American Sniper: Pt. 2
Feb. 8th, 2015 03:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabotabbyPreviously on American Sniper, nothing fucking happened. Okay, that's not fair. Our hero shot a woman and a kid, and since that's the opposite of what heroes are generally supposed to do in Hollywood movies, you have to give Eastwood points for originality.
A point.
Okay. Half a point.
This is where things get fun, though, with a new addition to the THE LEGEND family.
Back at base, THE LEGEND and Grunt #12 debate the difference between a comic and a graphic novel. (This will be relevant later so pay attention.) Grunt #12 assures THE LEGEND that it’s okay that the first people THE LEGEND has ever killed are a woman and a child. The entire movie, in fact, is other characters assuring THE LEGEND that it’s okay to kill people and that he is awesome.
THE LEGEND for some reason pictured invading another country wouldn’t involve killing a little kid, so he is a bit disappointed that this was his first kill. I mean, if it had been his third, that’d be fine; at that point it’s just notches in your gun, I guess. But the first? That’s really tragic. For him, not the child. It’s a scientific fact that Iraqi children don’t feel pain.
All of the Marines shoot this one guy driving a car. The car blows up. Our hero is never incorrect about things that are about to blow up.
Then he aims at a guy praying. But no! The guy is not in fact praying. He has a grenade. THE LEGEND shoots him.
Then there’s a jihadi with a gun. That’s a no-brainer. Get it? Because THE LEGEND blew his brains out.
Anyway, everyone is super-impressed with THE LEGEND and tells him that he’s awesome again.
Meet the mysterious profile of Bad Guy Mustafa. It’s really too dark to see the action, but he shoots some people through a thing or something while the call to prayer is all ominous, because you should be scared of Muslims.
Bad Guy Mustafa: Oh sweet! I get my own soundtrack.
Clint Eastwood: I am highly concerned that audiences won't know that this film is set in Iraq, which is somewhere in the Middle East, even though the title cards keep reminding us. What if they think it's downtown Detroit with a desaturation filter?
Tom Stern [cinematographer]: We could fly back to Morocco and take some establishing shots.
Eastwood: Nah. Let's just throw in some stock footage and hope no one notices.
This is Marc Lee, but I didn’t know his name until I checked IMDb. That’s how mumbly the dialogue is and how little development any of the characters get. I just refer to him as Mustache in my notes. He shows up to ask THE LEGEND how many people THE LEGEND has killed and affirms that THE LEGEND is awesome and has killed the most people.
THE LEGEND is upset because even though he killed the most people, Bad Guy Mustafa managed to kill one American soldier. Mustache assures him that he is awesome and tried his best.
The only people remotely upset with THE LEGEND are his superior officers. Apparently some lying Iraqi lady who doesn't know that America is liberating her from burqas complained that THE LEGEND shot her husband, who was carrying a Koran. THE LEGEND awww shucks’s that he don’t know what no KAH-RAWN looks like but he knows a AK-47 looks like, and that’s what the dead guy was carrying.
The superior officers are impressed. Told you they wouldn’t fry him for shooting a kid!
Meanwhile, THE LEGEND’s fellow soldiers think he’s awesome and clap for him and tell him that he’s awesome. And actually call him THE LEGEND.
There’s also some homophobia because these are manly men and in no way gay.
MRS THE LEGEND is pregnant, revealed through a phone call while THE LEGEND is on the roof sniping.
Merrick: So he’s out in the field and he’s on the phone?
Taya insists on giving him shit for being away and leaving her all alone to set up the crib, alone, even though he is SAVING AMERICA. Women, right?
Ginger: How does he get cell reception in Fallujah? They don’t even have sewers.
Merrick: She’s bad for morale
THE LEGEND just knows that the fetus is a boy. Dude, she’s like a million months pregnant; I think they’d know at this point. Meanwhile she is watching military deaths on TV. She freaks out and tells THE LEGEND to call his dad. We all assumed that it’s because his little brother has been deployed and is dead, but it turns out he’s just headed to Iraq as well. It’s a very confusing scene and shouldn’t he be sniping as opposed to talking on the phone? How many minutes does he even get on his plan?
If you like this scene, I have good news for you. There are about five more exactly like it to come.
A thrilling briefing scene during which some very sketchy connections are drawn between a beheading, Osama Bin Laden, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Al Qaeda, Iraq, and random mercenaries that it’s best just to ignore. The point is that the Marines must now go door-to-door like Jehovah’s Witnesses, except instead of bringing you the Watchtower, they’re here to beat you up and break your shit.
Moustache tells THE LEGEND that he’s great. If THE LEGEND goes five minutes without being told he’s great, he loses all of his powers.
THE LEGEND is as bored of the rooftop sniper scenes as I am, so he decides to abandon his dirty coward of a partner on the roof (but not before delivering a BOOM HEADSHOT to the gentleman’s self-esteem) and go door-to-door with the Marines. The Marines tell him that he’s awesome and the Best. Sniper. Ever.
The Marines heroically beat down a door and point guns at some old man and a little kid.
Ginger: I like how even the kid still calls him “sir.”
Sabs: It’s a wonder they didn’t win all the hearts and minds. All of them.
The old man is totally cooperative but they still punch him out and throw him around. THE LEGEND gets all shouty. The point of all this exciting violence is there is a guy named THE BUTCHER who is Zarqawi’s right hand man, and if they find THE BUTCHER, they find Zarqawi. (Spoiler: They do not, nor is Zarqawi ever mentioned again.) THE BUTCHER is a bad guy who uses a drill to butcher. The old man wants $100,000 for his armless wife in exchange for information. This plot is completely pointless since the entire family dies two scenes from now.
Merrick: Chris Kyle is so awesome that he just knocks down one door and finds a wealth of information.
We get some exposition about Mustache, who is not as awesome as THE LEGEND and who is definitely going to die. He went to seminary school but dropped out due to gambling. Also, did you remember that THE BUTCHER uses a drill to butcher? In case you forgot during the cut between this scene and the last scene, Random Grunt #85 and #86 are here to remind you of that. A drill! How evil! Mustache mentions again that THE LEGEND is awesome and a legend.
THE LEGEND is on the phone with Taya, again, despite being in the back of a military vehicle in Fallujah. THE LEGEND, JR. is in fact a boy.
Sabs: JFC my phone doesn’t even get reception in Scarborough.
But the phone call is interrupted due to being in a war zone. Man, I hate dropped calls, don’t you? I should never have gone with Wind. Anyway, Random Grunts #30–63 die or something. I lost track. Taya cries a lot and screams but none of the extras even react. I guess that’s normal.
THE BUTCHER kills the informant’s kid with a power drill, then some of his guys shoot the informant. I suppose this is supposed to come off as horrifyingly evil and stuff but it’s just so laughably over-the-top that it failed to elicit an emotional reaction in any of us. Not to mention that our hero has already killed one little kid—albeit not with a power drill—and this one would also be alive if it weren’t for him. THE LEGEND can’t do anything about the drill thing because he is being menaced by a large dog, therefore it isn’t his fault. Meanwhile, Bad Guy Mustafa snipes some guys.
Merrick: Isn’t it convenient that all the Al Qaeda guys are wearing black?
THE LEGEND screams “FUCK YOOOOOOU!” at the fleeing THE BUTCHER and Bad Guy Mustafa.
Then they get shut down for bucking orders or something. I dunno what’s going on and it’s not important because this is Tour 1 of four tours, so obviously it doesn’t stick.
SO MANLY!
Okay time for shore leave and a lovely reunion wherein two bland people make out, blandly. There is some spectacular dialogue that rivals Attack of the Clones for its eloquence, along the lines of:
Taya: Your hands feel different.
THE LEGEND: Well shucks ma’am, they’re mah fuckin’ hands. Shucks.
She tells him that he’s awesome.
Ginger: Barefoot and pregnant!
Merrick: She just came out of a kitchen too.
Basically a whole bunch of domestic shit happens. They go for an ultrasound. I’d take a screen shot but the very idea of pregnancy disgusts me and there’s a really gross close-up of a distended abdomen that squicked me way more than the drill scene. Anyway, the ultrasound technician tries to be sympathetic but THE LEGEND is not having any of it, as manly men do not talk about their emotions. He has high blood pressure, though. Such thrilling dramatic revelations, I tell you.
MRS THE LEGEND has now achieved her final form, which is joyless fun-suck wet blanket shrewish sitcom wife. She gives him shit because he never talks about his feelings. THE LEGEND rants and rants about how there is a war on and people are dying and no one cares because cell phones and ends up ranting so hard that the baby pops out.
“Congratulations, ma’am! It’s a healthy baby plastic.”
The plastic baby is crying (see, they did fix it in post!) and it’s Christmas, but THE LEGEND don’t give a fuck. He’s just watching Bad Guy Mustafa’s home videos of tragically dead ‘MURRCAN soldiers, which they show on American TV for some reason.
MRS THE LEGEND is horribly jealous of Bad Guy Mustafa. We get dialogue like:
MRS THE LEGEND: Was it him? WAS IT HIM ON THE PHONE?
THE LEGEND: They’re all savages.
MRS THE LEGEND: It’s not about them. It’s about us. You have to make it back to us!
Thankfully, Term 2: Electric Boogaloo happens, sparing us from having to watch even more really dull domestic strife. These people don’t even seem to like each other. Why did they get married again?
THE LEGEND’s beard is even more beardly. The beard gets more development than any of the characters.
THE LEGEND engages in a no-homo hug with his brother who seems really nervous and not enjoying all the killing, but takes a few moments to remind THE LEGEND that he is awesome and his hero and a legend.
The brother is all, “fuck this place.” He has to say it twice because THE LEGEND cannot imagine why anyone would hate being in Iraq. Given what we’ve seen of his home life, I guess it’s not all that surprising.
Anyway, THE LEGEND is now the most wanted man in Iraq and there’s $180,000 on his head. His main task now is to hunt down THE BUTCHER and, quote, “put the fear of God into these savages.”
Mustache and THE LEGEND have some male bonding before heading out to hunt THE BUTCHER. Mustache asks if the Bible THE LEGEND is bulletproof and exposits he never reads it. There’s also some talk of electric fences that I guess is supposed to be poetic but really isn’t. The main point is that Mustache is losing faith in the mission and is sounding dangerously atheistic.
This is heresy. THE LEGEND asks if Mustache wants the terrorists to come to San Diego or New York.
Sabs: You’d think that would make right-wing rednecks happy!
Merrick: But San Diego is where the SEALS are based.
Sabs: Oh right. Also ComicCon.
Ginger: Mustafa don’t surf.
The Marines break into a family’s house and point guns at some more small children. Then they interrogate the whole family about THE BUTCHER, who is across the street, I guess, and invite themselves over for a sleepover. They’re also complete idiots who take their helmets off and stand by a window. In all of this dialogue, a guy named Biggles (who I think is the same as the one who was making a distinction between comics and graphic novels earlier) and Mustache have an important discussion about how awesome THE LEGEND is.
The one good Iraqi whose house they’ve invaded invites all the Marines for dinner, which is awfully generous given what these guys did to his kids. But then THE LEGEND notices he has scuffed elbows, meaning that he is secretly an EVIL TERRORIST and THE LEGEND was correct to beat and point guns at his kids.
Sabs: Is that Bad Guy Mustafa?
Ginger: You don’t recognize him?
Sabs: Eh. They all look the same.
Ginger: He must be hiding something under those rugs.
Sabs: Is it WMDs?
(Spoiler: It’s guns. So he’s obviously evil. It’s not like any Americans keep guns in the house.)
They raid the house across the street after some scintillating narration and find severed body parts. Just in case you weren’t convinced that the Iraqis are all savages and killing them is justified because they keep people’s heads in their pantries!
To be fair to the production team, who are otherwise catching a lot of flack from me today, the severed head looks a lot better than the baby does.
There’s a lot of military tactical-type stuff that looks like it was fun to shoot and edit but is not very fun to watch. The battle scenes and explosions are the best part of the movie, I guess, but that’s setting a very low bar. It still looks like a not-that-great video game.
Anyway, blah blah, THE LEGEND manages to take out THE BUTCHER in a big explosion, but then he’s magically unexploded because who needs continuity when you could have a mob of scary AY-RABS advancing on our heroes?
Oh, and Bad Guy Mustafa is hanging around but can’t get a clear shot so that was very suspenseful.
Merrick: It’s a GRAPHIC NOVEL!
(Best. Brick joke. Ever.)
Stay tuned for:
1. Another shore leave.
2. Another plastic baby that's even more plastic.
3. The death of almost every named character in the movie.
Today's quote is:
A point.
Okay. Half a point.
This is where things get fun, though, with a new addition to the THE LEGEND family.
Back at base, THE LEGEND and Grunt #12 debate the difference between a comic and a graphic novel. (This will be relevant later so pay attention.) Grunt #12 assures THE LEGEND that it’s okay that the first people THE LEGEND has ever killed are a woman and a child. The entire movie, in fact, is other characters assuring THE LEGEND that it’s okay to kill people and that he is awesome.
THE LEGEND for some reason pictured invading another country wouldn’t involve killing a little kid, so he is a bit disappointed that this was his first kill. I mean, if it had been his third, that’d be fine; at that point it’s just notches in your gun, I guess. But the first? That’s really tragic. For him, not the child. It’s a scientific fact that Iraqi children don’t feel pain.
All of the Marines shoot this one guy driving a car. The car blows up. Our hero is never incorrect about things that are about to blow up.
Then he aims at a guy praying. But no! The guy is not in fact praying. He has a grenade. THE LEGEND shoots him.
Then there’s a jihadi with a gun. That’s a no-brainer. Get it? Because THE LEGEND blew his brains out.
Anyway, everyone is super-impressed with THE LEGEND and tells him that he’s awesome again.
Meet the mysterious profile of Bad Guy Mustafa. It’s really too dark to see the action, but he shoots some people through a thing or something while the call to prayer is all ominous, because you should be scared of Muslims.
Bad Guy Mustafa: Oh sweet! I get my own soundtrack.
Clint Eastwood: I am highly concerned that audiences won't know that this film is set in Iraq, which is somewhere in the Middle East, even though the title cards keep reminding us. What if they think it's downtown Detroit with a desaturation filter?
Tom Stern [cinematographer]: We could fly back to Morocco and take some establishing shots.
Eastwood: Nah. Let's just throw in some stock footage and hope no one notices.
This is Marc Lee, but I didn’t know his name until I checked IMDb. That’s how mumbly the dialogue is and how little development any of the characters get. I just refer to him as Mustache in my notes. He shows up to ask THE LEGEND how many people THE LEGEND has killed and affirms that THE LEGEND is awesome and has killed the most people.
THE LEGEND is upset because even though he killed the most people, Bad Guy Mustafa managed to kill one American soldier. Mustache assures him that he is awesome and tried his best.
The only people remotely upset with THE LEGEND are his superior officers. Apparently some lying Iraqi lady who doesn't know that America is liberating her from burqas complained that THE LEGEND shot her husband, who was carrying a Koran. THE LEGEND awww shucks’s that he don’t know what no KAH-RAWN looks like but he knows a AK-47 looks like, and that’s what the dead guy was carrying.
The superior officers are impressed. Told you they wouldn’t fry him for shooting a kid!
Meanwhile, THE LEGEND’s fellow soldiers think he’s awesome and clap for him and tell him that he’s awesome. And actually call him THE LEGEND.
There’s also some homophobia because these are manly men and in no way gay.
MRS THE LEGEND is pregnant, revealed through a phone call while THE LEGEND is on the roof sniping.
Merrick: So he’s out in the field and he’s on the phone?
Taya insists on giving him shit for being away and leaving her all alone to set up the crib, alone, even though he is SAVING AMERICA. Women, right?
Ginger: How does he get cell reception in Fallujah? They don’t even have sewers.
Merrick: She’s bad for morale
THE LEGEND just knows that the fetus is a boy. Dude, she’s like a million months pregnant; I think they’d know at this point. Meanwhile she is watching military deaths on TV. She freaks out and tells THE LEGEND to call his dad. We all assumed that it’s because his little brother has been deployed and is dead, but it turns out he’s just headed to Iraq as well. It’s a very confusing scene and shouldn’t he be sniping as opposed to talking on the phone? How many minutes does he even get on his plan?
If you like this scene, I have good news for you. There are about five more exactly like it to come.
A thrilling briefing scene during which some very sketchy connections are drawn between a beheading, Osama Bin Laden, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Al Qaeda, Iraq, and random mercenaries that it’s best just to ignore. The point is that the Marines must now go door-to-door like Jehovah’s Witnesses, except instead of bringing you the Watchtower, they’re here to beat you up and break your shit.
Moustache tells THE LEGEND that he’s great. If THE LEGEND goes five minutes without being told he’s great, he loses all of his powers.
THE LEGEND is as bored of the rooftop sniper scenes as I am, so he decides to abandon his dirty coward of a partner on the roof (but not before delivering a BOOM HEADSHOT to the gentleman’s self-esteem) and go door-to-door with the Marines. The Marines tell him that he’s awesome and the Best. Sniper. Ever.
The Marines heroically beat down a door and point guns at some old man and a little kid.
Ginger: I like how even the kid still calls him “sir.”
Sabs: It’s a wonder they didn’t win all the hearts and minds. All of them.
The old man is totally cooperative but they still punch him out and throw him around. THE LEGEND gets all shouty. The point of all this exciting violence is there is a guy named THE BUTCHER who is Zarqawi’s right hand man, and if they find THE BUTCHER, they find Zarqawi. (Spoiler: They do not, nor is Zarqawi ever mentioned again.) THE BUTCHER is a bad guy who uses a drill to butcher. The old man wants $100,000 for his armless wife in exchange for information. This plot is completely pointless since the entire family dies two scenes from now.
Merrick: Chris Kyle is so awesome that he just knocks down one door and finds a wealth of information.
We get some exposition about Mustache, who is not as awesome as THE LEGEND and who is definitely going to die. He went to seminary school but dropped out due to gambling. Also, did you remember that THE BUTCHER uses a drill to butcher? In case you forgot during the cut between this scene and the last scene, Random Grunt #85 and #86 are here to remind you of that. A drill! How evil! Mustache mentions again that THE LEGEND is awesome and a legend.
THE LEGEND is on the phone with Taya, again, despite being in the back of a military vehicle in Fallujah. THE LEGEND, JR. is in fact a boy.
Sabs: JFC my phone doesn’t even get reception in Scarborough.
But the phone call is interrupted due to being in a war zone. Man, I hate dropped calls, don’t you? I should never have gone with Wind. Anyway, Random Grunts #30–63 die or something. I lost track. Taya cries a lot and screams but none of the extras even react. I guess that’s normal.
THE BUTCHER kills the informant’s kid with a power drill, then some of his guys shoot the informant. I suppose this is supposed to come off as horrifyingly evil and stuff but it’s just so laughably over-the-top that it failed to elicit an emotional reaction in any of us. Not to mention that our hero has already killed one little kid—albeit not with a power drill—and this one would also be alive if it weren’t for him. THE LEGEND can’t do anything about the drill thing because he is being menaced by a large dog, therefore it isn’t his fault. Meanwhile, Bad Guy Mustafa snipes some guys.
Merrick: Isn’t it convenient that all the Al Qaeda guys are wearing black?
THE LEGEND screams “FUCK YOOOOOOU!” at the fleeing THE BUTCHER and Bad Guy Mustafa.
Then they get shut down for bucking orders or something. I dunno what’s going on and it’s not important because this is Tour 1 of four tours, so obviously it doesn’t stick.
SO MANLY!
Okay time for shore leave and a lovely reunion wherein two bland people make out, blandly. There is some spectacular dialogue that rivals Attack of the Clones for its eloquence, along the lines of:
Taya: Your hands feel different.
THE LEGEND: Well shucks ma’am, they’re mah fuckin’ hands. Shucks.
She tells him that he’s awesome.
Ginger: Barefoot and pregnant!
Merrick: She just came out of a kitchen too.
Basically a whole bunch of domestic shit happens. They go for an ultrasound. I’d take a screen shot but the very idea of pregnancy disgusts me and there’s a really gross close-up of a distended abdomen that squicked me way more than the drill scene. Anyway, the ultrasound technician tries to be sympathetic but THE LEGEND is not having any of it, as manly men do not talk about their emotions. He has high blood pressure, though. Such thrilling dramatic revelations, I tell you.
MRS THE LEGEND has now achieved her final form, which is joyless fun-suck wet blanket shrewish sitcom wife. She gives him shit because he never talks about his feelings. THE LEGEND rants and rants about how there is a war on and people are dying and no one cares because cell phones and ends up ranting so hard that the baby pops out.
“Congratulations, ma’am! It’s a healthy baby plastic.”
The plastic baby is crying (see, they did fix it in post!) and it’s Christmas, but THE LEGEND don’t give a fuck. He’s just watching Bad Guy Mustafa’s home videos of tragically dead ‘MURRCAN soldiers, which they show on American TV for some reason.
MRS THE LEGEND is horribly jealous of Bad Guy Mustafa. We get dialogue like:
MRS THE LEGEND: Was it him? WAS IT HIM ON THE PHONE?
THE LEGEND: They’re all savages.
MRS THE LEGEND: It’s not about them. It’s about us. You have to make it back to us!
Thankfully, Term 2: Electric Boogaloo happens, sparing us from having to watch even more really dull domestic strife. These people don’t even seem to like each other. Why did they get married again?
THE LEGEND’s beard is even more beardly. The beard gets more development than any of the characters.
THE LEGEND engages in a no-homo hug with his brother who seems really nervous and not enjoying all the killing, but takes a few moments to remind THE LEGEND that he is awesome and his hero and a legend.
The brother is all, “fuck this place.” He has to say it twice because THE LEGEND cannot imagine why anyone would hate being in Iraq. Given what we’ve seen of his home life, I guess it’s not all that surprising.
Anyway, THE LEGEND is now the most wanted man in Iraq and there’s $180,000 on his head. His main task now is to hunt down THE BUTCHER and, quote, “put the fear of God into these savages.”
Mustache and THE LEGEND have some male bonding before heading out to hunt THE BUTCHER. Mustache asks if the Bible THE LEGEND is bulletproof and exposits he never reads it. There’s also some talk of electric fences that I guess is supposed to be poetic but really isn’t. The main point is that Mustache is losing faith in the mission and is sounding dangerously atheistic.
This is heresy. THE LEGEND asks if Mustache wants the terrorists to come to San Diego or New York.
Sabs: You’d think that would make right-wing rednecks happy!
Merrick: But San Diego is where the SEALS are based.
Sabs: Oh right. Also ComicCon.
Ginger: Mustafa don’t surf.
The Marines break into a family’s house and point guns at some more small children. Then they interrogate the whole family about THE BUTCHER, who is across the street, I guess, and invite themselves over for a sleepover. They’re also complete idiots who take their helmets off and stand by a window. In all of this dialogue, a guy named Biggles (who I think is the same as the one who was making a distinction between comics and graphic novels earlier) and Mustache have an important discussion about how awesome THE LEGEND is.
The one good Iraqi whose house they’ve invaded invites all the Marines for dinner, which is awfully generous given what these guys did to his kids. But then THE LEGEND notices he has scuffed elbows, meaning that he is secretly an EVIL TERRORIST and THE LEGEND was correct to beat and point guns at his kids.
Sabs: Is that Bad Guy Mustafa?
Ginger: You don’t recognize him?
Sabs: Eh. They all look the same.
Ginger: He must be hiding something under those rugs.
Sabs: Is it WMDs?
(Spoiler: It’s guns. So he’s obviously evil. It’s not like any Americans keep guns in the house.)
They raid the house across the street after some scintillating narration and find severed body parts. Just in case you weren’t convinced that the Iraqis are all savages and killing them is justified because they keep people’s heads in their pantries!
To be fair to the production team, who are otherwise catching a lot of flack from me today, the severed head looks a lot better than the baby does.
There’s a lot of military tactical-type stuff that looks like it was fun to shoot and edit but is not very fun to watch. The battle scenes and explosions are the best part of the movie, I guess, but that’s setting a very low bar. It still looks like a not-that-great video game.
Anyway, blah blah, THE LEGEND manages to take out THE BUTCHER in a big explosion, but then he’s magically unexploded because who needs continuity when you could have a mob of scary AY-RABS advancing on our heroes?
Oh, and Bad Guy Mustafa is hanging around but can’t get a clear shot so that was very suspenseful.
Merrick: It’s a GRAPHIC NOVEL!
(Best. Brick joke. Ever.)
Stay tuned for:
1. Another shore leave.
2. Another plastic baby that's even more plastic.
3. The death of almost every named character in the movie.
Today's quote is:
no subject
Date: 2015-02-08 10:10 pm (UTC)