and linked to my depression.

[monster-grrrl.livejournal.com]

Some of my internet friends and I have a saying: Fucking shit fucking sucks.

Be however you are. I will still love you, and likely so will everyone else worth being loved by.

[sabotabby]

Fucking shit fucking sucks.

I may have screamed that while smashing things up today.

[montreality.livejournal.com]

Goddammit. I don't understand why people just won't leave you alone without pestering you with platitudes. Some people can be really socially awkward and it might be their misguided way of helping- really so that they can feel good (like that coworker who won't shut up about natural healing). Statements like "I cannot begin to even imagine what you're going through, but let me know what I can do to help" are way less offensive than offering shitty advice.

"That ability to imagine bad outcomes, and what one will do should that bad thing come to pass, is unpleasant but necessary, and I believe superior to walking around believing that the universe is somehow benevolent and will reward you for smiling brightly at it."

Yes!! Walking with your head in the clouds, all-clear-skies-and-sunshine is not being optimistic, it's being in denial. It is possible to imagine, and prepare oneself for the worst case scenarios, yet try to hold on to some hope. They're not contradictory.

I'm extremely angry that life has dealt you a shitty hand lately, and that you have to deal with idiots on top of it. I hope you're telling them (with a sweet smile) to mind their own business. If this isn't the time to be impatient with bullcrap, I don't know when is.

[sabotabby]

I've been getting way less sweet about it. Platitudes make other people feel like they have some control over life and death, and that bad things won't happen to them. As one of the afflicted, I feel no need to comfort anyone else.

[springheel-jack.livejournal.com]

Well, that sucks.

[sabotabby]

Yep.

[dominika-kretek.livejournal.com]

Fuck those people. "Oh, if you don't complain, it will mean you're not in pain, which means I won't have to be in pain either!" Fuck that.

But, we all know, alas, the truth, which is that if you complain too much to the wrong people, you get kicked out of society. Thanks guys! We don't feel guilty or skittish about complaining for no reason, after all.

That people can't distinguish between suboptimal but realistic assessments of a situation and negative feelings makes me livid, but it's probably worse for them, since they'll be unable to cope with life's real difficulties when they come up. As they surely will.

I dunno; to me, from what you've said and what I've read, it sounds like preparing for an outcome that isn't, shall we say, exactly the same as before, is exceedingly rational. (And worst-case scenarios are still on the table.) After all, shit doesn't get done all by itself, and there remains shit to do. Pain, too, is a cruel mistress, and not to be underestimated. If she wants someone on their knees, she will have them. That's something "Positive Thinking!!! :):):)" idiots don't understand. (P.S. Them doctors better be giving you some hardcore narcotics or some shit, if they're going to make you wait until fucking June.) So naturally you have to focus all your energy on getting your practical ducks in a row before running the gantlet of treatment. That makes perfect sense. And if you have to complain and rant and swear flecks of spittle into people's faces in order to do it, then that's what you have to do. There's a war on!

Well, okay, now that I got that out of my system--the real point is that the things that have to get done have to get done. If being cheery is what helps someone get things done, then bully for them. I personally find anger, duty, pride, and as a last resort, fear to be more galvanizing, and more resistant to persevering through bad outcomes. Maybe other people are overwhelmed by those feelings. Who knows? But pain is still pain and as Ehrenreich says, it's cruel to pretend otherwise.

[sabotabby]

This. So much this.

Them doctors better be giving you some hardcore narcotics or some shit, if they're going to make you wait until fucking June.)

Hahahaha

hahaha

haha

*sob*

They did give me morphine. But. Part of my job involves power tools and young children, many of whom are special needs students. So I can not be in as much pain, but not be able to do my job, or I can be in pain, and do my job. Not both.

The not-sleeping is actually worse than the pain. I begged for more sleeping pills—the anti-depressant they gave me to reduce pain at night just doesn't work. They gave me like five because they were worried I'd get addicted. Obviously, yes, I am addicted to sleeping pills, and have been for over a year, but it's much better to be able to function than to not be an addict.

Accordingly, I am self-medicating.

[beam-oflight.livejournal.com]

People who are insistant on telling you to cheer up or that it will all be ok, drive me crazy, and I can imagine you even more so! People are completly within their rights to be pissed off or upset when things go to shit. On a similar note to the positive thinking BS my aunt believes in Reiki - no idea what is up with that, she is an educated woman, I do not understand! Also CBT was all positive thinking will solve all your depression, I'm pretty skeptical about that, but maybe that's just my negative thinking ruining my life :P

Thank you for introducing me to the RSA videos btw, you've linked a bunch of them over time, and they're really awesome!

[sabotabby]

They are pretty great. The Zizek one is another one of my favourites. (Oh man, I have two icons that are relevant—which one to use?)

I love that my shrink totally agreed with me. "Yeah, who wouldn't be angry? Tell everyone else to shut up." Hah.

[pofflewomp.livejournal.com]

Your writing is wonderful. I have always found new-agey "spiritual" positive thinking offensive and often malicious (my mother was telling me recently how many people in the early 80s actually shouted at her that she "deserved" to be a homeless single mother because she didn't chant enough positive mantras!), and have of course experienced first-hand the spite and anger of more mainstream people who despise anyone who is not happy, but I hadn't connected the two as part of a wider phenomenon. I read reviews of the book when it came out and as it seemed U.S.-centric and to state the obvious I ignored it, but now I think I might read it.

I am so so so sorry you are going through such hell and can only send a million hugs x x

[sabotabby]

I feel like New Age spirituality will be ultimately responsible for worse atrocities than any major organized religion. Even started a novel to that effect.

The book is pretty US-centric but it resonated with me in Soviet Socialist Canuckistan so still highly recommended.

[chickenfeet2003.livejournal.com]

[sabotabby]

Heh. Oh, I'm supposed to go to the dentist. They gave me a postcard. I'm like, uhhhh low on the priority list here.

[smhwpf.livejournal.com]

Aye to all this. If only "positive thinking" could make people better. If "positive vibes", if the power of loving thoughts, from your friends (of whatever nature) could make you better, you would be the healthiest person on earth. But it is not so.

They are Job's comforters who preach "positive thinking".

Which is not of course going to stop any of us hoping, praying, wishing, vibing, whatever, for the best outcome.

[sabotabby]

Which is not of course going to stop any of us hoping, praying, wishing, vibing, whatever, for the best outcome.

I'd never ask you to! I mean, I am. It's the aversion to negative possibilities, the refusal to grapple with them, that fills me with all the rage.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_ex_cowboy/]

i used to think and worry about death constantly, now i just think about it... too much but hopefully with a little more grace. you're a beautiful person and your ability to handle this with the characteristic heart, wit, and resolve i've known you for just confirms you're the person i always thought you were.

[sabotabby]

Aww thanks.

I am pretty morbid. I mean, I remember fantasizing about my funeral when I was a little kid. I guess that might make me more willing to acknowledge the bad possibilities here. But not just that.

[gethenian.livejournal.com]

"Everybody has forgotten that life doesn't play by the rules. Every once in a while the bitch just tries to kill you."
--Patrick McLean

[sabotabby]

This.

[sqrt-joy.livejournal.com]

God damn I hate The Secret. And Thursdays with Morrie.

If you could make things happen by wishing for them (or "positive thought" or whatever they call it) you and I would have given a lot more 90s and 100s than we have.

Honestly, I have been surprised at the lack of anger/rage you've expressed over all of this. You've been quiet "polite" online really (not that you need to be). As for work, well, everything you have said is spot on. Teachers seem to b notorious for that stuff.

[sabotabby]

I think today was just one of the bleakest days where I had nothing positive to report, and people on FB were being cheery. So I decided that it's time to stop being cheery. I have enough to deal with without having to be polite and coddle people's feelings.

Teachers seem to b notorious for that stuff.

Yeah. And it's failing students. I teach so many kids who are unable to evaluate their own abilities, time management, and so on, because of the "think positive and try hard and you'll do great" mantra they're fed from kindergarten.

[ginny-t.livejournal.com]

People who pull that "everything happens for a reason" bullshit deserve the smackdown that I hope they get. Grr!

I hadn't seen that video—thanks! (I can't help it, though: the "global economic meltdown" was in 2008. I deal with people who say inaccurate things all day every day; it has made me a stickler for accuracy.)

[sabotabby]

I am so in smackdown mode. I was prowling around the subway looking for a fight today. Scary drunk dudes were steering clear of me.

[symbioid.livejournal.com]

This hit me with so many feelings when I read it at work and I just wish I could muster all the things I had to say. I know I've said it before, but I adore the hell out of you and I am raging right along with you, and all I know is if I lived near you I'd hop over and hang a bit and just offer some help in whatever ways I could, an ear to listen, a hand for cooking something (if you were hungry, say... brownies, ahem).... just whatever. All I know is that I'm glad I got to know you via this little site, and am hoping that you've got more time to keep posting away. It makes me sad to ponder an LJ without you (to put it mildly).

When Rose first got sick years ago, she had a day of rage and took plates and cups outside to the back yard and smashed them on the little sidewalk strip beside the yard to get out all that anger and frustration at the universe. Reading your post made me think of that. I think it's an important thing to be able to do.

many many big hugs to you.

[sabotabby]

Smashing things is a seriously underrated means of catharsis. I only wish my mother hadn't thrown out so much of my stuff. Some things I was contemplating destroying could not be destroyed until I had replacements.

[firecat]

That's a wonderful video. And I totally agree about positive thinking.

[sabotabby]

Innit great?

I feel like people who disagree with me about positive thinking are now afraid to respond. :) As it should be.

[mendaciloquent.livejournal.com]

Positive thinking is infantile. It's what children do when then can't deal with reality. Which is fine, because they're children. But when you are an adult seeing another adult officially In The Shit, it is not remotely helpful to revert to childhood by pretending, for "their" sake, that everything is going to magically be okay. Other than the speaker, who the fuck does that ever help? Offer real help, if you can, and if you can't, the least you can do is get out of the fucking way and give people room to deal with their shit. The person suffering, after all, doesn't have the luxury of walking away from their situation after barfing up some pathologically useless advice.

[sabotabby]

Yes. I mean, one of the things that healthy people do to sick people is infantilize them, which I have precisely zero tolerance for. I respect Dr. Commie and my psychiatrist because neither of them remotely sugarcoated anything. It's amazing how certain people are of my outcomes despite having any sort of medical training.

And now I'm somehow expected to pretend that the better possibilities are the only likely ones. Which is fine to do with my actual children, but I refuse to do for adults.

[erikthedane.livejournal.com]

I had to go back and catch up on your entries. I'm sorry I haven't been a better LJ buddy lately.
You have stated perfectly what I have always felt: It is what it is.
What I am is angry. I'm angry this has happened to you. It's fucked up and it's wrong. Fuck the injustice of it all.

That said, I'm here if you need to vent.

[sabotabby]

Ah, I've been only a moderately decent correspondent on LJ and mostly hopeless everywhere else. Glad you're here in any capacity!

[poetic-pixie-13.livejournal.com]

You have every right to be angry and upset. You can rant, whine and complain all you fucking want. I can't tell you it will be OK, but I deeply hope it will be. I love you and I really hope people stop acting like little shits. If you have the spoons to tell them off, do. If you don't I'm sure there are plenty of people who will be happy to do it for you.

[sabotabby]

Apparently I have enough spoons left sometimes to tell people off! Go me. I should enlist an army of children to do it for me at work though. That'd be awesome.

[sabotabby]

FaceBook actually seems devoted to completely wiping out actual human interaction. It's like office-hallway cheeriness raised to a fucking art form.

Oh man. It is exactly that.

I realize a lot of otherwise good people with good qualities about them are into positive thinking. I try to ignore it most of the time, but when I'm in this dark a place, I just can't.