Sabs watches a blue movie

[sabotabby]

So guys, guys, I actually watched Fifty Shades of Grey because a co-worker dared me to.

It actually managed to be even worse than I was expecting, which was amazing because I expected it to be the worst thing ever. It's worse than that. It's like genital herpes in film form. It was like Ayn Rand wrote a porn only with less tenderness. I'd do a screenshot review, because I actually had some funny inner commentary while watching it, but I immediately deleted the file off my computer because I was afraid poor Mac the Knife would catch a virus from it. But I'm on vacation now so if you really want me to, I will.

The irony is that after I watched two hours (two hours!) of a Hollywood-frumpy zombie with an eating disorder bang a guy whose face looks like it's made out of semi-baked cookie dough while they both talked like robots, I forgot to tell my co-worker that I watched it. So it was all for nothing. Well, not really, because I can just tell her when we get back from break, but I'll have forgotten by then.

Comments

[the_axel]

This proves that you will do anything for a bet.
While I would love to see an installment of "I tortured myself so you don't have to" I think you should only do this when you have had sufficient sleep and satiated your need to binge watch Netflix (if you can even do that before the end of the holidays...)

Does your coworker have an e-mail address you could use to inform her of your masochism?

[sabotabby]

I will actually do anything for a bet or a dare. See also my eagerness to stick ghost peppers in my mouth.

I think I'm going to sleep and do something semi-useful or fun tomorrow. This may end up being that, as I think it would be kinda hilarious—even the snark reviews don't give the full picture of how terrible this movie is—but it might be something totally different. Who knows! We'll see when I'm well rested.

I can email or text my co-worker but to convey the extent of my suffering, facial expressions are necessary.

See also my eagerness to stick ghost peppers in my mout

[franklanguage.livejournal.com]

But can you play a tango while chomping on ghost peppers?

Re: See also my eagerness to stick ghost peppers in my mout

[sabotabby]

I can't play a tango while not chomping on ghost peppers.

[princealberic.livejournal.com]

I really really want you to! Well, if you want to ofc, I'm not Christian Gray so I think you should do it only if it's not too icky for you to go back to it.

But I'd really love to read your funny commentary, because I'm too afraid to watch this movie and nobody has dared me to so I have no real reason to lose over an hour of my precious youth on this.

P.S.: Did they include the tampon scene

[sabotabby]

The more I think about it, the more I start giggling (as opposed to last night, when I was enraged that this got made into a movie and the cast of anarchist detectives and sentient cities and wereraccoons and wizard architects that live in my head will never get greenlit by any studio ever, and also why weren't there more seasons of Deadwood), and everyone should know, in the most graphic detail possible, just how terrible this movie is.

THEY DID NOT INCLUDE THE TAMPON SCENE. I was so disappoint, except not really, because my first question to my co-worker was "DID THEY INCLUDE THE TAMPON SCENE" and she told me that no they did not. The movie would have been 1000% better with the tampon scene. Actually there's surprisingly little sex. I think there are more paperwork scenes than there are sex scenes. There are really quite a lot of paperwork scenes.

[marrythebed.livejournal.com]

Okay, I have to know. What the hell is the tampon scene?!

[sabotabby]

His breathing is ragged, matching mine.

“When did you start your period, Anastasia?” he asks out of the blue, gazing down at me.

“Err… yesterday,” I mumble in my highly aroused state.

“Good.” He releases me and turns me around.

“Hold on to the sink,” he orders and pulls my hips back again, like he did in the playroom, so I’m bending down.
He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez. And then he’s inside me… ah! Skin against skin… moving slowly at first… easily, testing me, pushing me… oh my. I grip on to the sink, panting, forcing myself back on him, feeling him inside me. Oh the sweet agony… his hands clasp my hips. He sets a punishing rhythm - in, out, and he reaches around and finds my clitoris, massaging me… oh jeez. I can feel myself quicken.

“That’s right, baby,” he rasps as he grinds into me, angling his hips, and it’s enough to send me flying, flying high.
Whoa… and I come, loudly, gripping for dear life onto the sink as I spiral down through my orgasm, everything spinning and clenching at once. He follows, clasping me tightly, his front on my back as he climaxes and calls my name like it’s a litany or a prayer.

[karinmollberg.livejournal.com]

Good God, this is boring. The Wrong Way. I'm almost in tears. For all the wrong reasons. I might start to laugh, later, though....so er: thanks for sharing. I now need, not another wanker who wrote about it, but, you know: YOUR COMMENTARY. Can you feel the pressure? It appears to be a Group Thing as I'm not the only one demanding this service of ya. In exchange: have a few wafers http://vintage-ads.livejournal.com/6484519.html

[sabotabby]

Don't worry, it's happening. I've started. It's so bad though.

[marrythebed.livejournal.com]

I write LOL a lot. At least a dozen times a day. I do not actually, however, laugh out loud.

This made me laugh so loudly I was afraid of waking up multiple family members. Specifically, the tampon-tossing part. Holy shit. Is this where the plumber comes in? I mean. What.

And I can feel myself quicken?!?!

Lastly, I like that she quibbles about whether it's a litany OR a prayer. Just in case. She doesn't want to be inaccurate or anything. So much hotter that way.

But mostly, the tampon. JFC.

[sabotabby]

It's so ridiculous. And I actually dig the idea that a porn would consider periods but did she need to put in so many ellipses?

(See what I did there?)

[princealberic.livejournal.com]

I was going to cheer you up with the promise that if I ever become a millionaire, I will absolutely fund movies featuring anarchist detectives and so on, but please be somewhat enraged and use this rage to fuel a recap because I certainly want to know in the most graphic detail possible just how terrible this movie is.

WTF! That's really sad to hear, because I would probably watch this movie just to make a face of disgust and then giggle uncontrollably over the tampon scene. And wait, more paperwork than sex? Isn't sex kind of the whole point of the book?

[sabotabby]

I hope you become a millionaire. The anarchist detective story is really good!

Yeah I was hoping there'd at least be a reference to tampons, but no luck. There is a fisting reference but it's disappointing too.

I think paperwork is the point of the book, in the way that Left Behind cares more about transportation than Jesus.

[princealberic.livejournal.com]

I believe you!

I read that as "a fisting scene" and was surprised but then I read it was just a reference and was less surprised.

Maybe that explains why it's mentioned that she can't write e-mails? Anyway, I'd never thought about it. I wonder if there's a recap of the books that focuses on paperwork.

[sabotabby]

She can totally write emails in the movie. That's one thing they fixed. They fixed it in a stupid way, but at least they fixed it.

I think I'll focus a lot on the paperwork.

[jvmatucha.livejournal.com]

I believe you're the only person I know who's actually seen the movie. I was in a few online groups that were just agog at how gut-wrnechingly terrible the books were. People would read random sentences out of the material and we would all group laugh/gag/eye-roll over the passages. I can't imagine what the movie would be like.

[sabotabby]

Okay, this is convincing me that I have to do it because everyone has to know.

I think the book might be worse than the movie. I've read excerpts. There is nothing about inner goddesses in the movie and there are some nice shots of Seattle and the movie, while endless, is not three novels of endless.

[karinmollberg.livejournal.com]

I saw the DVD on 'soldes' at Lidl a while ago. There were lots of them available. The demand seems to have been slow.

[ironed_orchid]

If you haven't already, you now need to watch The Fall and compare Jamie Dornan's portrayal of Christian Grey to his portrayal of a broody attractive serial killer. To make this fun for you, you get to see Gillian Anderson being incandescent with fury at the incompetence of the men with whom she works.

[sabotabby]

I really need to see The Fall. You had me at Gillian Anderson.

[ironed_orchid]

Season 3 comes out in a few months, so you could wait until it's finished. Or you could watch seasons 1 an 2 in less than a week during your winter break.

[sabotabby]

I could! Though the way things are going, my calendar is going to be too booked to bingewatch telly.

[marrythebed.livejournal.com]

She's AMAZING in it, even though I don't know what I think about the actual series. Interested to get a review from you if you get around to watching.

[sabotabby]

It's been on my list for awhile. Of course, my list is very long.

[mle292.livejournal.com]

It was like Ayn Rand wrote a porn only with less tenderness.

This got lots of lols around here. I'm going to not watch it twice as much as I was planning before.

[sabotabby]

It's so bad. You shouldn't watch it. There is no reason to watch it unless you're actually a masochist or do reviews of bad movies on your blog.

[karinmollberg.livejournal.com]

two hours (two hours!) of a Hollywood-frumpy zombie with an eating disorder bang a guy whose face looks like it's made out of semi-baked cookie dough while they both talked like robots

Thank you for having confirmed my Wurst (sausage in Mordor Speak = German 'humour' for ya;) suspicions. Not that I had any intention of ever watching this. I might as well ask M. Cro Magnon to telecharger (=register by way of IT Magick; involving Mussolini the telecommander; meaning remote control &TV) 9 & 1/2 Weeks which I distinctly remember walking out of at the Stockholm premiere (= giant cinema full of VIPs like Us) with my best friend K. after not more than ten minutes; having exchanged one quick glance but not one word. We had intended to have fun yet failed, there; so went to a bar. Hope it turns someone on. Donald, maybe?

[sabotabby]

I don't know who it turns on. People who have literally never heard of sex before? That's the only thing I can think of.

[nihilistic-kid.livejournal.com]

I saw it too, the unrated version.

My grandfather used to swat my grandmother's ass harder when she bustled around the kitchen.

[sabotabby]

I think I watched the unrated version. It is not very kinky, unless you have a kink for paperwork.

[(Anonymous)]

nice. write critique for a good movie some time though.

[sabotabby]

I have in the past, but it's generally not as much fun as critiques of bad ones. I might do Ninotchka if people are interested though.