sabotabby | A nuanced political analysis of goatfucking

I apologize, dear readers, for making you read yet another post about a far-right government official engaging in intercourse with a barnyard animal. Not because it's a gross subject—my inner puerile 8-year-old is snickering, "LOL goatfucker" on repeat right now—but because it's a story that contains references to torture and sexual violence, and if you're triggered by such discussions, you might want to nope out of this post. This said, I think it's important to understand that Stephen Lecce, Minister of Education for the Province of Ontario and current thorn in the side of the hardworking people who teach your children, fucked a goat, if you are going to make sense at all of our curious political moment.

Stephen Lecce fucked a goat. Here's the receipts. In these instances it's important to know the source, so if you're not from Toronto, allow me to explain who Kyle Ashley is.

When leftists say 1312 or ACAB, that's actually short for All Cops Are Bastards Except Kyle Ashley, and we leave out the last part because 1) it's too long to say all the time, and 2) he's not actually a cop anymore, because that's what happens to the good apples. This is why we generally trust Kyle Ashley and don't think he's lying about this story that we really do want to be true.

If you don't want to click, here's the gist:

Stephen Lecce was the fraternity president of Sigma Chi at Western University, as well as the university student council president.

While there, he engaged in brutal hazing rituals (perhaps learned from his time at St. Mike's, a private boys school known for its endemic physical and sexual abuse of students).

This included telling students to fuck a goat.

Generally, if you are in charge of hazing, you've been hazed yourself.

Therefore, it is quite likely that Stephen Lecce, current Minister of Education in Ontario, fucked a goat.

Okay, so after I read this and stopped laughing because I used to call Lisa Thompson, the previous Minister of Education, a goatfucker (because she managed a goat farm and her only educational experience was with kids), and what is it with Tories and fucking barnyard animals, I started to think about the ramifications. Will this story have legs? (Two, or four?) Who will replace him? (Mitas? Oosterhoff? Please let it be Oosterhoff please please please I wanna make that fetus cry.) Is it just coincidence that we've had two Tory goatfuckers as Education Minister in a row? Do they select Education Ministers based on their propensity for fucking farm critters? Or have all Tories fucked goats?

The latter seems more likely, and merits further examination. To understand why, we need to look at why Tories fuck goats (or pigs, in the UK) in the first place. It's not for reasons of pure sadism or sexual attraction—those are just a bonus. Like most things Tories do, it's for power.

A few weeks ago, I went by St. Mike's, where Lecce went to school. It was some kind of open house, so the families were all over the place. I asked my companions why anyone, knowing what we do about St. Mike's, would send their child there, let alone pay money for the privilege.

If you ask your average poor or middle class parent, unless they're deeply warped or abusive, whether they would like to send their child to a school where the child is likely to be tortured or raped, the parent would be appalled. Normal parents care about their kids and want to keep them safe. But for the rich, that's not the main priority. The main priority is power. So you send your kid to St. Mike's, he gets a hockey stick up the butt, but by senior year he's the one sticking hockey sticks up younger kids' butts. And more importantly, he's made the crucial connections for future success. The rich don't get rich because of merit or brains; they get rich because they have connections and inherited wealth. So the temporary danger is worth it for the ultimate financial and political gain.

Likewise, the rich fuck animals not because they have to, but because there are witnesses and evidence, and ultimately a network of rich people with blackmail material on other rich people. That's what got David Cameron; he didn't promote Lord Whathisface, so Lord Whatshisface dropped the pig bomb. The only thing that Charlie Brooker got wrong (like in his whole life) was not that the British PM wouldn't fuck a pig, but that the British PM wouldn't choose to fuck a pig. There's a whole comedy of manners overlaid over who fucks a pig and who keeps the photos, and ultimately, who owes who a debt.

It's also really important to note that they don't care that this is wrong. This is the failure of the liberal narrative that if you reveal the truth, people will rise up and do the right thing. In the real world, when you get the They Live! sunglasses and see our leaders for the grotesque alien horrors that they are, the leaders tend to reply, "so? What are you going to do about it?" and politics goes on as normal. So while in the old days, even the whisper of goatfucking might have ended a man's political career, in the Year Of Our Lord Two Thousand and Nineteen, he might just shrug it off. Such is the audacity of wealth and power.

And so Stephen Lecce fucked a goat. And this was revealed with flawless timing, during stalled contract negotiations with the teachers' union, after he'd already had a really awful press conference where the usually milquetoast media was compelled to notice, and point out, his bald-faced lies, while his government just got slapped down by the auditor general on climate change, and while a well-spoken young child called his boss, Doug Ford, a Timbit on live TV. Teachers are out there building snowmen with 70% of the Ontario public supporting us, while the man who stands in opposition, claiming to be against bullying but wanting to institute mandatory eLearning, remove class caps, and fire a fifth of teachers, went and fucked a goat.