Missing

[sabotabby]

Marinetti is missing and in all likelihood dead.

Last night at around 12, I went to bed and he curled up beside me. This morning, when I woke up to give him his 8 am meds, he was gone. I've been searching the neighbourhood, putting up signs, calling Toronto Animal Services and the Humane Society, but there's no sign of him. He's never been farther than my backyard on a leash and under the porch once when he ran outside, so I doubt he even knows which house is his if he's wandered off.

It is, of course, my fault. I left the kitchen window above the sink open a crack. My arthritic, 14-year-old cat is, in theory, capable of jumping up on the counter, walking over to the sink, and squeezing through the gap in the window. chickenfeet2003 and lemur_catta, who were over all day helping me look for him, thought that it was highly improbable that he could get through there, but it was absolutely the only way out of the house (and definitely if he's in the house, he's dead. But he's not in the house.).

I failed the one creature that I love most in the world. I was supposed to keep him safe. He trusted me completely. And now he's gone, because I just wasn't careful enough.

It's morbid, but me being the person I am, I envisioned losing him, writing this final entry, in a number of ways. I imagined him getting so sick that I'd have no choice but to put him down. I imagined waking up and finding him dead (in fact, the older and sicker he got, the more frequently I'd find him sleeping and check, my breath held, that he was breathing). I never thought that I'd lose him to a gigantic question mark, that he'd be out there, dying, alone, without me. I thought at least we'd have a goodbye.

I thought I was broken as much as a person could be broken, but apparently there are much greater depths of grief than I could ever envision.

Comments

[radiumhead.livejournal.com]

Ah fuck. Im sorry.

[50-ft-queenie.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry. I will keep hoping against hope that he turns up alive, and soon.

[springheel-jack.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

[springheel-jack.livejournal.com]

This is my worst nightmare. I can't even imagine.

[quietprofanity.livejournal.com]

I'm so, so sorry. :(

My aunt's cat ran away at an elderly age recently. I think Marinetti probably wanted it this way, although that probably doesn't make it any less painful for you. I hope you do find a body for your own closure, although I wouldn't blame yourself.

[smartasskicker.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. Take comfort in knowing you've been an amazing cat-mom to him.

[elsewhereangel.livejournal.com]

I'm holding out hope.

Please try not to blame yourself, you didn't have any reason to believe he would try to get out that way.

[agatharuncible.livejournal.com]

I'm so, so sorry. I know that feeling too well, so if you need to talk feel free to send me a message. In all fairness, I don't think it was really your fault. I know this sounds like those crappy, fail excuses that people make to make you feel better, but it's not. I wouldn't have imagined that he would have jumped out of that window either, and it sounds like you didn't, and like people who have been to your house in person also didn't.

Have you checked any weird spots like the top of high pieces of furniture, cupboards, etc.? I've thought my cats were inexplicably missing sometimes (and I live in a flat...) and they turned out to be hiding really well or deeply asleep somewhere. So maybe he's somewhere in the house, just not showing up -- even if he's dead, he may have hidden in a corner somewhere. Don't forget to put some cat food outside, too, maybe that will help him find his way back or show up if he's hidden outside somewhere. Could he have gotten underneath the house, if there's some space there?

If you've put out posters and continue to search and make calls, hopefully someone will know about him sooner or later. I think it'd be hard for your neighbours to not seem him at all.

Good luck bb, I hope he's safe. ♥

[umadoshi.livejournal.com]

;_; Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

[rohmie.livejournal.com]

[*hugs*]

You have expressed everything I felt everytime I have lost a cat.

[silmaril.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry.

[gansje.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry -- I really hope you find him soon. :(

[smhwpf.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry. :-( *hugs*

I know you can't help blaming yourself. But making one small mistake one time in all the years you've had him does not add up to "your fault", still less failing him or failing his trust, and it most certainly does not nullify the many years of love and care you have given him. You have been a fantastic mom to Marinetti. But you are human. As well say it's partly his fault for choosing to go out the window. He is only a cat, and did not realize that's a really bad idea. You are only human, and therefore don't remember to close every window every time in the thousands of nights you've had him.

Still hoping and praying for a happy ending.

*hugs*

[hano.livejournal.com]

sorry to hear this, crossing fingers and toes that he turns up

[funnel101.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* How long can Marinetti last without his meds? Until then, don't give up. I can say don't blame yourself because you couldn't have known, but in your shoes I wouldn't be able to stop blaming myself, either.

Oatmeal wasn't eating well when Sugar was around, so I made the decision to not bring her in that night. She was gone 4 months before I found her, and had been mistreated by the people who stole her. To this day, I still feel guilty about that decision.

But it wasn't my fault anymore than this situation with Marinetti is yours. If I had known, I wouldn't have left Sugar out that night. If you had known, you would have closed the window.

Still... *HUGS*

[rinue.livejournal.com]

My experience of cats is that they don't want to die in front of the person they love most. If it's possible for them to run away and die away from you, they'll do it. If they can wait until you're out of town and they can die with a pet sitter - ideally a pet sitter they dislike - they'll do it. It's a weird sign of respect, as far as I can tell. Not that it makes it easier if Marinetti is gone. But it suggests to me that you didn't mess up, so much as that you were loved and an opportunity presented itself.

[whatifoundthere.livejournal.com]

This is my experience too. They know, they really do.

[joxn.livejournal.com]

Yes, we saw this happen with Dante when he was extremely sick -- he would go hide somewhere (deep under the king-size bed was a favorite) and refuse to come out. He really didn't want to be around anyone when he was so sick he could have died. They really do know, and they really "want" to be away from us.

Lots of love from me. I'm so sorry.

[flummoxicated.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry.

[ironed_orchid]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is the worst feeling.

My suspicion is that he is somewhere close, but has hidden in a garage or crawlspace, and (if alive) is too weak to respond to your voice.

[ivytheadventure.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, I am so, so sorry.

[yes-justice.livejournal.com]

I'm am so sorry sabotabby. Please don't blame yourself. We all love you. :=( Woe.

[carose59.livejournal.com]

This is so not your fault. Cats do things, things we never expect them to do; it's one of the things that makes them cats.

I suggest waiting until it's very late/early morning and going out to call for him again. Talk softly, maybe even don't really call, just talk or sing quietly. Meg's an indoor/outdoor cat, and when he doesn't want to come in, I do this and he comes to me just because he wants to be with me. It being late at night, there should be fewer distractions, and cats do tend to be nocturnal.

Good luck, and please don't beat yourself up over this. You don't deserve it.

[franklanguage.livejournal.com]

This. Be easy on yourself.

[lienne.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. *hugs you so much*

[fluffworld.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry to hear this. :( I hope Marinetti turns up and if not can only echo what a lot of people here said; sometimes cats just seem to know what's coming and vanish when then end comes.

[coconuthead.livejournal.com]

Everybody here is right...but let me add my voice to the chorus that is sorry to hear this sad news and hopes that M is ok.

[nellorat.livejournal.com]

Condolences--but I actually do have hope. Years ago, our cat Courageous was lost for quite a while and we got her home fine. She was briefly sighted a few times by neighbors, but even that took a few days. Especially if he's not used to the outside, your cat may be hiding out somewhere.

And if not, you have to be kinder to yourself. I actually did cause the death of one of my beloved rats--which no matter what, you did not, because in this situation you can't ignore the agency of your cat. I expressed an abscess in his cheek, which I had done before with only healthful consequences, and he aspirated the pus and died. The end. Completely my fault.

But you know, whether it's pets, or other loved ones, or ourselves, we only do the best we can, by definition. If we didn't mean any harm, and we learn from the experience, we just have to go forward.

*hugs*

[frelling-tralk.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry

[cucumberseed.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[icedrake.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*
Sadly this is all the help I can offer.

[mistersmearcase.livejournal.com]

(Sorry I missed this. I saw brief mention of it on fb I think but my sister was in town.)