Childhood misconceptions, the first in a series

[sabotabby]

When I was seven, they made me take a test. They wouldn't tell me what the test was for, only that it didn't count for grades and that there was no way I could study for it. It consisted primarily of puzzles. I was pretty convinced that I bombed it, as I've never been that good at puzzles.

Anyway, what it meant was that I was "gifted." I'm not talking about this to brag or anything—anyone who's gone through the experience of being labelled as such knows that it's nothing to brag about ("More of a curse," we used to say.), and further, that it's not any sort of precursor to success later in life. I bring it up because I'm studying Special Education now, and one of the things that happens when you study syndromes and disorders and exceptionalities is that you're convinced that you suffer from each and every one.

So anyway, I was gifted. And apparently very much so—top of my class, got A+s all the way through, blah blah blah. But here's the theory I developed. I was convinced—utterly convinced—that rather than being near the distal end of the bell curve, I was closer to the proximal end. I was pretty sure that I was, if not severely developmentally delayed, at least mildly intellectually disabled. My theory went that either my mother, who had a great deal invested in the idea of having a really smart kid, or, more likely, some egghead scientist, had decided to place me in gifted classes and constantly tell me that I was smart to test whether or not this would actually improve my intelligence.

Some of this stemmed from witnessing something similar (a child in my Montessori class with some manner of intellectual disability was, upon entering the public school system, placed into a regular class where he functioned quite well on account of having been encouraged in his early years). Some of it stemmed from my conviction that I'd failed the puzzle test in third grade. But most of it was because I have just always felt vaguely out-of-step with the world around me.

I was just thinking of this as I diagnosed myself tonight with ODD (oh, like you're surprised), auditory processing impairment, and poor math fluency. I should probably get my head out of that textbook, y/y?

Comments

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

I would say yes.

[sabotabby]

But it's a bit fun/

[thebigbadbutch.livejournal.com]

Yes.

I took a bunch of those "gifted" placement tests when I was a kid. It was pretty horrible for my self esteem because I always score two points away from being gifted. Everytime I got the results my dad would chew me out for being that two points off. As an adult though I think was a conspiracy because even if I took the same test 50 times as an adult there is no way I would always be two points away. It really just does not seem possible.

[seaya.livejournal.com]

Now they don't do those kinds of tests anymore, at least not in Maryland. They have the teacher and the parents rate the kid on several ways of thinking with examples of why they are good at them. (e.g. Global, Analytical, etc., etc.)

So yay, improvement.

[sabotabby]

That actually does sound like a conspiracy. No one scores the same way twice.

(They didn't tell me what I scored, incidentally. My mother claims to have forgotten or never known what my IQ is. I'm sort of glad, as I don't put any stock in IQ tests.)

[gynocide.livejournal.com]

Good entry.

I flunked the "gifted puzzle test" when I was a kid because I had high scores on the state's annual public school standardized test bullshit. They told my mom that I was "very unique and creative with extraordinary language/reading skills" but they wanted kids who were "talented in science and math" and that she needed to work with me on that so I could live up to my "gifted" potential.

They also informed her that I have a low IQ. I still score low on IQ tests due to my problems with math.

It seems like she told them to stick it up their ass, and then told me I was still a good person and she loved me even if they were idiots.

[sabotabby]

Hah. Your mom is cool.

The one I took separated language and math, so while I scored low on the math, I was high enough in language and the fucking puzzles to compensate. Alas, it was a self-contained class, so I had to take gifted math, which was brutal, along with gifted English, which was a joke.

[culpster.livejournal.com]

My first line in the movie I showed in Chicago is:

"When I was a kid, I thought I was retarded and my parents were hiding it from me. To make me feel better."

Common ground! I aced a similar test and was similarly terrorized for the privilege. No A+ for me, because I felt school was beneath me...

[sabotabby]

Which movie is that? I wanna see it!

[mistersmearcase.livejournal.com]

Yeah DSM class (DSM, if this isn't common knowledge, which i'm not sure, is the big book of diagnosing mental illness) was fun that way.

[sabotabby]

Oh, DSM, the manual that said I have borderline personality disorder! Yeah, that is fun to play with.

[jamie-miller.livejournal.com]

OUT OF STEP! WITH THE WORRRRRRLD!!



in other news, your Libertarian Bingo card was posted elsewhere:

http://forums.louisvillehardcore.com/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=8116

[sabotabby]

Up the Louisville punx!

[seaya.livejournal.com]

They tested me in kindergarten, but I don't remember the test. I passed it, but I don't remember passing it.

Though I didn't know what a "jaw" was on the regular kindergarten readiness test. I knew it as a mandible. Well, given my parents' line of work...

[sabotabby]

Though I didn't know what a "jaw" was on the regular kindergarten readiness test. I knew it as a mandible. Well, given my parents' line of work...

Hahaha.

[seilduksgata.livejournal.com]

Ah, I had to take one of those tests once. I was 13 and desperately wanted to be moved up a year at school because I was being bullied in the year I was in and had already tried everything else. My parents weren't happy about me moving schools for some weird reason but the school wasn't keen on moving me up because it was supposed to be one of those progressive, egalitarian institutions that had moved away from the 'English public school' way of doing things. In the end they agreed to get the county psychologist on the case and she came in and 'tested' me. Well, she was duly impressed and I did move up, but I remember thinking all through the test that it was pretty meaningless and wondering how it could be considered 'scientific'.

[sabotabby]

It isn't very scientific. Incidentally, there exists a big book where scientists rate all the tests and see how reliable they are. Most of them are not very reliable.

[thenetwork.livejournal.com]

As a 180+ IQ kid who grew up in an institution for "crippled and retarded children", as the charming phrase went back then, I can tell you your theory is mostly true. Then again, it depends on your KIND of intelligence. Also, you should read Orson Scott Card's 'Ender's Game', if you haven't already. :)

[sabotabby]

Really? And yep, I've read it. Too bad that Orson Scott Card is nuts now.

[shelestel.livejournal.com]

In Israel the term "special ed" did not contain gifted. I find that the way the term is used in Canada to contain "both ends" is very appropriate.
Both the so-called "lower" and "higher" ends use and learn language (in the widest sense of the word, that is in the sense that encompasses nearly everything) noticeably differently than the people in the "middle". The scale low-medium-high is not always a good model for this sort of thing, since what constitutes "success" is sometimes defined by the ability of a person to function effectively within a system designed for averages. And even when it isn't, social success often depends on this. I feel more comfortable around some "mentally ill" people than I feel around "normal" people. I didn't encounter such a statement from him, but I suspect that Foucault had the same feeling.

[sabotabby]

It's not just intellectual either—it also encompasses physical disabilities, learning disabilities, speech and language, etc. Which I think does a lot to reduce the stigma and look at exceptionalities more holistically.

[lokilokust.livejournal.com]

i was in the gifted program at my school for a bit.
actually, i was dropped out of special ed, and since i then got no help at all with my learning disabilities... i failed out of the gifted program and only barely graduated (a year late.)
ah, bitterness... what cold comfort it brings!

[sabotabby]

Yeah, that's nuts. I can't imagine that anyone with learning disabilities in my gifted class (and there probably was at least one person, statistically speaking) would have gotten any support whatsoever. They had a sink-or-swim mentality. I think things now are changing, or I've just been in two schools with very good Spec. Ed. departments.

[springheel-jack.livejournal.com]

IQ is nonsense.

[sabotabby]

Of course it is. I just came to that conclusion in an odd way.

[homewardangel.livejournal.com]

I still think there is something odd and out of step with the way I learn. And even now, as an educator I can't quite pin down what it is or why it is so light/dark.

[sabotabby]

Oh, yes. I still get disproportionately panicky over things, for example. And particularly in teachers' college, I keep making things more complicated in my brain than they actually are. The tangential sort of thing that queerasmoi describes is pretty accurate.

Light/dark?

[queerasmoi.livejournal.com]

Regarding giftedness... I think it's way more about a learning strategy than any particular aptitude towards a subject. I once TAed a class full of very intelligent grade 12 physics students, and due to an administrative mishap, the "advanced" and "gifted" groups were fused into one huge course section.

I could very easily see how the "gifted" group would listen to the teacher, get distracted, want to go off on a tangent, talk about everything else under the sun, and then return back to the topic at hand with a good understanding. Meanwhile the "advanced" non-gifted group tended to favour learning at a steady pace asking incremental questions, and felt overwhelmed if the teacher answered too many "tangent" questions. Both groups had high- and low-achieving students.

The out-of-stepness, to me, was a cornerstone of the gifted category.

[sabotabby]

That makes sense. Of course, we were always just told that we were "smart" and "the leaders of the future" and had "so much potential."

[auralarua.livejournal.com]

I was never tested for the gifted program in grade school. I used to chronically daydream in kindergarten but got all A's through out grade school and middle school. Once I reached highschool I spoke to my counselor and asked to be put in advanced lit and "social studies" classes. I was placed in honors classes and eventually AP. I'm thankful I took the initiative to do this as I met my favorite teachers in my advanced classes.

[sabotabby]

I found advanced designations much more useful in high school. By then no one cared that I was a nerd

[rohmie.livejournal.com]

Psst! - Second time: Did I ever send you a blues disc?

[rohmie.livejournal.com]

Okay, if I didn't, I have. And if I did, I did again.

Plus you are getting My May Day Mix.

Happy Birthday.

[eumelia.livejournal.com]

Yes. Read yourself some dystopic fiction!

I was tested for learning disability because I would have a nervous breakdown (and I mean crying, hyperventilating etc.) every time I took an exam in school.

The examiner told my mother I had "exceptionally high IQ" and wanted to test me for "giftedness". I refused. By crying, hyperventilating and by basically being an obnoxious brat :)

Now I'm told I always danced to the beat of a different drummer.

[princealberic.livejournal.com]

I was going to comment but I guess my comment didn't go through? I read this post and then forgot and just noticed I had the tab open, oops.

anyone who's gone through the experience of being labelled as such knows that it's nothing to brag about ("More of a curse," we used to say.)

SO ACCURATE.

Over here we don't have any special gifted classes so I never convinced myself I was developmentally disabled (except maybe when I was an inscure teenager). I was and am convinced, however, that I wasn't that intelligent, I was just very good at bullshiting and pretending that my issues with school were just because of my intelligence. But I'm also pretty sure I've had Imposter's Syndrome, so who knows.

I know what you mean about diagnosing yourself with everything, that's why I refuse to touch Wikipedia pages on any physical or mental illnesses, disabilities, syndromes, and so on. That and everything ever about WebMD.

[sabotabby]

According to WebMD, I have celiac disease after all. I hate WebMD.