Help make sabotabby's life a trite-bullshit-free zone!

[sabotabby]

Word of advice. If someone tells you that they're suffering—whether the pain is mental or physical—a good thing to avoid saying is: "Everything happens for a reason."

There is really no way in which that sentence can be interpreted that is not horrendously offensive.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by the Committee Against You Getting Punched In Your Smug Face.

Comments

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

I surfed by and had to stop and cheer! Well and truly said.

[sabotabby]

:) If only more people thought like us.

[firinel.livejournal.com]

But if more people keep saying stuff like that, it would make writing up the 'who to much in their smug face' and 'who not to punch' lists muuuuch easier!

[sabotabby]

Alas, when one is legally forbidden to punch anyone in their smug face no matter how much they deserve it, the distinction is a purely academic one.

[lienne.livejournal.com]

Holy shit what? Do people do that?

I mean I guess it's one of those things that's comforting to people who exist in the structure that produced it

but

but no

[sabotabby]

People say it. I imagine there's a close overlap between people who believe it and people who buy motivational posters unironically.

[eyelid.livejournal.com]

my MIL said something along those lines - "Maybe it's just not meant to be" - when I was dealing with infertility. I had to leave the room.

[sabotabby]

Augh no just no.

[marlowe1.livejournal.com]

I think Mamatas wrote something about going back in time to put that quote on the gates of Auschwitz just so no one would ever use it again.

[sabotabby]

Indeed! I looked for that story and couldn't find it.

[sabotabby]

I should put it on a t-shirt along with a description of how my sciatica is different than the sciatica that someone they knew had.

[bcholmes.livejournal.com]

Someone suggested this response to me, once: "I'm sure that me punching you in the face is happening for a reason, too."

[sabotabby]

That would actually be true! Unlike my pain.

[soberloki.livejournal.com]

Yeah, when that one gets trotted out, I almost always have to fight the urge to pile-drive the offender.

I have a MUCH better response to the declaration that someone I know is hurting: "Is there anything I can do to help?"

And then I fuck off if that's the most helpful thing to do, or go pick up groceries, or whatever.

[sabotabby]

In fairness, she did help me carry a heavy thing.

Nevertheless, it would have been more helpful to have done so without the commentary.

[culpster.livejournal.com]

Her saying that happened for a reason - so we could call out her bullshit.

[sabotabby]

It may be that the only purpose of one's life is to serve as a warning to others.

[firecat]

No, no! Everything happens for a reason.

The reason is 42.

Or possibly "once upon a time, there was a slight imbalance between matter and antimatter..."

[sabotabby]

Heh. Now, that I respect.

[mongrelheart.livejournal.com]

People who say "Everything happens for a reason" should be sat on by yaks. Just sayin'.

*hugs to you*

[sabotabby]

Where do I get a herd of yaks this time of year?

[lizbee.livejournal.com]

I HATE THAT SO MUCH.

Last year, in the middle of a major arthritic flare-up, a co-worker presented me with a variation: "But you're much too nice! You don't deserve to have such a horrible disease!"

YES, THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG, BUT FOR SOME REASON NO ONE REPLIES TO MY LETTERS OF COMPLAINT!

[sabotabby]

IT'S KARMA DON'T YOU KNOW?

[gethenian.livejournal.com]

*reads other comments*

...wow. Now I feel like a complete freak for actually finding that outlook generally comforting and encouraging. :\ I don't recall whether I've ever said it to anyone else, but goddamn do I say it to myself a lot.

I honestly don't see how it's offensive, either. It's entirely possible I've just reached a point where I am that desperate to find a positive message or purpose in anything, but I don't see how it's offensive to encourage someone to have a positive attitude and try to find wisdom and strength going through a difficult or painful situation. :\

[sabotabby]

It might be a comfort to you, but I'd avoid saying it to other people, who may find it horribly offensive.

To me, it implies one of two things:

1. Either pain is karmic (or divine justice, or what have you), and my leg feels like someone splintered it with an axe and it never lets up to the point where on a daily basis, I am screaming and sobbing and begging to die, because I did something wrong, either in this lifetime or a previous one, and thus I deserve to suffer, or;

2. The pain, which is more than I can possibly endure, will somehow make me a stronger or better person so that I can fulfil some sort of great purpose that lies ahead.

Neither of these is true, and neither of these is any comfort at all. The truth is that sometimes shitty things happen, regardless of whether you're a good or bad person. They wear you down and make you weaker as much as they make you stronger. My experience with suffering is that nothing good ever comes out of it—you endure, and hopefully the suffering ends. Finding meaning in it is a futile and depressing exercise.

Also, it's presumptuous to assume that you have a better perspective of what's going on in someone's life than they do. She's not the one with the constant excruciating agony, therefore, whatever wisdom she has to offer is completely irrelevant.

[karinmollberg.livejournal.com]

Excellent phrase: you must remember to use it one rainy day when whoever said it, suffers. There is nothing like one´s own medicine!

[rackletang.livejournal.com]

Seriously. Does anyone actually believe that people get sciatica "for a reason?" Because if they do they are an asshole and must die. (BTW, haven't commented recently, but having survived what sounds like an infinitely milder attack of sciatica, OMG I am so sorry you are dealing with this OMG ouch ouch fuck.)

Yes. And yes.

[ed-rex.livejournal.com]

I recently met someone who not only believe that sciatica happens for "a reason", but so too did the slaughter in Rwanda, the Holocaust and the genocide that accompanied the European take-over of the Americas.

In case you're wondering, the "reasons" had everything to do with the victims' attitudes (or "energy") and little or nothing to do with the aggressors.

Yes, there really are people who believe this shit.

[pofflewomp.livejournal.com]

Ha. Even worse is "everything always turns out to have been for the best."

I get VERY upset by that one.

[pofflewomp.livejournal.com]

What don't kill yer makes yer stronger.

(Actually, it can cripple you for life.)

Did Camus really come up with that one? Did it make more sense in context?

[rohmie.livejournal.com]

[*hugs*]

Have you read this rant?

Why “venality”? Because, with survivors of Auschwitz still alive, Oprah writes this about “The Secret” on her Web site, “the energy you put into the world — both good and bad — is exactly what comes back to you. This means you create the circumstances of your life with the choices you make every day.” “Venality,” because Oprah, in the age of AIDS, is advertising a book that says, “You cannot ‘catch’ anything unless you think you can, and thinking you can is inviting it to you with your thought.” “Venality,” because Oprah, from a studio within walking distance of Chicago’s notorious Cabrini Green Projects, pitches a book that says, “The only reason any person does not have enough money is because they are blocking money from coming to them with their thoughts.”

[sabotabby]

Now I have! I'm admittedly fascinated by the self-help/positive thinking cult (you've read Brightsided? If not, you should.). I know a crapload of people who buy into it, and they get horribly defensive when I point out that their entire way of thinking is horrible.

[nichtsda.livejournal.com]

I hate how people confuse other people's ability to keep soldiering on despite the shit life throws at them with destiny.

Not to mention "Things happen for a reason" is an empty statement that tries to sound profound. I bet you $10 CAN that this person also talks about "being a good person" (i.e. mistaking baseline human decency and respect for others as extraordinary acts by an extraordinary person).

[the-siobhan.livejournal.com]

How about "this too shall pass"?

Once when I got a 3 am suicide call from a friend he asked me how I get through the really bad stuff and I told him that's what I use on myself a lot. It fits my rather skewed idea of comfort because I really don't think things always happen for a reason.

[sabotabby]

I like "this too shall pass," especially in the context of its original story. It is true—even if things don't get better, you'll eventually die, amirite?

[sadie-sabot.livejournal.com]

1) people like this idea, that things happen for a reason, when they encounter someone else suffering, because whatever that reason is it's something YOU did and since they wouldn't ever do that, this horrible thing won't happen to them.

2)It's also completely true. things do happen for a reason! I am sick today for a reason: new carpeting in my office! My hip hurts for a reason: acetabular impingement! My cat bit me for a reason: she's mean! My grandfather died for a reason: he was old! your sciatica happened/is happening for a reason, too, it's just that the docs haven't figured it out yet.