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sabotabbyWhen I was seven, they made me take a test. They wouldn't tell me what the test was for, only that it didn't count for grades and that there was no way I could study for it. It consisted primarily of puzzles. I was pretty convinced that I bombed it, as I've never been that good at puzzles.
Anyway, what it meant was that I was "gifted." I'm not talking about this to brag or anything—anyone who's gone through the experience of being labelled as such knows that it's nothing to brag about ("More of a curse," we used to say.), and further, that it's not any sort of precursor to success later in life. I bring it up because I'm studying Special Education now, and one of the things that happens when you study syndromes and disorders and exceptionalities is that you're convinced that you suffer from each and every one.
So anyway, I was gifted. And apparently very much so—top of my class, got A+s all the way through, blah blah blah. But here's the theory I developed. I was convinced—utterly convinced—that rather than being near the distal end of the bell curve, I was closer to the proximal end. I was pretty sure that I was, if not severely developmentally delayed, at least mildly intellectually disabled. My theory went that either my mother, who had a great deal invested in the idea of having a really smart kid, or, more likely, some egghead scientist, had decided to place me in gifted classes and constantly tell me that I was smart to test whether or not this would actually improve my intelligence.
Some of this stemmed from witnessing something similar (a child in my Montessori class with some manner of intellectual disability was, upon entering the public school system, placed into a regular class where he functioned quite well on account of having been encouraged in his early years). Some of it stemmed from my conviction that I'd failed the puzzle test in third grade. But most of it was because I have just always felt vaguely out-of-step with the world around me.
I was just thinking of this as I diagnosed myself tonight with ODD (oh, like you're surprised), auditory processing impairment, and poor math fluency. I should probably get my head out of that textbook, y/y?
Anyway, what it meant was that I was "gifted." I'm not talking about this to brag or anything—anyone who's gone through the experience of being labelled as such knows that it's nothing to brag about ("More of a curse," we used to say.), and further, that it's not any sort of precursor to success later in life. I bring it up because I'm studying Special Education now, and one of the things that happens when you study syndromes and disorders and exceptionalities is that you're convinced that you suffer from each and every one.
So anyway, I was gifted. And apparently very much so—top of my class, got A+s all the way through, blah blah blah. But here's the theory I developed. I was convinced—utterly convinced—that rather than being near the distal end of the bell curve, I was closer to the proximal end. I was pretty sure that I was, if not severely developmentally delayed, at least mildly intellectually disabled. My theory went that either my mother, who had a great deal invested in the idea of having a really smart kid, or, more likely, some egghead scientist, had decided to place me in gifted classes and constantly tell me that I was smart to test whether or not this would actually improve my intelligence.
Some of this stemmed from witnessing something similar (a child in my Montessori class with some manner of intellectual disability was, upon entering the public school system, placed into a regular class where he functioned quite well on account of having been encouraged in his early years). Some of it stemmed from my conviction that I'd failed the puzzle test in third grade. But most of it was because I have just always felt vaguely out-of-step with the world around me.
I was just thinking of this as I diagnosed myself tonight with ODD (oh, like you're surprised), auditory processing impairment, and poor math fluency. I should probably get my head out of that textbook, y/y?
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Date: 2013-12-03 12:55 pm (UTC)anyone who's gone through the experience of being labelled as such knows that it's nothing to brag about ("More of a curse," we used to say.)
SO ACCURATE.
Over here we don't have any special gifted classes so I never convinced myself I was developmentally disabled (except maybe when I was an inscure teenager). I was and am convinced, however, that I wasn't that intelligent, I was just very good at bullshiting and pretending that my issues with school were just because of my intelligence. But I'm also pretty sure I've had Imposter's Syndrome, so who knows.
I know what you mean about diagnosing yourself with everything, that's why I refuse to touch Wikipedia pages on any physical or mental illnesses, disabilities, syndromes, and so on. That and everything ever about WebMD.
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Date: 2013-12-03 10:03 pm (UTC)