Jesus loves me but he can't stand you
Sep. 28th, 2005 04:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabotabbyThe link of the day is Rapture Ready. And yes, it's another one of those Premillennial Dispensationalist sites of which I'm so fond. We all have guilty pleasures, okay?
I've barely begun to explore the wealth of hilarity available on this site. Here are just some of the great things I've found.
Hal Lindsey cartoons!
Why Jesus would vote Republican!
Oops! I missed the Rapture!
Left Behind for Dummies!
Of course, cult members can't just drink the Kool Aid and greet the UFOs without leaving letters to their loved ones, explaining that they're not really dead.
Some highlights:
"Newfire" tells her hellbound husband to Read Left Behind, and when he's done with that, check out this book called the Bible.
One fellow is concerned that his pets might not make it to Heaven:
You might want to try and leave the city. You know where I live. Head for Show Low. SammyCat and Tracker will need someone to take care of and love them. Please get up here fast. The cat and dog food is in the kitchen, in the floor cupboards next to the sink.
...and then he just gets weird:
Okay, I bet CNN and the rest of the talking-heads have come up with something like this: 'NASA has confirmed that a very large UFO(or perhaps a fleet of them)has been orbiting our planet, cloaked by highly-advanced Stealth technology.
NASA has managed to contact the alien starships and have been advised by the aliens that they have come to guide us through our next evolutionary stage--a spiritual one. To prevent these divisive, contentious Christians who insist that Jesus is the only way from disrupting the harmonic flow of these good vibrations, they have all been beamed up(remember Star Trek?)to the ship(s)and will be taken to Starbase Deep Space Nine and a half via the good Starship Lollipop.
"Heather" adds:
PS - Look out for the guy who wants to bring peace!
Oh no! Anything but peace!
You might be wondering who exactly "the guy who wants to bring peace" is. Fortunately, Rapture Ready has a shortlist of Antichrist candidates for your perusal. They include Bill Gates, George Bush (I guess Jesus wouldn't vote Republican, then!), and Kofi Annan. Tony Blair's also on the list, but he's apparently a "light weight contender."
One of the best pages tells you what kind of mansion you can expect to receive once you're in Heaven. Did you know, for example, that class differences exist even in the afterlife? "Struggling Believers" get to live in a wee little place like this -- and remember, "It's far better to live as a pauper in heaven, than to face the alternative." (Milton called. He wants his religion back.)
There are even outhouses in Heaven! "One of the saddest groups of people in heaven will be those who never did anything beyond going to church every Sunday." Ummm...isn't Heaven supposed to be a happy place?
By far the greatest thing about this site, though, is the fact that it's written with the sense that its webmaster will shortly cease to exist in this earthly dimension. He's handily provided a guide for the future, including his impressions about what various famous people will say, now that he's been proven right and everyone else is Wrong! Dead Wrong! ("And that'll serve you right for giving me a wedgie in grade school!")
Charles Darwin says: "Well, I made a monkey out of myself. What I thought was a common thread in the evolution of species was actually the artistic theme of a divine creator.” Ruh-roh!
Jesse James says: "Crime does not pay because not even the most crafty and elusive criminal can hide from the Eternal Judge.”
Sigmund Freud claims: "If you have a mind of Christ, you won't need psychiatric therapy.” Oh, I don't know about that, Sigmund!
Seriously, though: Never mind that passage about how much God loved the world. These Leviticans hate life so much that they just don't want to end their own, they want to end everyone's and blow the planet up while they're at it. (They even have a lovely mushroom cloud theme going on.) The only difference between this guy and this guy is a willingness to put words into action.
I've barely begun to explore the wealth of hilarity available on this site. Here are just some of the great things I've found.
Hal Lindsey cartoons!
Why Jesus would vote Republican!
Oops! I missed the Rapture!
Left Behind for Dummies!
Of course, cult members can't just drink the Kool Aid and greet the UFOs without leaving letters to their loved ones, explaining that they're not really dead.
Some highlights:
"Newfire" tells her hellbound husband to Read Left Behind, and when he's done with that, check out this book called the Bible.
One fellow is concerned that his pets might not make it to Heaven:
You might want to try and leave the city. You know where I live. Head for Show Low. SammyCat and Tracker will need someone to take care of and love them. Please get up here fast. The cat and dog food is in the kitchen, in the floor cupboards next to the sink.
...and then he just gets weird:
Okay, I bet CNN and the rest of the talking-heads have come up with something like this: 'NASA has confirmed that a very large UFO(or perhaps a fleet of them)has been orbiting our planet, cloaked by highly-advanced Stealth technology.
NASA has managed to contact the alien starships and have been advised by the aliens that they have come to guide us through our next evolutionary stage--a spiritual one. To prevent these divisive, contentious Christians who insist that Jesus is the only way from disrupting the harmonic flow of these good vibrations, they have all been beamed up(remember Star Trek?)to the ship(s)and will be taken to Starbase Deep Space Nine and a half via the good Starship Lollipop.
"Heather" adds:
PS - Look out for the guy who wants to bring peace!
Oh no! Anything but peace!
You might be wondering who exactly "the guy who wants to bring peace" is. Fortunately, Rapture Ready has a shortlist of Antichrist candidates for your perusal. They include Bill Gates, George Bush (I guess Jesus wouldn't vote Republican, then!), and Kofi Annan. Tony Blair's also on the list, but he's apparently a "light weight contender."
One of the best pages tells you what kind of mansion you can expect to receive once you're in Heaven. Did you know, for example, that class differences exist even in the afterlife? "Struggling Believers" get to live in a wee little place like this -- and remember, "It's far better to live as a pauper in heaven, than to face the alternative." (Milton called. He wants his religion back.)
There are even outhouses in Heaven! "One of the saddest groups of people in heaven will be those who never did anything beyond going to church every Sunday." Ummm...isn't Heaven supposed to be a happy place?
By far the greatest thing about this site, though, is the fact that it's written with the sense that its webmaster will shortly cease to exist in this earthly dimension. He's handily provided a guide for the future, including his impressions about what various famous people will say, now that he's been proven right and everyone else is Wrong! Dead Wrong! ("And that'll serve you right for giving me a wedgie in grade school!")
Charles Darwin says: "Well, I made a monkey out of myself. What I thought was a common thread in the evolution of species was actually the artistic theme of a divine creator.” Ruh-roh!
Jesse James says: "Crime does not pay because not even the most crafty and elusive criminal can hide from the Eternal Judge.”
Sigmund Freud claims: "If you have a mind of Christ, you won't need psychiatric therapy.” Oh, I don't know about that, Sigmund!
Seriously, though: Never mind that passage about how much God loved the world. These Leviticans hate life so much that they just don't want to end their own, they want to end everyone's and blow the planet up while they're at it. (They even have a lovely mushroom cloud theme going on.) The only difference between this guy and this guy is a willingness to put words into action.
