Jesus loves me but he can't stand you

[sabotabby]

The link of the day is Rapture Ready. And yes, it's another one of those Premillennial Dispensationalist sites of which I'm so fond. We all have guilty pleasures, okay?

I've barely begun to explore the wealth of hilarity available on this site. Here are just some of the great things I've found.

Hal Lindsey cartoons!
Why Jesus would vote Republican!
Oops! I missed the Rapture!
Left Behind for Dummies!

Of course, cult members can't just drink the Kool Aid and greet the UFOs without leaving letters to their loved ones, explaining that they're not really dead.



Some highlights:

"Newfire" tells her hellbound husband to Read Left Behind, and when he's done with that, check out this book called the Bible.

One fellow is concerned that his pets might not make it to Heaven:

You might want to try and leave the city. You know where I live. Head for Show Low. SammyCat and Tracker will need someone to take care of and love them. Please get up here fast. The cat and dog food is in the kitchen, in the floor cupboards next to the sink.

...and then he just gets weird:

Okay, I bet CNN and the rest of the talking-heads have come up with something like this: 'NASA has confirmed that a very large UFO(or perhaps a fleet of them)has been orbiting our planet, cloaked by highly-advanced Stealth technology.

NASA has managed to contact the alien starships and have been advised by the aliens that they have come to guide us through our next evolutionary stage--a spiritual one. To prevent these divisive, contentious Christians who insist that Jesus is the only way from disrupting the harmonic flow of these good vibrations, they have all been beamed up(remember Star Trek?)to the ship(s)and will be taken to Starbase Deep Space Nine and a half via the good Starship Lollipop.

"Heather" adds:

PS - Look out for the guy who wants to bring peace!

Oh no! Anything but peace!

You might be wondering who exactly "the guy who wants to bring peace" is. Fortunately, Rapture Ready has a shortlist of Antichrist candidates for your perusal. They include Bill Gates, George Bush (I guess Jesus wouldn't vote Republican, then!), and Kofi Annan. Tony Blair's also on the list, but he's apparently a "light weight contender."

One of the best pages tells you what kind of mansion you can expect to receive once you're in Heaven. Did you know, for example, that class differences exist even in the afterlife? "Struggling Believers" get to live in a wee little place like this -- and remember, "It's far better to live as a pauper in heaven, than to face the alternative." (Milton called. He wants his religion back.)


There are even outhouses in Heaven! "One of the saddest groups of people in heaven will be those who never did anything beyond going to church every Sunday." Ummm...isn't Heaven supposed to be a happy place?

By far the greatest thing about this site, though, is the fact that it's written with the sense that its webmaster will shortly cease to exist in this earthly dimension. He's handily provided a guide for the future, including his impressions about what various famous people will say, now that he's been proven right and everyone else is Wrong! Dead Wrong! ("And that'll serve you right for giving me a wedgie in grade school!")

Charles Darwin says: "Well, I made a monkey out of myself. What I thought was a common thread in the evolution of species was actually the artistic theme of a divine creator.” Ruh-roh!

Jesse James says: "Crime does not pay because not even the most crafty and elusive criminal can hide from the Eternal Judge.”

Sigmund Freud claims: "If you have a mind of Christ, you won't need psychiatric therapy.” Oh, I don't know about that, Sigmund!

Seriously, though: Never mind that passage about how much God loved the world. These Leviticans hate life so much that they just don't want to end their own, they want to end everyone's and blow the planet up while they're at it. (They even have a lovely mushroom cloud theme going on.) The only difference between this guy and this guy is a willingness to put words into action.

Comments

[earthlingmike.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's a doozy!

[sabotabby]

It's the second-best Rapture site I've ever seen. The best had really cheesy rotating gifs and Photoshop manips with the same three pictures in every one.

[pretzelsalt.livejournal.com]

[sabotabby]

That just doesn't get less funny.

[askwhy.livejournal.com]

Hey, do you have a link for that stuff? I must have missed it the first time around.

[frippy.livejournal.com]

Awesome, I want the gothic playhouse in Heaven.

[sabotabby]

The pew-warmer one is still nicer than my place. Location is important, though. I wonder which cloud it's on.

[mcsokrates.livejournal.com]

So, I enjoy crackpot comics as much as the next guy, but lumping all of central asia together as "other stans" in this comic is just lazy. and hilarious.

[sabotabby]

Especially since the PLO and Hamas get to be their own crocodiles!

[mcsokrates.livejournal.com]

Also, i like that there's a crocodle with no name that still gets money.

[sabotabby]

That's me, actually.

[bike4fish.livejournal.com]

Does that include Canuckistan?

[earthlingmike.livejournal.com]

Shhhhh!

[earthlingmike.livejournal.com]

That's a very interesting comic.

[morgoid.livejournal.com]

I bet these are the same people who get all scoffy when someone mentions the "17 virgins in Heaven for Jihad(sp?) Martyrs" thing, or that our dead ancestors are reincarnated as cows--or is it rats? I can never remember.

I just don't get it. It's so completely random! I don't get how these people can't make the leap of Faith to consider Darwin's theories, but they can believe that horse creatures are gonna kill a jillion people!

David Cross has a huge rant in "Shut Up You Fucking Baby" about this article in an Atlanta newspaper about what Heaven is like, and how Angels drive you around and shit. It's beautiful. And full of swears.

In a nutshell: this site is so stupid--including the shitty artowrk on the political cartoons--that I couldn't even stay pissed.

[sabotabby]

I'd laugh, but this is the sort of thing that has tremendous influence over American politics (and publishing -- a panel I attended the other night featured a Harlequin editor who alluded to rapidly changing standards for romance novels). It's as though Aum Shinrikyo suddenly gained political power. It scares me.

Love your icon, by the way.

[earthlingmike.livejournal.com]

Please also note that there is nothing Biblical about this. In fact, the Bible says Jesus will return when we least expect it. People refuse to stop trying to predict it though, human nature I think.

[seanmonster.livejournal.com]

I sure didn't expect Jesus to show up at my house at 3am, rooting through my garbage can. But when I turned on my porch light, he turned Himself into a possum (or should that be Possum) and ran off. Behold the power of the Lord!

[sabotabby]

Ahahaha.

[earthlingmike.livejournal.com]

The Lord moves in mysterious ways. And yes, He is capable of shape-shifting if it suits him.

Re: Hal Lindsey

[jordansc.livejournal.com]

You'd think that the guy who wrote "1980s: Countdown to Armageddon" would be somewhere far far away counting his cash by now.

Re: Hal Lindsey

[sabotabby]

I'd be embarrassed if I were him, since, well, the world didn't end.

[human-loser.livejournal.com]

Because it's very doubtful this web site will be around for any great length of time

Um... is the website so righteous that God is gonna take IT too?

I think this dude thinks he gets to take his computer with him or something....

[sabotabby]

Obviously, as Heaven is much like Earth, what, with the old-fashioned outhouses and everything.

OMG God is going to rapture teh intarwebs!

[mcsokrates.livejournal.com]

the intarwebs don't exist in heaven.

[earthlingmike.livejournal.com]

What about Hell?

[frandroid.livejournal.com]

Hell is paved with well-intentioned websites.

[frandroid.livejournal.com]

Oh man! I've been readind the Rapture index for YEARS! That thing is so amazing. Actually I think this is a new site, before it was a site for the Index all on its own.

It's pretty much been above 145 since Bush has been in office, aka "fasten your seat belts"

[sabotabby]

The Rapture better not happen before April. I'd be pissed if my trip to Russia was cancelled on account of supernatural intervention.

[bike4fish.livejournal.com]

"The Rapture? You missed it. Happened several years ago, just when the JW's said it would. Of course, not many of the people who have been worrying about it were among those taken. Apparently, the self-righteous and the rich didn't find much favour from above. And the 144,000 people who don't expect the world to notice them were barely missed, beyond their own families."

[roter-terror.livejournal.com]

That's excellent.

[sabotabby]

I read a great short story to that effect. It had a beleaguered humanity fighting both God's and Satan's forces during the tribulation. The most vicious fighters were the JWs, who were bitter about not being one of the 144,000.

On a related note, that figure actually isn't accurate. I asked a JW the other day because it was driving me nuts. Apparently a shitload of people get raptured, and the 144,000 are just the heavenly elite. Go figure.

[morgoid.livejournal.com]

Apparently a shitload of people get raptured, and the 144,000 are just the heavenly elite.

Cuz an all-loving god is all about eliteism--I mean, according to the elite anyway.

[sabotabby]

What's the point of accumulating wealth and prestige in this life if you're just going to equal to the unwashed masses in the next?

Oh, wait.

[dantecubit.livejournal.com]

Hilariouscary.

[sabotabby]

I lean more towards scary.