Your evening schadenfreude

[sabotabby]

GUYS!

Remember that hilarious story about the Parkdale gentrifiers? Did you think that after Jesse Brown tweeted the Parkdale Tinies that the story couldn't possibly get any funnier?



How long can Toronto keep a thing going, you might wonder. Surely not this long...

How my family came to be the most hated family in Toronto (at least for 24 hours)

By Julian Humphreys


You owe it to yourself and your lulz to click that link and read the whole thing. It is GLORIOUS. It is 10,383 words long. It quotes ADORNO AND GOETHE and my buddy Todd and I can't breathe through my tears. It is full of not-very-subtle digs at his wife and even worse digs at his editor, who really can't be blamed for not turning down this pile of comedy gold because tbh no one was really reading Toronto Life before and now everyone is in the hopes that there will be more of this kind of thing.

Some choice quotes:

"Back when I was in academia and enamoured by writers like Jacques Derrida and Judith Butler, I was particularly in to the idea of origins, and where exactly we can trace origins back to."


"My mum emigrated to the UK in 1939 from Germany. Yes, that’s right, she was a Jew, or at least somewhat Jewish."


"[My counsellor] then proceeded to give me a lecture on cell biology, including how many bookshelves it would take to hold all the information contained in a single human cell. The lesson being, we are endlessly complex beings, and attempting to oversimplify both ourselves and the world is foolish."


"I did try to clean myself up at one point, attending a 10-day silent retreat in Southern Thailand. But the switch from partying on a Thai beach to sitting quietly for 12 hours a day in a Thai monastery was too dramatic, and I only lasted 5 days before I was back to Bangkok and their opiated grass."


"So let me explain what really went down during our reno from hell. Not that my wife mis-represented the facts – for the most part, she didn’t. But a) she was at home looking after our newborn for most of the year of our reno, so doesn’t know first-hand what really went on; b) she was constrained by a word limit of 4000 words; and c) she was working closely with an editor at Toronto Life, who clearly had his own agenda that overwhelmed her own."


"I had concerns about how I would come across in the piece, but I was prepared to put my ego aside for the sake of a good story and in support of my wife’s career. "


"Looking back on that telephone conversation now, I realize that Malcolm never did assure me that he would look out for my wife’s best interests."


"Although I could see the literary merit of these additions, a mean-spiritedness was entering into the article that was not in the original draft."


"I also didn’t like the photo because in reality my wife is much more attractive than she appears in that photo."


"Criticisms of capitalism presented by the bourgeoisie are nearly always duplicitous, masquerading as in solidarity with the proletariat while cutting off real protest at the knees. And this was exactly what was going on here. By seeming to sympathize with the downtrodden, Malcolm was hoping to humanize us just enough to avoid a revolution, while dehumanizing us enough to garner clicks."


"We could have called an ambulance, I guess, but that, in my mind, would have been a gross invasion of his privacy."


"My wife does, however, say that we were ‘a young family without a lot of money’ and whether this is true or not depends on what you consider ‘money.’"


"[O]n the one hand yes, I made some bad decisions. And yet we came out ahead. Was this luck? Or strategy?"


"It’s better to move forward without all the answers in place than to not move forward at all, an assumption best expressed in this quote attributed to Goethe..."

"His gift substantially changed my life, and I show my gratitude by honoring his generosity as best I can. I could have snorted $100,000 of cocaine, but instead used it to prepare myself, however tangentially, for a career in which I feel I make a positive difference."

Oh, just read the whole thing, trust me.

Bonus: Here is his Twitter.

Comments

[armiphlage]

*sends them sympathy while looking for places to move after getting evicted later this year*

[sabotabby]

But you don't understand how much they SUFFERED.

[ironed_orchid]

Oh wow. Now I know what I'll be reading when taking breaks from cleaning all the things today.

[sabotabby]

It's quite good for that. I may re-read while packing and marking all the things today.

[minoanmiss]

AHAHAHAHA *wheeze* I needed that laugh.

[sabotabby]

Oh, so did I.

[rinue]

"I could have snorted $100,000 of cocaine, but instead used it to prepare myself, however tangentially, for a career in which I feel I make a positive difference."

I didn't realize this was an excuse I was allowed to employ! I'm going to use it for everything now. Didn't take out the garbage like I was supposed to but didn't sell the car for a small amount of cocaine. Failed to meet my writing deadline, but what do you want from me, that I become a cokehead so I can make writing deadlines? Collected donations to pay for a funeral, blew it on a spa day because I felt overwhelmed, but what's important is that I'm now in a better mental state to deal with future problems and if you think about it I could have spent that day in a coke den. I'm a hero and anyone who criticizes me is a deluded hater.

[sabotabby]

It's great because it's such an all-purpose excuse. Didn't get the marks in on time? I could have just snorted a bunch of cocaine. Didn't pay the bills? At least I didn't spend that money on cocaine!

This guy is my inspiration.

[rinue]

This inspirational poster is perfect.

[sabotabby]

I made a bunch because I'm like that.

[the_axel]

Best inspirational poster evah!

[fidget]

I tried to read through this piece of shit article yesterday, and I only made it 1/4 of the way through -- or, so I'm assuming. I really don't know when I stopped. All I can tell you is that I wanted to reach through the phone and punch this assclown in the side of the head.

There's an old internet thing where some guy figured out that you could caption every New Yorker cartoon with "Christ, what an asshole," and they would all still work just fine. Turns out, it works for all comic strips. Anyway, that revelation has always stuck with me.

So, "Christ. What an unmitigated asshole."

[sabotabby]

I thought of that and also BoingBoing's "this asshole again."

He's just unbelievable. I thought his wife was bad but he's so much worse.

[fidget]

I tried telling Adam about this bullshit yesterday, but he failed to see the humor. In fact, I think he even got a little annoyed with me. Then he started on the "What's so wrong with gentrification, anyway?", and I just decided to stop the conversation right there. Still, I managed to work in the "...I could've snorted $100,000 worth of cocaine" thing instead, and he thought that that was kind of funny.

I married a Libertarian, by the way. I'm a Democratic Socialist. We don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things because we're on opposite sides of the spectrum.

[sabotabby]

Mention that one of the local landlords attempted vehicular manslaughter on a tenant, which I think is against the NAP, even for a libertarian?

Kudos to you, though. I've never been able to cope with ideological differences in a relationship.

[franklanguage]

fidget writes:
I tried to read through this piece of shit article yesterday, and I only made it 1/4 of the way through -- or, so I'm assuming.

Thank you for preventing me from wasting my time with this piece-of-shit article.

[fidget]

No problem, my friend. Consider "piece of shit article prevention" a service I provide to the public. Free of charge, because I radiate goodness wherever I go.

[conuly]

"My mum emigrated to the UK in 1939 from Germany. Yes, that’s right, she was a Jew, or at least somewhat Jewish."

Does he think this is some sort of problem?

[sabotabby]

He wants to assure us that he is a Certified Ethnic Minority.

[conuly]

I guess...? But one that's largely more-or-less assimilated, or at least can choose to be? (Which is the best response he can get to that. All the creepy anti-semites reading this piece are going to have a very different response.)

[sabotabby]

Ah, but "almost Jewish" people get to accuse their detractors of anti-Semitism!

[conuly]

Ah yes. I really wish they wouldn't - they only give cover to vicious anti-semites who go "Oh, but I have nothing against Jews, just Israel" or "...just their culture". Yeah, shut up, you don't draw swastikas on preschools in Europe because you're so warm and cuddly.

[sabotabby]

Goyish appropriation of Jewish culture triggers my rage button. I refuse to be anyone's model minority.

Also, total white privilege in North America. This guy is just being a doof.

[conuly]

Also, total white privilege in North America. This guy is just being a doof.

Definitely.