Bad Americans and good demons

[sabotabby]

First, a message from our sponsor:

Hellboy PSA, ganked from seanmonster.

Next, memeage ganked from gynocide.



Click if you have a strong stomach.

Edited as it applies to ME.

Bold means I agree
Struck Out means I don't agree.
Gray means I don't know. I'm too lazy to change my font colours; how about italics?



I'm Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I may be your worst nightmare, but I'm from the Soviet Socialist Republic of Canuckistan.

I like big cars, big beers and big tits. Big cars pollute, big beers mean that it's probably some watered-down mass-produced pee-water, and big tits cause back pain. Trust me, I know.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I believe that the money that we all make belongs to those who create that wealth, not to some skeezy politician who will give it away to a coke-snorting CEO in the form of an incentive just so that he can build another wing onto his mansion. There, fixed!

I don't care about appearing compassionate. I am compassionate. Presumably I appear that way, but if I don't, I'm not particularly troubled.

I think playing with guns doesn't make you a killer. Not unless you shoot someone. And then you're both a killer and an idiot who thinks that guns are toys.

I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. True, because it's a paramilitary organization that excludes girls, discriminates against queers, and has something to do with scouting. I don't think that's a good reason, mind you, but it's a reason.

I think I'm better than the homeless. Depends on what you mean by "better." I am probably in a better space in my life, but I don't have inherently more value as a human being.

I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I object to the term "minority." Women are a global majority. People of colour are a global majority. Poor people are an overwhelming global majority. We're all screwed to various degrees by a minority that is anything but noble or victimized, yet in memes like this one, bleats as though it is.

I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. Gotta say I'd be a bit hurt by that, but if I thought you were serious, I'd probably examine why.

I am not tolerant of others because they are different. Yeah, I'm pretty intolerant. Tolerance is among the great liberal fallacies.

I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's ass gets, I'll still want to see it. Which one is Jennifer Lopez?

I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. No one ever invites me to Kwanzaa celebrations, that's the thing.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you do it in English. I don't care what language you speak—keep those disgusting things away from me.

I like my porn without silicon. Unless it's a strap-on.

I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. Grammatically awkward as this sentence is, I think I know what the gentleman is talking about, and it annoys me too.

I think getting a blowjob is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one extremely sloppy one per month. As I told gynocide: ""How are we going to organize this? They'll have to be centrally distributed, and that sounds awfully socialist to me."

I know what the definition of lying is. I can read! Go me.

I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet. I like to think that in some small way I contribute to it, though.

I didn't think the Taco Bell dog was funny. Racist caricatures for the win!

I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks. Wait, they took them away? I like fireworks.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I've gotten some pretty killer migraines, though.

I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. Isn't Blockbuster primarily staffed by students?

I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package. I'd rather not eat packaged food at all.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, and they can do it in their schools. Sure. Go do it in the library or something; just don't interrupt my class.

I think the Clippers should play in the WNBA. I have a vague idea of what the WNBA is, but I can't say the same for the Clippers.

My heroes are Newt Gingrich, John Wayne, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and whoever canceled "Murder She Wrote". I prefer Charlton Heston.

I think creative violence and useless nudity and sex makes movies more interesting. Depends on whether we're talking about explosions or torture porn. Guess which one I prefer.

I don't hate the rich. We'll need something to burn for fuel after we run out of oil, after all.

I don't pity the poor. Pity is the wrong word.

I know wrestling is fake, and I don't think The Rock could kick my ass. I'm 5'2 and I spend all of my time on the computer. A critical mass of Shih Tzus could kick my ass.

I think global warming is junk science. Better bone up on your camel-riding skills, southern Ontario!

I've never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, haven't floundered forty years after deserting Cuba. I haven't burned any witches or been
persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-fuck-up already. History is not a clean slate.

Laurel & Hardy and The Three Stooges still makes me laugh. I have no sense of humour.

I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. You probably aren't, though.

I believe a self-righteous liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a Play Station. Neither are particularly dangerous, which is why I don't waste my time with either.

I want to know which church is it exactly, where the Rev. Jessie Jackson preaches. I looked it up on the internets. He preaches at a whole bunch of them. Isn't research fun?

I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue.

I think explosions are cool.

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. Sorry, no. Running away =/= life-threatening violence.

I worry about dying before I get even. I worry about the author's issues, though.

I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a stop-light, and I'm pretty sure the Latin midget selling them to me is glad she no longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Little Havana. WHAT

I think turkey bacon sucks.

I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually pull out of the car are gonna be gang-banging homeys. Well, for one thing, why are you watching freeway chases? Isn't there something better on TV?

I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

I like hard women, hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning. Thanks, TMI Man!

I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room. ...huh? Oh, I get it! Homophobia!

I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry was Sands of Iwo Jima and Ole Yeller.

I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Go you rebel you!

Sometimes I throw my beer can in the trash, even when the recycle bin is just a few more steps away. I do not drink beer out of cans.

Making love is fine, but sometimes I just wanna get laid.

I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. This guy sounds pretty angry to me, arguably with less cause than most people.

Yes, I'm a bad American. Clearly not.

Comments

[troubleinchina.livejournal.com]

I...

just....

You know, people writing angry screeds about how not angry they are really amuse me.

Did you read the one where rape is like stealing food?

[sabotabby]

Did you read the one where rape is like stealing food?

Do I want to know?

[troubleinchina.livejournal.com]

It depends entirely on whether you see these things as performance art.

There are some good smackdowns highlighted in the comments.

[sabotabby]

...

*blinks*

*reads it again*

Can we start a movement to exclude evolutionary psychologists from the gene pool, by force if need be?

[ironed_orchid]

I'll take minutes!

[xturtle.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's the most appalling meme to go around in awhile. LOL at the white male conservative persecution complex, though. Yeah, dude who wrote this. They're all out to get YOU.

[sabotabby]

I dunno. I'm kind of out to get him.

[xturtle.livejournal.com]

Ooh! A chicken-or-egg type dilemma. Which came first, the persecution complex or the persecution?

Kick him in the shins for me.

[sabotabby]

I'm getting the Overcoming Bias guy first, though.

[xturtle.livejournal.com]

Who is the Overcoming Bias guy? Should I want him kicked in the shins too?

[sabotabby]

Yes.

[xturtle.livejournal.com]

Oh, my word, kill it with fire.

[thebigbadbutch.livejournal.com]

You are totally a racist, a homophobe and a misogynist. Obviously the only reason you refuse to sleep with me is because I'm a gay woman. You should examine this in my pants.

The Clippers are Los Angeles' other mens basketball team lol

[sabotabby]

I'm a geographobe too. I refuse to sleep with you because neither of us owns a teleporter.

So why does this person want a men's basketball team playing in a women's basketball league?

[thebigbadbutch.livejournal.com]

The Clippers aren't the worst team ever but when compared to the Lakers they aren't so great.

Go build us a teleporter so we can have sexy times. Isn't inventing stuff what nerds do anyway?

[sabotabby]

I am entirely the wrong sort of nerd. I'm a book nerd instead of a science nerd, which is completely useless.

*woe*

[thebigbadbutch.livejournal.com]

The only thing you book nerds are good for is getting my undies soggy

[xturtle.livejournal.com]

Because he's a sexist pig who thinks women couldn't possibly play an entertaining game of basketball, finds the Clippers far from entertaining (to be fair, he may have a point there /Lakers fan), and thus decides the worst possible insult is to imply that they PLAY LIKE GIRLS, OMG.

[thebigbadbutch.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah that too...

[xturtle.livejournal.com]

... That comment was supposed to be in response to sabotabby. I totally fail at internet buttons today!

[seriesfinale.livejournal.com]

Turkey bacon rulez

[thebigbadbutch.livejournal.com]

Turkey bacon rulez if you've never had real bacon :P

[terry-terrible.livejournal.com]

I have a vague idea of what the WNBA is, but I can't say the same for the Clippers.

The Clippers are a men's basketball team that is famous for being really, really bad. The "joke" is that losers deserve to play in a womens' basketball league.

[sabotabby]

Oh. That's a really poor joke, then.

PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO SIGN MY INTARNET PETITION

[marnanel.livejournal.com]

I think someone should explain to him that if self-righteous liberals with causes were actually dangerous he would have a lot more to worry about.

Re: PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO SIGN MY INTARNET PETITION

[sabotabby]

Well, yes. That's the objection I have to them.

[eboniorchid.livejournal.com]

I'm fascinated by this, perhaps primarily because I'm not sure what a diatribe like this implies as characteristics for a "Good American" and who is applying these labels in the first place? How odd.

[sabotabby]

I'm very confused. Could he be using "bad" in the "I'm BAD, y'know it?" sense of the word? I don't understand the slang these kids use.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

*blinks*
*scratches head*
*blinks again*

ROTL LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*snigger* Ha, ahem... sorry, am unable to be coherent due to the MOCKING!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Though if I ever met a person like that I'd probably be pissed off and only then I'd be all mock-mock-mock-mock!

[sabotabby]

I usually just splutter and roll my eyes when confronted with such a creature.

[enile.livejournal.com]

The state-distributed sloppy blow-jobs crack me up. I instantly got mental images of dishevelled men standing in line looking weary, and a grey public building with bad furniture in which sloppy blow-jobbing took place.

[sabotabby]

SEX VOUCHERS.

[ironed_orchid]

This list is very much improved by your comments.

Without them it's a little scary.

[sabotabby]

Sabotabby: Virgil to your Dante as you navigate the depraved depths of the internets.

[ironed_orchid]

With sabotabby by my side, I can face anything the internets throw at me.