Atlas Shrugged: Part I, Part III
Nov. 21st, 2011 06:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabotabbyPreviously on Atlas Shrugged, rich people blithely ignored the energy shortage and are probably causing a wine shortage owing to the number of glasses they pour but do not drink. Though maybe the help is drinking it.
On a related note, my friend Max, unlike me, ordered an actual legit copy of the DVD. The order was delayed, probably because of a truly epic blunder. He has given me permission to share with you the following exchange.
He replied:
I think you guys would totally get along with Max. We should all talk him into getting an LJ.
Anyway, are you excited for the final installment? If so, you shouldn’t be, because nothing happens.
Taggart stocks are now worthless because absolutely no one will invest in a railway that runs on unicorn-fart-based metal. Dagny hatches the brilliant scheme to abandon the Taggart company and create a new railway company that’s just hers, because people will apparently invest in unicorn-fart-based railways if you cleverly change the name. James is completely unconcerned that this effectively creates new competition for him where there was no competition before. Also, with what funds, Dagny? Are you going to sell the fugly bracelet?
Oh, and three guesses what she calls the new line.
Go on. Guess.
Then Dagny remembers that you actually need capital to start up new companies, so she begs Francisco for it. She’s such a mooch. When he says no, she hits on him. He still says no. Hah. She really overestimates how hot people find her. Pro-tip: Most dudes like more than one facial expression.
He condescends to ask her what her new line is going to be named. She monologues about how John Galt means quitting, giving up, so she named her railway after it. Wait, what?
After a brief montage, Dagny manages to secure almost enough funding to pay Hank to build the Bridge of Death. In an astounding bout of conflict of interest, he gives her the last bit of money she needs. Fucking economics, how do they work?
Then he has a freakout because the government passed a law forbidding anyone from owning more than one company. He declares that he’ll sell off his other companies, but no one will get their hands on his steel.
Really, dude, I don’t think anyone wants to get their hands on your steel.
Meet Brady, the only person in this entire movie who acts remotely logically. Unfortunately, he’s only in this one scene. He’s the head of the railway workers’ union, and he has decided to oppress Dagny by not allowing his men to run a rapid death machine over a canyon bridged by untested metal.
Dagny: You’re not my real dad and you can’t tell me what to do.
Brady: And you can’t force men to sacrifice their lives for profit.
Dagny: Yes I cannnnn. Because I’m not forcing them. They can drive the train or starve to death. Also, if the bridge collapses, there won’t be any railway industry for them to work on. So there.
Brady: And if all the workers die in a fiery crash, who will drive your trains? Also, you are a terrible person.
Dagny: Why…why…thank you!
So Dagny, Hank, and some red shirt drive the train faster than any train has ever driven over the Canyon of Doom. The untested unicorn-fart bridge does not collapse. In Ayn Rand’s twisted brain, this obviously means that the bridge has been proven safe.
(By the way, I assume this comes in t-shirt form. Hanukkah is coming up. I’m just sayin’.)
While Mouch, James, and Pimpstache plot and swirl their Scotch (but don’t actually drink it), Dagny, Hank, and Ellis celebrate by actually drinking what’s in their glasses for once.
Just kidding; the glasses evaporate and are replaced by a triumphant violin score.
I can’t quite convey the true level of its weirdness by showing stills of the dinner scene, but basically there are all these shots of wine on the table and wine being poured, but the scene is blocked in such a way so that no one is actually seen drinking the wine. Is it that the actors are all teetotalers? Because you can use grape juice or something.
Why this bothers me more than anything else in the movie says something about how I would like a drink right now.
Ellis excuses himself so that the two marginally more conventionally attractive characters can introduce each other to trickle-down economics.
The sex scene is the most profoundly unerotic sequence since Dominique got Roarked in The Fountainhead. It is so bad that the editor has to keep fading to black in order to preserve his own sanity.
HOSHIT GALT HAS COME FOR ELLIS. DUN DUN DUN.
Hank: GOOD MORNING DAGNY
Dagny: GOOD MORNING HANK
Hank: SAY YOU HAVE NOT SEEN ELLIS HAVE YOU
Dagny: I AM SURE HE IS FINE AND HAS NOT BEEN ABDUCTED AND MURDERED IN HIS SLEEP
Hank: OKAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO ON A ROAD TRIP
Dagny: OKAY HANK
Hank and Dagny go to Wisconsin and discover a factory that was abandoned because of socialism. Hidden in the factory is a magical engine that runs on static electricity. So they decide to track down the person who made the engine by embarking on yet another road trip, which is boring so I won’t recap it.
Spoiler: John Galt made the engine before he decided to pack it in and become a serial killer.
Speaking of which, Galt has found a new way to dispose of the bodies. By which I mean that he dumped Ellis’ in his own oil field and then torched the place.
AWE. SOME. You know who else did that? Saddam Hussain.
A voiceovered conversation between Galt and Ellis explains that Galt is inviting Ellis to “Atlantis, a place where heroes live.” Dude, Atlantis sunk. I’m going to just assume that Ellis is also at the bottom of the ocean.
Dagny: NOOOOOOOOoooooooooo
Ooooooooo
oooo.
The end. Seriously, an hour and a half, and that is all that happens. I look forward to Part II, which will just be John Galt’s speech for the entire movie.
On a related note, my friend Max, unlike me, ordered an actual legit copy of the DVD. The order was delayed, probably because of a truly epic blunder. He has given me permission to share with you the following exchange.
As a token of our appreciation for your patience, we have made available a complimentary download of the Atlas Shrugged Movie Soundtrack. The soundtrack is completely free and will be available for download for the remainder of the end of the week.
Canadian orders take longer. Thank you again for your patience.
I swear by my life...
Thanks,
BigJim Jenness
AtlasShruggedMovie.com
He replied:
Ms Rand would roll over in her grave if she knew of the sort of rag tag excuses you were putting forward, worthy of a filthy street urchin not her fine legacy. This reveals the inherent and creeping nature of the parasitic condition that socialism has washed upon and throughout us.
As if spitting on her grave with your lack of taking responsibility were not enough, your use of a public postal service provider is the theoretical undigging of her cadaver, while your attempts to buy off my insatisfaction through the totally a-valued distribution of worthless music destined to keep the toiling masses amused is the metaphorical lovemaking of her dead, decaying corpse. (which, in passing, I believe she would support.)
You have brought great shame upon her legacy. And yourself. For man is nothing without his worth.
I think you guys would totally get along with Max. We should all talk him into getting an LJ.
Anyway, are you excited for the final installment? If so, you shouldn’t be, because nothing happens.
Taggart stocks are now worthless because absolutely no one will invest in a railway that runs on unicorn-fart-based metal. Dagny hatches the brilliant scheme to abandon the Taggart company and create a new railway company that’s just hers, because people will apparently invest in unicorn-fart-based railways if you cleverly change the name. James is completely unconcerned that this effectively creates new competition for him where there was no competition before. Also, with what funds, Dagny? Are you going to sell the fugly bracelet?
Oh, and three guesses what she calls the new line.
Go on. Guess.
Then Dagny remembers that you actually need capital to start up new companies, so she begs Francisco for it. She’s such a mooch. When he says no, she hits on him. He still says no. Hah. She really overestimates how hot people find her. Pro-tip: Most dudes like more than one facial expression.
He condescends to ask her what her new line is going to be named. She monologues about how John Galt means quitting, giving up, so she named her railway after it. Wait, what?
After a brief montage, Dagny manages to secure almost enough funding to pay Hank to build the Bridge of Death. In an astounding bout of conflict of interest, he gives her the last bit of money she needs. Fucking economics, how do they work?
Then he has a freakout because the government passed a law forbidding anyone from owning more than one company. He declares that he’ll sell off his other companies, but no one will get their hands on his steel.
Really, dude, I don’t think anyone wants to get their hands on your steel.
Meet Brady, the only person in this entire movie who acts remotely logically. Unfortunately, he’s only in this one scene. He’s the head of the railway workers’ union, and he has decided to oppress Dagny by not allowing his men to run a rapid death machine over a canyon bridged by untested metal.
Dagny: You’re not my real dad and you can’t tell me what to do.
Brady: And you can’t force men to sacrifice their lives for profit.
Dagny: Yes I cannnnn. Because I’m not forcing them. They can drive the train or starve to death. Also, if the bridge collapses, there won’t be any railway industry for them to work on. So there.
Brady: And if all the workers die in a fiery crash, who will drive your trains? Also, you are a terrible person.
Dagny: Why…why…thank you!
So Dagny, Hank, and some red shirt drive the train faster than any train has ever driven over the Canyon of Doom. The untested unicorn-fart bridge does not collapse. In Ayn Rand’s twisted brain, this obviously means that the bridge has been proven safe.
(By the way, I assume this comes in t-shirt form. Hanukkah is coming up. I’m just sayin’.)
While Mouch, James, and Pimpstache plot and swirl their Scotch (but don’t actually drink it), Dagny, Hank, and Ellis celebrate by actually drinking what’s in their glasses for once.
Just kidding; the glasses evaporate and are replaced by a triumphant violin score.
I can’t quite convey the true level of its weirdness by showing stills of the dinner scene, but basically there are all these shots of wine on the table and wine being poured, but the scene is blocked in such a way so that no one is actually seen drinking the wine. Is it that the actors are all teetotalers? Because you can use grape juice or something.
Why this bothers me more than anything else in the movie says something about how I would like a drink right now.
Ellis excuses himself so that the two marginally more conventionally attractive characters can introduce each other to trickle-down economics.
The sex scene is the most profoundly unerotic sequence since Dominique got Roarked in The Fountainhead. It is so bad that the editor has to keep fading to black in order to preserve his own sanity.
HOSHIT GALT HAS COME FOR ELLIS. DUN DUN DUN.
Hank: GOOD MORNING DAGNY
Dagny: GOOD MORNING HANK
Hank: SAY YOU HAVE NOT SEEN ELLIS HAVE YOU
Dagny: I AM SURE HE IS FINE AND HAS NOT BEEN ABDUCTED AND MURDERED IN HIS SLEEP
Hank: OKAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO ON A ROAD TRIP
Dagny: OKAY HANK
Hank and Dagny go to Wisconsin and discover a factory that was abandoned because of socialism. Hidden in the factory is a magical engine that runs on static electricity. So they decide to track down the person who made the engine by embarking on yet another road trip, which is boring so I won’t recap it.
Spoiler: John Galt made the engine before he decided to pack it in and become a serial killer.
Speaking of which, Galt has found a new way to dispose of the bodies. By which I mean that he dumped Ellis’ in his own oil field and then torched the place.
AWE. SOME. You know who else did that? Saddam Hussain.
A voiceovered conversation between Galt and Ellis explains that Galt is inviting Ellis to “Atlantis, a place where heroes live.” Dude, Atlantis sunk. I’m going to just assume that Ellis is also at the bottom of the ocean.
Dagny: NOOOOOOOOoooooooooo
Ooooooooo
oooo.
The end. Seriously, an hour and a half, and that is all that happens. I look forward to Part II, which will just be John Galt’s speech for the entire movie.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-11-21 11:45 pm (UTC)(John Leguizamo's The Pest is still my personal worst movie of all time, but if I watched this I think this would be up there.)
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Date: 2011-11-21 11:46 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2011-11-22 11:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-22 04:39 am (UTC)And, boy, I'm glad that I read Crime and Punishment before I read Ayn Rand, otherwise who knows what I'd be like now. I was a nerdy loser who somehow thought I was unpopular because I was smarter than everyone else (lol). I'm just glad the novel that first shaped my young nerdy loser mind about what supposedly being smarter than others means was the one that told me that I'm not special, I'm not above the law, and I can't do anything I want. It's probably why I later found The Fountainhead so offensive and couldn't get past the idea that it was okay for Roark to rape Dominique because he's such a great, misunderstood architect.
Fortunately for society, nothing bad has ever come out of thinking your self-confirmed superiority over other people allows you to do anything you want to them. Nothing bad EVER.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-22 11:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-11-22 11:52 am (UTC)I...really can't tell. On the one hand, Rorschach was supposed to be a parody of Objectivism. On the other hand, I don't think anyone involved in the movie's production is cool enough to have read Watchmen, and I'm sure if they did, they'd have been too offended by the parody of Objectivism to include a tribute in their movie.
I really, seriously wonder how they're going to do The Epic Speech that is like half of the last third of the book. I think at one point the director joked about having a voiceover on a black screen. Doesn't it take like NINE HOURS just to read it out loud or something? I am wondering here!
No, no. You forget, this the least visually creative director in the history of cinema. There will be a montage with stock footage of the news and the main characters looking up as if gripped by a sudden epiphany.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-22 09:30 am (UTC)Also I await future installments of this ...series of movies with great horror. Maybe it will have tanked so bad they won't have any money to make more? Unless the Randroids are just throwing money at them to make the movies no matter how poorly they do.
no subject
Date: 2011-11-22 11:55 am (UTC)At the very least, Yeah Science! needs to be a new LJ icon. Though I am amused at the thought of it being a t-shirt, because while it tacitly endorses criminal activity, I could wear it to school and claim it's educational.
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