When my mum was diagnosed with cancer and given six months to live, I had all sorts of people telling me not to worry, they knew someone who had had cancer and had beaten it, yadda yadda yadda. "But the problem is," I wanted to (and sometimes did) say, "Is that it's already spread. She's been told chemo would only maybe extend her life another six months if she was lucky, and that it would be agony, so she's refusing treatment. So you tell me how someone with Stage Four or Five cancer that has metastasized and who is only receiving palliative care and who has been given six months to live at the outside is suddenly going to get better? She exercises regularly. She eats organic. She doesn't smoke, she's looked after herself and she is about to die anyways. I'm thrilled your uncle got chemo when he was diagnosed and is still alive, but my mum is DYING and nothing can fix that."
Mostly they would respond with the importance of being optimistic, you know, that whole "Where there's life there's hope," and completely ignored the part about how her being dead in six months was the optimistic outlook. Overly optimistic, as it ended up; she only lasted five weeks after that.
People seem to forget these days that, yeah, WE ALL DIE. They seem to think that things like eating well and getting exercise aren't simply helping you to be more healthy than you otherwise would be, but will actually make you immortal. That if you die, especially if you aren't in your nineties, that it's because you did something wrong, and not that it's simply that people die. We die, and even people who do everything "right" still die.
I know they're trying to help, but honestly? I kind of think they're more trying to reassure themselves that the same thing won't happen to them because they know the "secret", rather than trying to make me feel better. And honestly, I don't want them to try and make me feel better (not that it isn't a moot issue these days anyways, what with Mum already being dead and all). I just wanted some sympathy because my mother was dying, and nothing, not even yoga and wheatgrass, could save her.
Yes, 100% this. At the beginning, when my step-dad was given 6 months to a year, I leapt all over that stuff, as did he. And then as the cancer grew worse and the advice more ludicrous, it somehow shifted from well-meaning to horrible.
Also I am reminded of a quote from one of the Lemony Snickett books: "If someone you love has died, then you know. If they haven't, then you can't possibly understand."
Yep. Spot on. (except my black thing involved a huge swarm of ants attacking my imaginary hedgehog friend). One particularly weird moment for me was when I was reading about oopherectomy and came across the line 'also know as female castration ' and I was like..whoa..wait a minute..it is...holy shit. I've been 'fixed' :/
I guess I can be somewhat relieved that the sort of people who were sending me ayurvedic vegan cancer-shaming crap have now turned their attention on Angelina Jolie....
I think my black thing was a black dog, but mainly because someone described depression to me in those terms years before I ever really experienced it.
I am trying not to read things about Angelina Jolie because I read something and it suggested energy healing and I died a little inside.
People never want to be reminded of the fragile nature of life. They want to believe they have control over everything and if not them then government or doctors. They blame people for their illness because it's easier and "isolates" the illness to something they can control and manage.
They give bad advice not because they want to blame but because they need to blame to control the situation and deal with their terror even of it makes you the fault.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2013-05-19 01:25 pm (UTC)And I totally know how he feels about the half-neutered thing ;-)
no subject
Date: 2013-05-19 09:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-05-19 10:19 pm (UTC)When my mum was diagnosed with cancer and given six months to live, I had all sorts of people telling me not to worry, they knew someone who had had cancer and had beaten it, yadda yadda yadda. "But the problem is," I wanted to (and sometimes did) say, "Is that it's already spread. She's been told chemo would only maybe extend her life another six months if she was lucky, and that it would be agony, so she's refusing treatment. So you tell me how someone with Stage Four or Five cancer that has metastasized and who is only receiving palliative care and who has been given six months to live at the outside is suddenly going to get better? She exercises regularly. She eats organic. She doesn't smoke, she's looked after herself and she is about to die anyways. I'm thrilled your uncle got chemo when he was diagnosed and is still alive, but my mum is DYING and nothing can fix that."
Mostly they would respond with the importance of being optimistic, you know, that whole "Where there's life there's hope," and completely ignored the part about how her being dead in six months was the optimistic outlook. Overly optimistic, as it ended up; she only lasted five weeks after that.
People seem to forget these days that, yeah, WE ALL DIE. They seem to think that things like eating well and getting exercise aren't simply helping you to be more healthy than you otherwise would be, but will actually make you immortal. That if you die, especially if you aren't in your nineties, that it's because you did something wrong, and not that it's simply that people die. We die, and even people who do everything "right" still die.
I know they're trying to help, but honestly? I kind of think they're more trying to reassure themselves that the same thing won't happen to them because they know the "secret", rather than trying to make me feel better. And honestly, I don't want them to try and make me feel better (not that it isn't a moot issue these days anyways, what with Mum already being dead and all). I just wanted some sympathy because my mother was dying, and nothing, not even yoga and wheatgrass, could save her.
TL;DR: I think I do understand, a bit.
no subject
Date: 2013-05-20 06:45 pm (UTC)I'm really sorry about your mom.
no subject
Date: 2013-05-21 10:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-05-19 10:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-05-20 06:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-05-20 02:18 pm (UTC)One particularly weird moment for me was when I was reading about oopherectomy and came across the line 'also know as female castration ' and I was like..whoa..wait a minute..it is...holy shit.
I've been 'fixed' :/
I guess I can be somewhat relieved that the sort of people who were sending me ayurvedic vegan cancer-shaming crap have now turned their attention on Angelina Jolie....
no subject
Date: 2013-05-20 06:42 pm (UTC)I am trying not to read things about Angelina Jolie because I read something and it suggested energy healing and I died a little inside.
no subject
Date: 2013-05-21 07:37 am (UTC)They give bad advice not because they want to blame but because they need to blame to control the situation and deal with their terror even of it makes you the fault.
no subject
Date: 2013-05-21 12:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-05-21 07:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-05-21 12:42 pm (UTC)