Merry Christmas From the Depths of the Uncanny Valley

[sabotabby]

I fully admit that my tiny, twisted Jew-brain does not understand Christmas decorations. I only vaguely understand Halloween decorations, but I approve of them on the logic that they guide tiny trick-or-treaters to the houses most likely to have candy. But it's not like people with Christmas lights hand out candy if you knock on their door, so I am uncertain of the point of them. Teenage!Goth!Sabotabby thought that Christmas lights were a cool thing to hang on your room or in your club, but really, my people don't really decorate the front of their houses unless it's with the blood of a lamb or something.

I do like how everything goes twinkly this time of year, though. Sometimes it's very pretty. Sometimes, it's hilariously awful. And sometimes, it's downright upsetting. It's the last possibility that we'll be examining in this post. zingerella and I have canvassed our neighbourhood in search of the most disturbing Christmas decorations we could find, and now I will share them with you! Feel free to leave your own in the comments.




Okay, I don't get it. You care enough about Christmas to do lights, but not enough to do your lights yourself. This isn't as deeply creepy as the others, I just find it really weird.

Then again, I suppose it's better to hire a pro than to do something that ends up being outright horrifying, like the following examples.

#5: Speaking of Goth...


Um. Did you mean for the inside of your house to look like someone is summoning Cthulhu in there? If so, that's cool. Otherwise, WTF? We saw more than one house like this, by the way.

#4: Sad Snowman


Snowmen scare me to begin with. Unless they're in optimal condition, they are reminders that all things die, and that death is frequently prolonged and disfiguring. I get why people make snowmen, because the process of it is pretty fun, but what I really don't understand is inflatable snowmen. As soon as they start to deflate, even a little, you are staring into the abyss of your own mortality.

#3: Memento Mori


On second thought, I have nothing bad to say about this one. Nothing at all.

#2: Nativity of the Damned



Nativity scenes can be nice, but did you really have to make one out of scary Victorian dolls? Their cold, lifeless eyes seem to be watching me every time I walk down that street. I am afraid to see what's in the creche. It wants to devour your soul.

Here, have a closer look:



#1: Gyrating cyber-Santa



CYBER-SANTA'S PROGRAMMING FORBIDS IT FROM HARMING A FLESH-CREATURE. CYBER-SANTA'S PROGRAMMING DOES NOT CONSIDER IT HARM IF ITS PELVIS MAKES CONTACT WITH ANY PART OF A FLESH-CREATURE'S BODY.

Because you cannot appreciate the true horror of gyrating cyber-Santa in a still picture, I have uploaded a video. You're welcome.

Watch on YouTube

[If you can't watch video for whatever reason, you just dodged a bullet.]

Okay, I need a kitty chaser.


'Sup?

If you celebrate it, have a good one!

Comments

[pofflewomp.livejournal.com]

ha ha ha.
I see what you mean about snowmen, although when you make a real one it's point is, I suppose, to rejoice in the transient snow, so it shouldn't be so bad. Although I have on a number of occasions burst into tears when my snowman has melted, in recent years, so I can't talk.
I feel the same about horrible zombie and skeleton stuff. Mortality terrifies me.

Gyrating santa ha ha.

I have a mini kitsch nativity set and I hoovered up the baby Jesus by mistake, so now they are all staring at an empty cot, aghast.

I assumed the lights with the advert belonged to a hopefully home business start-up doing Christmas lights.

We don't get many American-style Christmas displays outside homes in London, thank goodness. We get nice twinkly lights on trees in the streets, though. And in Sheffield (up North) they had the town centre lit up saying, "Happy Eid, Happy Christmas, Happy Hankkah" or something, which reminded me of your school's happy-holidays letter. My (Muslim) doctor said, "happy holiday" to me, which was nice.

I have been avoiding writing about Christmas on LJ so as not to distress you. So far mine involves lots of chocolate, and trying to get Ian out of bed to go on doggie walk to the druid mound.

[sabotabby]

Oh, I'm not distressed by people writing about Christmas. Just people forcing their celebrations on me or co-opting my celebrations.

I am actually fine with skeletons and zombies, but snowmen and balloons are a real problem for me.

[pofflewomp.livejournal.com]

That's funny - as I have the horror of death/mortality but with skeletons and zombies. Snowmen don't bother me unless they are mine, in which case I am very upset when they melt. I once made a snow baby alien and cried for days when it melted/died a slow and agonising death. Its demise symbolised all the loss and bereavement and dashed hopes in my life. I was a complete wreck drunk on mulled wine and sobbing in the snow.