Sparkly versus furry
Nov. 29th, 2009 09:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabotabbyYou guys! I just saw the new sparkly vampire movie. I didn't pay to see it, of course—that's what the internet is for. It's really awful. It's better than the first one because it has a werewolf versus vampire fight, though it's a kind of pathetic werewolf versus vampire fight, and also nothing blows up and the only people who die are people of colour (of course).
So for those who haven't seen it, Bella, who is basically a cardboard cut-out with fashion sense dating back to the 90s grunge scene (which I happen to like, and I hope you guys will forgive me), is madly in love with Edward, who is a cardboard cut-out who is dead. And sparkles. And is actually a pedophile. Bella realizes the drawbacks to dating a guy who doesn't age (and also presumably lacks, uh, blood pressure, but if I can ignore that on Buffy I'll give that one to SMeyer, otherwise vampires are even more boring). But he won't have sex with her because he's Mormon, and he won't turn her into a vampire because—actually, I couldn't figure this out. There's no disadvantage to being a vampire in the SMeyerverse: You're immortal, you don't require sleep, you're super-pretty and fast, and you don't even burn up in the sunlight like regular vampires. In fact, were it not for the inability to eat (garlic or otherwise) and the fact that you have to go to high school forever (which is already a given for me) your unlife is pretty cool. I was thinking it was maybe because of the blood pressure thing, but I'm heard this is not an issue in the last book.
Their relationship looks pretty depressing, by the way. It's all angst, all the time, and they both look really sad. And watch Romeo and Juliet. Which led to the first instance of me yelling at the movie as to why the vampires went to high school. The movie did not give me an answer.
Anyway, Edward reassures Bella that he's going to love her even when she's old and wrinkly, which means of course he dumps her two scenes later. Because she gets a papercut. I'm not even kidding. One of the other vampires suddenly decides that she looks tasty, so Edward throws her into a wall to protect her, causing her to bleed even more. When Angel pulled that kind of thing on Buffy, she sent him to hell, which I think was a much better reaction than Bella has, which is to get even more angsty and lie down in the mud. Edward and his entire family skip town, which means that RPattz gets to phone in his performance from wherever, as he only appears in flashbacks and visions until the end. Bella then ditches all of her human friends, but then her father threatens to send her to go live with her mother, so she reluctantly calls up Jessica to go hang out.
Jessica is my favourite character in the movie, because she tells Bella that her emo act is really boring. Too bad she is only in about two scenes. Anyway, Bella reacts badly to this and finds the biker guys who tried to rape her in the last movie to see if they'll rape her again. I wish I were kidding about this. They don't, but she realizes that every time she risks her life, she sees visions of Edward telling her not to.
Accordingly, she shows up at her friend Jacob's place (Jacob being this mechanically inclined Native guy who likes to fix cars despite not actually being old enough to drive one), and they bond over her brand new interest in motorcycles. It's almost kind of sweet, if you don't think too hard about her basically using him to get adrenaline rushes, and also the fact that SMeyer did absolutely no research about the Quileute Nation to which he supposedly belongs. Anyway, a comparison:
Bella's relationship with Edward: Angst angst angst starin' out the window angst mumble mumble.
Bella's relationship with Jacob: Motorcycles wheeeee! And sometimes a joke.
So you can tell which one I prefer. I'm actually rooting for this guy a bit, although I think he could do better. Also, he spends the entire movie shirtless, as do his friends, which is another plus in his favour. They have this sweet conversation where he tells her he'd never hurt her or leave her, so you can guess what happens in the next scene.
Oh boy. Bella's depressed again. The black vampire from the last movie shows up and tries to eat her, but unfortunately she gets rescued by some large wolves, who turn out to be Jacob and his friends. Who eat the vampire, because even though he's a vampire, he's still a black guy, and the black guy always dies first. Then the red-headed hot vampire from the last movie also shows up, wanting to eat Bella. But Bella is too busy jumping off a cliff. There's a whole convoluted series of events in which Alice the Psychic Vampire can see her jumping off but not being rescued by Jacob later, and Edward somehow finds out, and decides to kill himself via indecent sparkly exposure in Italy.
Again, I wish I was making this up.
I'd like to say that he burns to death because vampires + sun is historically a dusty combination, but no, Bella gets there in time, though not quickly enough to stop his shirt from being removed. And then there is a really dull fight and some cackling. And ultimately Edward and/or Alice have to promise to turn Bella into a vampire eventually. At this point I tuned out and started checking my e-mail. There was a bit about how the vampires can't read Bella's thoughts, which is probably because her mind is fairly empty of them.
So they go back to Forks, and there's one final non-showdown between Edward and Jacob, whereas Bella makes what I think might be a plea for polyamory in that if she's forced to choose between them, she'd choose Edward (the guy who ditched her because she got a papercut and looks like he's wearing clown makeup with that lipstick) over Jacob (the guy who was mostly emotionally supportive throughout the movie, doesn't mumble, and looks much better with his shirt off), and she'd rather not have to choose.
Edward agrees to turn her into a vampire if she'll marry him. The moral of this story is twofold: Indigenous people are to be exploited, then discarded, and you should not have vampirism before marriage.
There you go, LJ. I just saved you two hours and the price of admission. You can repay me by telling me why the vampires need to go to high school.
So for those who haven't seen it, Bella, who is basically a cardboard cut-out with fashion sense dating back to the 90s grunge scene (which I happen to like, and I hope you guys will forgive me), is madly in love with Edward, who is a cardboard cut-out who is dead. And sparkles. And is actually a pedophile. Bella realizes the drawbacks to dating a guy who doesn't age (and also presumably lacks, uh, blood pressure, but if I can ignore that on Buffy I'll give that one to SMeyer, otherwise vampires are even more boring). But he won't have sex with her because he's Mormon, and he won't turn her into a vampire because—actually, I couldn't figure this out. There's no disadvantage to being a vampire in the SMeyerverse: You're immortal, you don't require sleep, you're super-pretty and fast, and you don't even burn up in the sunlight like regular vampires. In fact, were it not for the inability to eat (garlic or otherwise) and the fact that you have to go to high school forever (which is already a given for me) your unlife is pretty cool. I was thinking it was maybe because of the blood pressure thing, but I'm heard this is not an issue in the last book.
Their relationship looks pretty depressing, by the way. It's all angst, all the time, and they both look really sad. And watch Romeo and Juliet. Which led to the first instance of me yelling at the movie as to why the vampires went to high school. The movie did not give me an answer.
Anyway, Edward reassures Bella that he's going to love her even when she's old and wrinkly, which means of course he dumps her two scenes later. Because she gets a papercut. I'm not even kidding. One of the other vampires suddenly decides that she looks tasty, so Edward throws her into a wall to protect her, causing her to bleed even more. When Angel pulled that kind of thing on Buffy, she sent him to hell, which I think was a much better reaction than Bella has, which is to get even more angsty and lie down in the mud. Edward and his entire family skip town, which means that RPattz gets to phone in his performance from wherever, as he only appears in flashbacks and visions until the end. Bella then ditches all of her human friends, but then her father threatens to send her to go live with her mother, so she reluctantly calls up Jessica to go hang out.
Jessica is my favourite character in the movie, because she tells Bella that her emo act is really boring. Too bad she is only in about two scenes. Anyway, Bella reacts badly to this and finds the biker guys who tried to rape her in the last movie to see if they'll rape her again. I wish I were kidding about this. They don't, but she realizes that every time she risks her life, she sees visions of Edward telling her not to.
Accordingly, she shows up at her friend Jacob's place (Jacob being this mechanically inclined Native guy who likes to fix cars despite not actually being old enough to drive one), and they bond over her brand new interest in motorcycles. It's almost kind of sweet, if you don't think too hard about her basically using him to get adrenaline rushes, and also the fact that SMeyer did absolutely no research about the Quileute Nation to which he supposedly belongs. Anyway, a comparison:
Bella's relationship with Edward: Angst angst angst starin' out the window angst mumble mumble.
Bella's relationship with Jacob: Motorcycles wheeeee! And sometimes a joke.
So you can tell which one I prefer. I'm actually rooting for this guy a bit, although I think he could do better. Also, he spends the entire movie shirtless, as do his friends, which is another plus in his favour. They have this sweet conversation where he tells her he'd never hurt her or leave her, so you can guess what happens in the next scene.
Oh boy. Bella's depressed again. The black vampire from the last movie shows up and tries to eat her, but unfortunately she gets rescued by some large wolves, who turn out to be Jacob and his friends. Who eat the vampire, because even though he's a vampire, he's still a black guy, and the black guy always dies first. Then the red-headed hot vampire from the last movie also shows up, wanting to eat Bella. But Bella is too busy jumping off a cliff. There's a whole convoluted series of events in which Alice the Psychic Vampire can see her jumping off but not being rescued by Jacob later, and Edward somehow finds out, and decides to kill himself via indecent sparkly exposure in Italy.
Again, I wish I was making this up.
I'd like to say that he burns to death because vampires + sun is historically a dusty combination, but no, Bella gets there in time, though not quickly enough to stop his shirt from being removed. And then there is a really dull fight and some cackling. And ultimately Edward and/or Alice have to promise to turn Bella into a vampire eventually. At this point I tuned out and started checking my e-mail. There was a bit about how the vampires can't read Bella's thoughts, which is probably because her mind is fairly empty of them.
So they go back to Forks, and there's one final non-showdown between Edward and Jacob, whereas Bella makes what I think might be a plea for polyamory in that if she's forced to choose between them, she'd choose Edward (the guy who ditched her because she got a papercut and looks like he's wearing clown makeup with that lipstick) over Jacob (the guy who was mostly emotionally supportive throughout the movie, doesn't mumble, and looks much better with his shirt off), and she'd rather not have to choose.
Edward agrees to turn her into a vampire if she'll marry him. The moral of this story is twofold: Indigenous people are to be exploited, then discarded, and you should not have vampirism before marriage.
There you go, LJ. I just saved you two hours and the price of admission. You can repay me by telling me why the vampires need to go to high school.
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no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 02:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 02:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 08:26 am (UTC)Shit, now Breaking Dawn makes a smidgen of sense...
Why Breaking Dawn must be made into a movie. Hopefully directed by David Cronenberg.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 10:52 am (UTC)It's cos he can't pass his lit exams.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 12:35 pm (UTC)Ebert's never better than when he's bringing the hate. As I read it, the second sentence isn't just about wild animals, it's a cynical comment about the stereotyping of Native American peoples as half-naked savages (I never got why art about historical encounters between Native Americans and colonizers would show the Europeans in head to toe wool and the Natives in loincloths -- someone is either underdressed or overdressed for the season -- until I realized, oh, it's a mean of making Whitey look more "civilized.")
no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 02:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 02:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 02:36 am (UTC)...
So, I have just fanwanked Twilight. I shall retire to my shamecave now.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 02:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 02:42 am (UTC)Does that answer repay your kindness? ;) I haven't read/watched anything past Twilight & I'm quite fine with that, but I was curious as to what the hell's going on in this one. Thanks for saving me the trouble!
no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 11:32 am (UTC)I think they go to high school to pick up underage girls.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 07:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 02:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 11:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 02:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 11:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 03:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 05:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 11:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 03:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 11:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 04:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 11:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 06:36 am (UTC)Why is Bella in this relationship? What kind of vampire is a Mormon? Why has this been inflicted upon humanity?
And don't get me started on the evil vampires=POC and good vampires=White people bullshit. I heard about that and my blood about boiled.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 11:37 am (UTC)I don't know why the vampires are Mormon, especially when there's so much Catholic imagery all over the movie and in vampire mythology in general.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 04:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 07:29 am (UTC)Aaaahhh. This movie makes me cry because someone I LIKE watched it. Imma go cry.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 11:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 11:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 11:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 01:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 03:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 04:27 pm (UTC)I watched it for free as well. I liked it better than the first one based solely on the hot werewolf who liked to laugh and looked way better with his shirt off.
Oh I left out my favorite part:
Date: 2009-11-30 04:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 05:28 pm (UTC)Did you see the part with the blond girlpire with the red eyes and weird power to make people feel pain or dance poorly or whatever in Italy(Rome?) That was Dakota Fanning! That freaked me out when I saw the picture somewhere.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 05:29 pm (UTC)I also like spamming your ELJAY.
HUGS
no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 07:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-30 08:51 pm (UTC)Now, thanks to your excellent review, I realize I was giving it way too much credit.
The vampires need to go to high school because they keep flunking, because they are not very bright.
In answer to your probable follow-up question, namely don't they realize that they don't have much need of a high school certificate in their vampire careers, I refer you to my previous answer.
LOLcat version
Date: 2009-12-03 07:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 02:32 am (UTC)To be fair, the movie does start with her turning 18, so he was only a pedophile in the first movie.
Also, I know I'm coming in late on this, but I just saw it tonight and hate reading spoilers.